Erase.

There is a saying in Japanese

"Things with shape is meant to be broken".

In another words, anything in this life, nothing is stable.

I definitely agree with that.

The other day, I accidentally dropped my external HD and permanently disabled it's function. Only then I have found out how they work!!! I always knew that when the HD is running, it sounded like a CD spinning but I just presumed that it's a fan running inside.

So from my understanding, it's a multiple double sided CD's inside, that's storing information for me.

And anyway, by dropping this, t bent the reading thing and started scratching my disk and now it won't load on my computer.

So what was inside??

Well, the unwatched multiple movies, some ebooks, some back in the days uni work back up, and also my photos. 2.5 years worth from when I was dating EuroTraining.

The funny story is that the photos stored on there pretty much starts from straight after I started dating him, and then up to the year we broke up.

I uploaded a lot of photos on facebook so I do have a few of my fav up there in low quality. But after we broke up, I deleted the ones of us looking like a couple. I didn't like the thought of my future partner looking at them.

But now, EVERYTHING is deleted.

I was originally going to get the data recovered as it also had my graduation photos. Definitely 1 of the life time event that I don't want to miss. But that one I had a back up for.

Then the road trips x2 with my high school friends: 2 of my friends were the main cameraman, so they both have the back up of those photos.

Then there is the photos from when I went of my holiday up north to visit my oldest friend, which she has the copies off as I put them on her computer when I left their place.

And another photo I didn't want to lose was the photo of my favourite chef friend, before he got ill, and the cafe was still vibrant. But those photos I had the back up for as after I took them, I made a web album so the Chef and other colleagues back then can see it.

And parties and birthdays I didn't care so much as majority of my fav photos are up on fb. Not at the full quality, but it's good enough to watch and see the old memories every now and then.

So it turns out that the only photos that I've lost completely and have no back up photos for, is the photo of me and Euro Training. The xmas we spent together, the only trip to Queenstown, wee date out to the peninsula, 2 balls. But you know what, it took me 3 days to actually figure out what photos I was missing. And when I finally did, it didn't hurt anymore. I would have never have deleted those photos if I had to do them myself. But then there was no point in keeping them.

There was no "us" anymore, and my heart doesn't get that jabbing pain hearing his name. The good memories are kept in my heart, and that's enough for me. I don't need to see a physical evidence that I was in love. I want to make a room for my future partner whoever that will be. He might fill up part of my heart every now and then, but I'm ok now, I'm moving on.

Good bye my photos, good my memories, and say hello to my new future.

Still Lost.

It's amazing how much time in your life you can waste.

I've been jobless for almost 3 months. And I'm still here unsure of what I want to do.

I think sometimes in life, it's easier to not think, and just move the body, and let things flow the way it flows.

For once, I like being a stupid dumb girl who has no plans.

I don't have anything stable under my feet, but maybe that's just the way it's supposed to be.

I feel like throwing everything that I have, so I only have a bag to carry with me.

I'm not interested in looking pretty that much anymore

I like cultures, I like people.

I feel as though I want to be a hobo, just travel around for all my life, taking pictures of what I see so I can share with the people I love.

I wish the world would not revolve around money, but I know that's not possible.

My friend told me to write a book, along with the pictures that I took in the past.

Everything sound so sweet but I know reality is not that sweet.

Or am I making excuses so I don't have to do it all?

Am I closing the paths so I don't have to look at it?

I don't know...

My heart tells me that I need to go back home, where everything I love is.

But I'm scared that my home can't provide me things I need to live.

I love being surrounded by people but sometimes I just want to escape

Or have a friend I can be silent with.

I feel like I'm being a spoilt little brat, year by year

Maybe I am.

Maybe I'm not as strong as I thought I was.

Some part of me tells me I want to get back into that career path leading top of the line products.

But knowing the hell I have to go through, I don't want to do it again.

Sometimes I think girls have it easy, when it comes to worse, we can run away from reality in the name of "making a family".

Even having a family is not that easy, I know, but when you want to run away from life, it's the best place to be.

I still don't know what I want....