I hate every time you have a change in life, people want to know precisely what your next move is.
The truth is, I don't know.
And neither do I know what I want.
This is one of the few times in my life that I don't know what I want.
I was planning to travel, but the fact that I have absolutely no plans, also means that I will have seriously no money when I come back. Living with family really doesn't help either, they forgive me too much for being myself. It's so easy to be lazy, I can spend everyday doing absolutely everything if it wasn't for my family, making dinner and cleaning the house and all.
My parents still makes me feel like a baby, and I don't mind acting like one every once in a while. But it's a bit sad getting older, when you're little you don't think about money, they just somehow fell from the sky. But even living with family, I feel bad if I'm using up electricity, gas, food budget and what not. Even living at home I have to get the reality check that nothing in life can go back the way it used to be.
It's a small change, and times flies, I know.
I know I have to make the next move, and all I can think of is go back to nz and be with my friends. I really can't think of anything else that I want to do.
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
Thursday, March 22, 2012
Brain vs. Body
I heard once that your brain can forget "memories", but your body will still remember even if your brain didn't. I mean, after all, they are both act of brain. But it's more the fact about right or left brain I guess.
I've made something today which I haven't made for 3 years. Meat ball tomato sauce. It was EuroTraining's favourite dish that he used to reward himself for. I used to regret introducing him into watching Gordon Ramsay's Kitchen Nightmare. The program that got him started on the whole cooking supree thing. It was cool to begin with considering it stopped him from eating plain pasta and tuna or smoked chicken 3 times a day (and instant noodles on a special occasion). But then he idolised Gordon so much to the point that even if I ever suggest him an alternative way of making it for the better, he won't ever listen. Also, he never believed about the fact that cook books are not always true, but they are generally simplified for a regular home cooking. And all chef will never put exact recipes, and neither is it possible to do so. It's too much to do with sensation and taste of the actual ingredients and everything. But the thing with beginner cooks, they will never do anything different, even to the point of how much salt to put in.
Anyway, I won't deny the fact that indeed EuroTraining did become a pretty good cook, and there were some favourites amongst them. But restaurant foods are NEVER designed for every day eating. Meatball and tomato sauce was 1 of the favourite recipe. But the taste was so distinct that I just didn't want to make them again after we broke up. The smell of the fresh thyme and rosemary, the taste of pork and beef mince mix.... I've made alternative recipes that are similar since, but not this exact one that he used to make. It made me feel too lonely to eat them again by myself.
It was the first time cooking it today, and indeed I did enjoy the smell whilst I was making it. Until the point I wanted to check whether it was cooked enough or not. The first bite I took, it almost made me cry. It took me all the way to that little kitchen that doesn't exist anymore. The one that I had to scrub down so much coz it was too filthy to touch initially. How I used to see the sun going down through the kitchen window whilst he was standing in the kitchen making those meat balls.
I can even remember the very scent of the house. Every single tiny details of the house, whether that was a pleasant one or not is a different story. But I don't even remember all the details of the other houses I used to live in in Dunedin, but I remembered his so clearly.
I'm glad my parents weren't home today. I was completely at a shock when I tried that it almost made me cry....
All those memories....
I've made something today which I haven't made for 3 years. Meat ball tomato sauce. It was EuroTraining's favourite dish that he used to reward himself for. I used to regret introducing him into watching Gordon Ramsay's Kitchen Nightmare. The program that got him started on the whole cooking supree thing. It was cool to begin with considering it stopped him from eating plain pasta and tuna or smoked chicken 3 times a day (and instant noodles on a special occasion). But then he idolised Gordon so much to the point that even if I ever suggest him an alternative way of making it for the better, he won't ever listen. Also, he never believed about the fact that cook books are not always true, but they are generally simplified for a regular home cooking. And all chef will never put exact recipes, and neither is it possible to do so. It's too much to do with sensation and taste of the actual ingredients and everything. But the thing with beginner cooks, they will never do anything different, even to the point of how much salt to put in.
Anyway, I won't deny the fact that indeed EuroTraining did become a pretty good cook, and there were some favourites amongst them. But restaurant foods are NEVER designed for every day eating. Meatball and tomato sauce was 1 of the favourite recipe. But the taste was so distinct that I just didn't want to make them again after we broke up. The smell of the fresh thyme and rosemary, the taste of pork and beef mince mix.... I've made alternative recipes that are similar since, but not this exact one that he used to make. It made me feel too lonely to eat them again by myself.
It was the first time cooking it today, and indeed I did enjoy the smell whilst I was making it. Until the point I wanted to check whether it was cooked enough or not. The first bite I took, it almost made me cry. It took me all the way to that little kitchen that doesn't exist anymore. The one that I had to scrub down so much coz it was too filthy to touch initially. How I used to see the sun going down through the kitchen window whilst he was standing in the kitchen making those meat balls.
I can even remember the very scent of the house. Every single tiny details of the house, whether that was a pleasant one or not is a different story. But I don't even remember all the details of the other houses I used to live in in Dunedin, but I remembered his so clearly.
I'm glad my parents weren't home today. I was completely at a shock when I tried that it almost made me cry....
All those memories....
Saturday, March 3, 2012
Memories
Sometimes we all get trapped within our memories, and wish that things were different, or we did something different back then. But then sometimes, we open our old book of memory and realize something you've forgotten about.
I only remembered today that my chat software has an automatic save for all the chats from the past.
And it was a strange surprise to find out that myself and EuroTraining was still in touch even in good terms right up almost til the day that we ended all our connections.
I still remember being scared of seeing him each time we did. And I remember more of bad memories than good memories that I had with him. I hardly can remember the nice things he used to do for me, and now I feel a bit embarrassed for it. I know a lot of the times, he didn't mean the stuff he did, and he was good to me. Otherwise I would never have considered marrying him at any stage. But I stopped wondering about "what if things are different".
I was recently translating a script for a friend, and it was about a man who lost his girl friend and got stuck in trap of time, not wanting to create new memories because of this one conversation he had with her
"If we have a capacity of how much memories we can have, then the more new memories we create, more it overwrites the old and erases them".
So he refused to change his lifestlye so he will not forget about her.
I think my life after EuroTraining left me is a bit like that. But now I am glad that we have an ability to forget so we can move on.
My old boss told me one day about this man who remembers 100% of his memories, and how he cannot forget anything even if he had wished. And after he broke up with his only girlfriend he ever had, he couldn't get over it. Because his memories are still fresh, and still raw. It still gives him pain 30 years on about the moment she left him, just as if it was only yesterday. And for him, it just feels like that.
I'm thankful I'm not like that. Despite the fact that yes, he may have been the man of my life, I enjoy my life the way it is right now. I got to meet all these great friends I have now because I did not go on the same path with him.
There are things you sometimes only learn because you are no longer in the relationship. These days I wonder if I'll ever meet a man to spend rest of my life with, but I may also be happy even if I didn't. With all these amazing friends that I have all over the world.
I guess I am a little emotional today, but it doesn't hurt to be trapped in old lost memories once in a while. It is everything that made me the person that I am today.
I only remembered today that my chat software has an automatic save for all the chats from the past.
And it was a strange surprise to find out that myself and EuroTraining was still in touch even in good terms right up almost til the day that we ended all our connections.
I still remember being scared of seeing him each time we did. And I remember more of bad memories than good memories that I had with him. I hardly can remember the nice things he used to do for me, and now I feel a bit embarrassed for it. I know a lot of the times, he didn't mean the stuff he did, and he was good to me. Otherwise I would never have considered marrying him at any stage. But I stopped wondering about "what if things are different".
I was recently translating a script for a friend, and it was about a man who lost his girl friend and got stuck in trap of time, not wanting to create new memories because of this one conversation he had with her
"If we have a capacity of how much memories we can have, then the more new memories we create, more it overwrites the old and erases them".
So he refused to change his lifestlye so he will not forget about her.
I think my life after EuroTraining left me is a bit like that. But now I am glad that we have an ability to forget so we can move on.
My old boss told me one day about this man who remembers 100% of his memories, and how he cannot forget anything even if he had wished. And after he broke up with his only girlfriend he ever had, he couldn't get over it. Because his memories are still fresh, and still raw. It still gives him pain 30 years on about the moment she left him, just as if it was only yesterday. And for him, it just feels like that.
I'm thankful I'm not like that. Despite the fact that yes, he may have been the man of my life, I enjoy my life the way it is right now. I got to meet all these great friends I have now because I did not go on the same path with him.
There are things you sometimes only learn because you are no longer in the relationship. These days I wonder if I'll ever meet a man to spend rest of my life with, but I may also be happy even if I didn't. With all these amazing friends that I have all over the world.
I guess I am a little emotional today, but it doesn't hurt to be trapped in old lost memories once in a while. It is everything that made me the person that I am today.
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