Identity crisis

Every now and then, I face with this question


"who am I?"


I once got very upset at a work colleague for told me "you're not a japanese"

Back then, all I wanted to say to him was was

"I don't have to live in the country to be physically Japanese, my heart is Japanese"

But now I'm in this country that is neither NZ or Japan. And the question arise when I am introduced to other people "Her name is Yuko, she is from ....."

When they say I'm Japanese, they always ask me "why is your English so good?" and starts asking me all these question about Japan that I have no idea about.

And when they say I'm from NZ, they ask "are you born in NZ?" or "why is your name Japanese?" so I have to explain the whole story.

The more people I meet over here, the stronger I feel that I don't know amuch about Japan.  I only know the very surface of the country.

But then saying that, that surface is embedded enough in me that I can't say I'm a kiwi.

Sure, I can tell other people that "I'm more of a kiwi than Japanese", but here in Asia, where many country became the battle ground in the WWII, I cannot say "hey, I'm raised in NZ so I have no guilt in what the Japanese soldiers did". I like to respect those places and want to leave them at peace, I carry the guilt of my people.  But then if there was a battleground for NZ vs. Japan somewhere, then which side would I pay the respect to? I cannot answer.

I had a really bad caucasion deprive at one stage, and looked at expat forums, seeing who I could possibly meet up.  Even back in NZ, I felt more at ease with caucasion friends than nz bred asians. I skipped all those profiles that looked Asian, and suddenly I realised.......

No matter how hard I try or feel comfortable with them, their impression of me is always going to be an Asian.  If others are deprived like me too, then there is a likelihood of disappointing the recipient is very high.

But at the same time, where do I belong??

The answer is NOWHERE


I read on this website for Asian Americans, and apparently the children who are 2nd generation and etc gets this symptom of "Identity Crisis" when they first start going to school, and ask the parents the question "what am I?? am I a Chinese (or any other race) or an American??". The guide said to answer to the children.

"You are a Chinese American".

And suddenly it clicked.

Maybe I don't need to identify myself as 1 nationality. After all, both NZ and Japan have made the person called me. I can call myself "Japanese New Zealander" or "New Zealand Japanese" - which I like the sound better.

When I was with EuroTraining, I always wondered why he introduced himself as "NZ Chinese" or "NZ born Chinese" and now understand why.  It does take away the effort of explaining yourself over and over and it does somewhat identify who you are.

I am going to say this one more time,

I AM A NEW ZEALAND JAPANESE.

/end of story/

Pity Money

In Singapore office, we call any cash paid from work "pity money".  I absolutely hate that word.  For me, it sounds like

"the money we are giving you doesn't worth that much for us, but because we feel sorry for you for finding this much money that precious, we are going to give it to you".

While I'm over here, I'm getting this "pity money" which is like living allowance. Except the amount I get per month is twice the amount that the last trainee was getting, and exactly the amount the person who is 1 year senior is getting paid per month.

Now when I went out shopping today, we were looking at these beautiful batik garments all over the place.   I am totally in love with batik, and I even found one that would be great for my mother's birthday present. Made by the traditional method, by hand.  The price was 160,000 Rps, which is roughly NZ $25.  When I convert, I usually convert in my head, but the problem is, I count in Japanese, and Japanese numbers go up in a group of 10000 not 1000 like it is in English, so I mistook one extra zero.  Originally, I heard that the price was 100000Rps, so I thought, man, 100 plus bucks for those is so nice but pricy, so I gave up and left the shop.  But I actually liked it so much and wanted it so much to give to my mother.

So I asked my workmate to let me use her phone and calculated the price just in case I had it wrong.  It turns out that it was actually 160000 Rps, and when converted, about 25 bucks.  So I was instantly sold.

I thought that was a bargain price for an original item like that.  But for people who do live here, that price must feel like 160 bucks or so.  I wouldn't be surprised.  And here I was, shopping with the money I got from the company which the girls worked very hard every day and earnt.

So here is another question.  We get paid in singapore dollars (or Japanese yen), and when converted, our  monthly salary is about x10 the local girls.  Now why am I getting this money??

Although it is nice to have an extra cash to spare, and it is true that eqv. of Singapore 150 bucks in singapore is buggar all, it's the price of a cheap apartment room per week.  I actually want to refuse this money.  I have enough to feed myself, and now that I know how much they per others month, I don't want to get this treatment.

The exchange rate is nothing that can be helped, in any other country, this amount is a real pity money.  But int this country, it worth 1 month of salary.  I'd rather give it to the people who deserves it.  It shouldn't be paid to a person like me.

My boss said to me on the way to work one day

"the first thing that shocked me in this country is the difference in poverty"

I'd say, don't speak such bullshit if you are paying the foreign employees some money like that under your own decision. It is THE biggest bullshit I've ever heard.

Key

Today, I've lost my key

I've always been really good at losing my key or forgetting to take my key, but this is the 2nd time in my life that I lost my key outside my house.

I had to call my boss to ask for my spare key that the company stores for "just in case" purpose.

The first thing he asked me was "did anyone follow you home??"

When I first noticed that I've lost it, the only thing that was going through my head was

"shit, how the hell am I going to get into my room"


And simply, that was all. I thought, if I ask someone to call the mall tomorrow and see if anyone has picked up the key, I'm sure it will be found.  There is nothing to identify which apartment the key belongs to.  All they will be able to tell is that it belongs to my row of complexes that already has 6 apartment on it.

It didn't even slightly cross my mind about security.  I thought I got used to the dodgyness of this country, but this beat me.

Although I do have like a chain thing for inside my house, I am REALLY paranoid now.  I feel as though someone may rob me while I'm in the house.  To be honest, if someone robs me while I'm out, I'm not too fussed as there aren't many things at my house.  Probably the most of my concern may be a stolen laptop.  I would be more than slightly pissed off to have my pictures and stuff stolen.

Normally, I take my laptop to work so it doesn't really matter, but for tomorrow only, I have to leave it behind.....

Shit, now I AM COMPLETELY PARANOID

My people, my country

Every day, every hour, every minute

I pray for this moment to be safe,
for my family
for my friends
for the survivors of the quake and the tsunami
and my country

I pray that tomorrow will be another safe day

I don't wish for any more than a day of peace for my people.

Please let tomorrow be another safe day.

Looking Out of My Window....

I'm looking out of my window of my house and realizing there hasn't been a single day since I've been here that I've been able to see all the way without the smoky clouds covering the way.

I don't know if it's actually the climate here that is causing this cloud or the smog from the factories.  But suddenly I'm missing the never ending farm scape of New Zealand.

I'm glad that I am at least living by myself that I don't have to care about other people while I'm home, so it makes the home sick not as bad as it normally is.

I think it is true about how people adapt to new places much slower when you're older. Although saying that, things I miss in food-wise over here is stuff like pate, whole meal breads, fresh salad with feta and olives, none of which are anything related to Japan.

It really helps that driver picks me up in the morning, I don't have to motivate myself to leave my house to go to work.

I wish I was in NZ still having a holiday.

I'm a Spoilt Brat

Well, there are few things I learnt since I've arrived in Indonesia, but one of the biggest thing is the fact that I'm a complete spoilt little brat.

I used to think that you know, I'm adaptable, I can take on quite a few things, but that thought alone is a comment of a kid who hasn't seen the world.

Now that I'm in a country where English is an alienated language, I know extremely well about how useless I am.  Even when I was in Singapore, I was frustrated about the fact that people are quire short tempered over there and they will literally ignore you when you don't speak in proper madarin/chinese pronounsation.

Now that I'm in Indonesia, I'm living in a house that normal people will never afford to live, and if I want anything, all I have to do is tell my boss, and I even get some pocket money.  I get a private driver to my doorstep every morning and night.  While I have all this, I'm too scared for my precious body that I'm way over-using hand sanitizers, baby wipes instead of water,  I don't use anything but bottled water, I will keep my 2 aircons in my room on all the time.  I'm refusing to eat most of local food coz of my poor stomach, and also I have to ask someone to help me with EVERYTHING including "my hot water isn't running" and "the cloth hanger we brought has a part missing and needs to be replaced".  Oh, and most hilarity of all, I am now one of those people who is wrapped in Louis Vitton, quite literally as it's my bedding.

While I get all these treatments, my colleagues some whom are senior, comes to work on a public transport, taking 2 hours.  Gets paid a less than me, talks to me in a polite form.  As we drive to work, we pass some of the poor parts of the city.   Some of these houses don't even look liveable, but they are living in it.  Some young children are working on the streets filled with dust, exhorts , .  And I think to myself, although I was excited about getting all these treatments, what do I actually do that I deserve these treatments?? Me, a newbie, who doesn't know crap gets the best treatment and treated like a guest.  How?? I really wonder how??

And also, I wished my company would give some of these money they spend on me to Christchurch.  And while I thought about these things, an earthquake and tsunami hit in Japan, and aftershock and more tsunami is still continuing. I am fortunate that even during both of these events, my family and friends are ok although they were in the disaster hit areas.  Unlike my colleague whom the parent is actually from that tsunami hit area, and still can't get in touch.   There is nothing I can do for these people except to pray, and donate some money if I can.  I just feel absolutely useless and I'm hating it.


I am so useless, I feel like a child who wants to grow up so I can do something, but the reality is.......

This Country Called Singapore

So it's been exactly 2 weeks since I've arrived in this country called Singapore.

I've finally got quite settled into this place, and making myself at home in Sembawang.  But 1 thing that bugs me about this country is how everyone refers as being "clean".  But what is meant by "clean"?

This country is perfectly ordered.  Every district in a way looks exactly the same.  Some HDB, some Condo, and shops.  Or just go into city for shops after shops after shops.  I wonder, does people chose to live the life they currently do or they just do it for their familiarity. It seems as though the only way to make a difference in lifestyle in this country is to have money an that's all.  In a way that's 1 thing common about Asia.  People are all exactly the same, like a perfect stamp or something.  But then saying that, the physical cleanness of this place is maintained by the labour workers.  And the difference in poverty is clear.  Even at work, people make their own group, and stay with it.  Everyone talks about "marrying a rich man" and not really believing marrying the one they love but not so rich.  And also, the people who are not from local university or developed country are secluded at lunchtime.  Not because they do any less work or anything, but they don't really get talked to much either.  

Also, I may be wrong, but this country seems to be very restricted by the government in many aspects.  And that is probably the reason why it's kept so much in order.  But then saying that, everything is about fines.  Yes, it is nice to live in a country and feeling safe.  But I feel as though I'm being watched whatever I do.

It kind of feels like I'm living in the world of Matrix.  Everything here is man made, including the waterfront.  That is one of the huge difference from being in New Zealand when there is so much greenery.

And now I'm wondering how long am I going to live in this country?

Even being in least Asian country like Singapore, I'm not too perfectly comfortable, so I don't think I'll ever survive anywhere else in Asia.  I guess I'm a banana to the core.

Oh, and I had to have a laugh last night, 1 thing I hate about Asia is how much people care about how they look, and that is included in dancing.  A lot of people know how to look pretty and elegant when they dance.  But this is SALSA, it is meant to be passionate, it is meant to be HOT.  Although there were fair few good dancers, dancing is supposed to be enjoyed more than anything, and not just to look pretty.  I wished so much that Jack was there.  We would have rocked the floor.  I wonder when will be the next time I'll get to dance with him.....

But yeah, I shouldn't put myself through homesick again.  I'm off to Indonesia on Monday and worrying about Singapore should be least of the worry for now.