I’m doing what’s right for me

Day by day, I wish stronger for your presence. 

The little voice inside me keeps on telling me 

"Just say it, you will feel better"

Every time I speak with you, I want to say that word.

"I love you"

But I'm not allowed. 

Yet, I'm also afraid of letting the Sargent go. 

I know in back of my mind, I wish to be with the Doctor. Knowing that there is no future. 

I feel like I'm walking on the beam between reality and desire. 

I don't want to let go of Sargent because I want to see whether I can have that deep connection with him. And to be as happy as I was when I was with the Doctor.

Everyone keeps asking me 

"Does he makes you happy? Do you feel happy when you are with him?"

And I never know what to answer. I should be happy. Sargent gives me everything that I need. And there is no reason as to why I shouldn't be happy.

But then, I can't help but to keep looking back on those days with the doctor. And how everything he did felt right. 

But I feel lost. Was I happy because he let me be as selfish as I ever wanted to be? Because he never expected anything from me? Did he look at me the way I look at Sargent now? Or did you ever feel the connection with me? 

The Doctor told me once, that when I left his life,  he felt like there was a big hole in his heart that he couldn't fill. And that's how I feel right now. No matter how much time I spend with Sargent, sometime it even makes it worse, I feel more and more lonely, for the fact that I don't have that connection. 

Yet, I feel like I want to carry on. I want to share more time with Sargent. But then the selfish self in back of my mind keeps on wondering how great it would be to travel and see the world with the Doctor. 

Everything I do with Sargent, I'm keep replacing in my mind with the Doctor. Wondering what it would be like if it was him. And I know it's not fair. And I should let it go. But it's been so long since I've been in love with anyone but the Doctor, that I don't know what is right or wrong anymore. 

Me and my mind

It's been a few months since me and the Sargent got together. 

It is a completely different relationship to anything I have ever had in my life. And I still don't know if it was a good idea or not.

Some days, I feel like we can just marry )have kids, and it will be fine.

I may lack the warm and fuzzy feeling in my heart. That feeling that makes me want to cry. That feeling that makes me feel like we are one person. But we are compatible. 

Some days. I feel like I'm lieing to myself. I feel like I'm trying to convince myself that what's shouldn't be ok is ok. 

There are days I still think about the doctor, and even if I think of happy memories, it makes me want to cry. 

It's not that the Sargent doesn't treat me right. It's not the fact that we don't get along. But I can't help get over that feeling, that feeling like someone held onto my heart, and one kiss made me want to cry. 

I'm far off to say I love Sargent. I adore him to bits as a friend, and have the biggest respect for him. But I can't help that feeling that we will be well off and looked after by someone else. 

Why can't life just be satisfied by simple life.