Take Me Home

Some days, when I'm driving at dusk, it feels as if I kept on driving, I will eventually get home.

HOME, where my mother will welcome me.

HOME, where our cat will be sleeping all over the couch.

HOME, where my father will be working in the gardens.

HOME, where I smell the sweet aroma of my mother's cooking.


oh how I miss that.


My family has never been big on christmas. But I do miss my family a lot at this time of the year.

When everyone is full of smiles, thinking of their own family.

The gifts, the foods, the decorations.

It's not just about the day, but the built up to the day is what I miss the most.


Mum,  I want to come home.

Hitting the wall.

It 's not the fact that I was close to you.

But you left so much impact on me, and I don't know how to word this feeling.

All I know is that my heart is still sank from the fact that you are no longer walking on this earth.

It is a fact, that we barely talked,

It is a fact that I have not seen you in more than few years.

But what I do know is that you brightened up my darkest days.

I lived on your status updates, and videos.

And it was one of the few things that kept me up float.

Harry, you inspired and cherished people over a little screen, that was too small for you.

I can't wish anymore for you that you are at peace.

Save me a dance when I see you again.

Dancing scene is not the same without you.

One and the Only

You're the one and the only,

Nobody will ever try to replace the person called you,

And nobody will ever be able to replace the person called you.

You're the one and the only in the world,

And I hope you didn't forget to take your dance shoes and the best suit with you.

Rest in peace, and I hope you're in the happier place now.

Lock it

Every time I get hurt, I feel like this. I'm still looking for my prince charming,

but I feel like the more hopes I get up with new relationships and failing,

I'm having a matryoshka effect.

Frequency

I know life can be a b***h sometimes,

But for me, I really don't think it would hurt if that frequency is less.

One day, you think your dream has come true, and then the next, it's a nightmare.


I'm sick of being hurt.

I hate falling in love.


If being hurt is the consequence of falling in love, I don't want to fall in love again.

Time

I hate people that makes excuses for their life.

For me, a life is yours, it is in your control.

Other people can influence it,

Other people can try and change it,

But at the end of the day it is your life.

I was chatting to baby face today, we don't catch up as often as we should, or we like to these days. Over the last x years that we've known eachother, the only thing that has really changed is the fact that the word "assignments" got replaced by "projects" and the word "student allowance" got replaced by salaries.

But at the end of the day, nothing has really changed. Including the phrase

"I'm so envious of you, I want to have your ambition and courage"

The difference between him and I is that I like to see things, and yes, I am VERY fortunate that my parents are very open (unlike his). But I take appreciation in small discoveries of life. A 2 or even 3 day away from your city is still a new discovery for me. Or even taking a different turn on the road lets you see difference in life. I just stopped telling myself "there is not enough time"

Because really, you do.

Compared to him, I might seem like I've "done" more things, but the time spent on facebook each night., the time spent sitting in front of the TV, the time spent going to the malls. It's massive amount of time at the end of the day. Sure, money is a limitation, but not everything requires money, and I still don't feel like I've accomplished my life unless I go out.

Even half a day away, to a township 30 min away can still be an adventure, and that will take you what, 2 hours of the day?

The discoveries can even be in the home. When was the last time I picked up a book to appreciate my time? When was the last time I tried to learn new cooking? when was the last time I didn't touch cell phone or computer for a day?

I know for sure that I have very little concentration these days. I am definitely addicted to computers. Movies, TV streaming, reading blogs. Anything that doesn't worth anything.

Time and mind is the only limitation in life I find.

In few weeks, I'm moving to a new house, and I'm determined to make the most of the change over. Straighten up my life again.

After all, I will be 27 in very short time. And back when I was little, I thought 27 is fully grown adults, mature, know it all and everything. But I still feel like I'm not compatible of looking after myself too often.

Sick

When do you say you're too sick to go to work?

I think the answer is never.

There is no physical reason why you can't get up, but whether you can do anything productive, or not not be so infectious to other people is an another story.

I hate man flu....

"you don't know what you got til it's gone"

It's well said, but I never though I'd be the one who would feel like that although I'm the one who got dumped.

Now that you're far, I really notice now that you did care for me, and loved me, in a special way that you do.

But I never realised it til now, because it was the way you always treated me right from the beginning.

Because you always treated me in that way, I thought you're like that to all your friends.

But now I can see that I was wrong.

You did try your best out of the crap situations.

You were there for me when I was in need of help.

You were always so supportive of me.

What more did I want?


But I did want more. I wanted to be with someone that loves me all the time, not only at time when he's free. Someone to walk beside me. Someone to share my life with.

And he did do the right thing, if he's not ready or feel right to do so, it was the best to leave.

But it still leaves me with me an hollow heat, that only can be filled with him.

I miss the traces of you that doesn't exist anymore.


I was so blind on how much you cared for me, that I no longer saw the good sides of you.


I wonder sometimes, that I should just let everything go. No contact, no nothing, just so it'll be easier....

If he doesn't exist, then I don't know. And I won't get hurt.

Can I remove you from facebook? I don't want to know your life anymore. Because I know that one day, sooner than I would ever want to, there will be that special girl, in your special space, where I wanted to be.

It's a sad reality that facebook is counted as an official mode of communication. But it is, its the easiest announcement to the public, including those that you don't care.

I feel like I should deactivate the account, so I'm no longer bothered. And all those people I do care about, they are already connect to me one way or another.

Maybe it is an option when I move. new life, new location, new start.

I need to forget about you. I love you too much.

A Life

A life without a dream,

is like a bird without its wings,

is like a childhood without laughters,

is like a pancake without maple syrup,

is like a cat that doesn't purr,

is like a dance without passion,

is like a travel without adventures,

is like rose without its petals,

is like a friendship without love,

is like You not in my life.



Thank you everything for being in my life. Your love, your friendship, your kindness, your smiles,

You bring light into my life.

“Logic will get you from A to Z; imagination will get you everywhere.” ― Albert Einstein

A great quote if you think 

"I have a big dream, an it's infinity, and nobody can stop me from dreaming"

But if you turn it around,

"You can dream as much as you want, but in reality, the facts are only from A to Z, and you cannot change it whether you like it or not"

The quotes are only a line, but so many different ways to interpret depending on the mood you're  in. 

The Day Which "I Wish" Has Turned Into "I Will"

I always had a "I wish" list,

Just like anyone would.

But then I thought to myself.

"Why does it still need to be a WISH?"

I may not be the richest person in the world, but there is nothing stopping me from turning a "wish" into  "yes I will".

I was looking at buying some furnitures, and somehow, it didn't even occur to me to buy one second hand.

Maybe it's something I have forgotten about a bit from being in Singapore and Japan. Two countries where you hardly ever see a word second hand, other than some high end antiques ofcourse.

But as I flicked my favourite magazine, NZ House & Garden - the country living edition, I thought about the lovely fabrics I bought very recently, and how I could arrange my room closer to something I always wished I could have.

Sure, I'll need to buy some sand paper and do all the rustic appearance myself. But seriously, why not?

And I just got excited from there. Ok, so there are few furnitures I could buy for very cheap.... And I can def spend some money on changing the handles to something I like.

And also use some of the fabric I bout to make some mattresses and containers for me to use on top....

I may not be a millionaire, but I have a fortunate gift of imagination which my parents has passed on to me.

4 month in this new city, and I'm starting to like my life a little more.

Closure

I never though I would have a closure for this guy.

He was like nobody I knew. I never had to fake myself in front of you.

We started off ugly, and you also manage to beat up every attempt on trust I had for you.

The dinner last night was probably the most civilized you I have ever seen since the time before we got together.

And I can see what others meant by when you're in a relationship, you do love the person, and only the person.

But you came too late.

You asked me


"You never trusted me did you?"


The answer is


"no, I trusted you, but you broke my trust every single time".


All I wanted was 1 word out of you. Just to say that you're not in it just for the benefits.

It was so easy, yet it was 1 thing you just refused to do.

I never asked you to settle down,

I never asked you to be in a "relationship"

but instead, you told me


"we can change from friends to friends with benefits".


I may act like a bro, but I am still a girl.

I still see the attraction I saw on him, and I do enjoy his company, but it's not the same.

All the other guys I meet, it only puts 1 man on my mind now. And everyone else just seems so washed away. And you're not the exception.

Crazy cat, I can almost say I loved you. But you missed the biggest chance.

I won't say you don't have any chancee, but what you lost, you better try twice as hard to get it back if you really want it.

A candle lit dinner and your compliments are not enough anymore.

You Smile

It amazes me each time, how one smile of yours ensures me each time, that you are actually there.

And will always be there for me every time I need someone.

Just one look at your smile, made me forget that 2 weeks was nothing. And that you truely were busy this whole time.

And I should know this by now, that when you promise me that you won't hurt me, you are never going to hurt me.

But I guess it's more of a trauma.

The difference between now and then is huge, so I shouldn't keep on looking at the past and think that it's going to happen again.

Yet again, I hate myself for having to do so over and over.

But right now, I am thankful for your smile,

and 1 thing is for sure.

I miss you even more than ever.

I'm here.

I think to myself,


"just one more day, one more chance"

And everything will be fine.

 But every day, every time I think of that, you beat my expectation, and let me down again.

I don't want to force you, yet I hate it when you can't keep your promises.

Are you actually forgetting your promises or you just pretend you don't remember.

You told me last time you forget easily, but sometimes, I wish I was important enough that you don't.

I know your highest priority isn't me.

And you have way too many people you love, but please,

Don't forget about me.

I miss you

The Power of Social Network

I've decided to make Sunday night the cell phone and social network free day.

The problem with social network is that it's a waste of time. It seriously is.

It's as bad as watching tv.

The time passes without doing much.

As much as I love having friends, and chatting friends, there are day that I have to say STOP to this social network madness.

When I start looking 1 thing on net, I want to look at another, and then another and so on...

I've forced myself to not think, do something mindless, and stop caring about technology (minus blogging, this is different).

And how much I feel better now.

The whole 2 weeks, I've been on the social network less and less. Just because I didn't want to know that you were online, and had enough time to play games, but you still decided that writing one line of

"Hi"

or

"Good morning, I hope you have a good day"

is too much.

I'm sick of waiting already. I know this isn't part of the deal, but even as a friend, I feel like crap.

she said to me

"maybe it's time to let go"

And there is part of me that agrees with her. I don't know how I feel about him. I don't have much faith in him coz of what happened last time. And whether I'm doing this now because of me doing an unfinished business or simply coz my heart tells me to.

Poet asked me before

"how do you always get into these situations?"

He was referring to something else, but I can relate this into that too. And I simply don't know.

And how I wish for once, I want to be with someone who simply loves me.

Silence

I look at the photo and how I wish it was me who was there.

I look at the photo and how I wish it was mine in your arms.

I look at the photo and can't help feeling the love for you.

Just wishing and wishing and wishing.....

It's been a long 2 weeks of silence. I know you are busy, and I know you have more than a bit on your hand.

But I can't ignore the feeling that gives me a sharp pain in my heart.

Telling me that I miss you too much.

I've learnt to ignore, and pretend I am ok.

But how I wish you noticed that I learnt it coz of you.

Young and Ruthless

I don't know how I survived my teenage years,

Everything was so much easier back then, and doing it now, it's just not the same....

I cannot say I miss the youth, but I definitely feel the age hitting our body once in a while.

The price we pay for a night of fun is a lot more than those glorious days...

Butterflies

I have a butterfly in my stomach telling me everything that I should be fluttering in the air.

Instead, I'm pretending that I'm not.

But secretly, in my dreams, I always am.

Sharing is Caring

Having someone you care close by doesn't just mean you get to share every moment with them.

It's not just about the cuddles, it's not just about the kisses,  it's about everything.

I missed you today when I was making the cookies.

I missed you today when I realised I didn't have some to tell how delicious the strawberries are, or the fact that I can't ask you if you want to taste one.

I thought I would be ok with not seeing you so frequent thing, but I guess at times like this, I wish I was never alone.

I definitely need to get a car, and I definitely have to find a way to occupy myself.

I don't want to be a burden to you, whether this works out or not. I still want to be your friend, on your side, when you are in smile or when you are in tears.

I am going to be the strong girl that I'm not.

But right now, I wish you were here to share the strawberries with me....