Day 4

I didn't realise til now that having a bad company is worse than having no company.

All I want is my own time. I don't want anyone to try and analyze me or understand me. I know what I need to do, but I need to be alone.

I turned my skype on to talk to my mum today and chickened out when I saw my colleagues online. I feel as though the silent existence of them is putting the guilt attack on me.

I still don't know how to tell my parents. I know they will be fine with it, and it's only me that has a problem, but I don't like to let them down or be worried over me. I want to stay as their proud daughter.

I thought I was slowly getting back onto my feet, but I can feel myself shaking by just looking at colleague's names, I don't know how I'll face them when I see them again.

Day2

I'm already lost.

I feel like I need to work and keep on waking up at 7.30am.....

And the week haven't even started yet, it's a Sunday.

7 days to go.

F****D it up BIG Time

When I woke up this morning, I was tempted to take an MC. Why? coz I was mentally and physically not recovered from over working the week before. And I had a feeling I'll f**k something up if I go to work like this.

And I did.

I already f****d up big time last week x2, and again on Monday, when people I guess should be refreshed from having a break over the weekend. But when you are at the workplace where you are not allowed to go home because everyone else is working, and you are expected to work late to "help" others if they are still working, then things really start to get out of hand. We should be able to choose how we work the best, but there is only 1 right way at my work at the moment.

I like to go home on time, so next day, I come to work refreshed, not dragging myself to it coz I have to.

I'm supposed to be working harder than ever this month and next, so I can get a tracked record of being a "good" employee. But doing the opposite at the moment. It even got to the point when my boss told me she can't keep me if I keep on f***ing up like this. In the very asian manner that is, a really long lecture that you gotta read what the point of the story is.

People def lose concentration when you're tired, and I'm at that point. It's not very often for me to be out of energy to the point I don't want to talk to anyone. And I've hit that point now. I just wanna sleep all day, spend the day in the sun, or be in the arm of a loved one, but I get none. And it's time like this I have to have a visitor, so I can't even have my own time in the weekend. And next weekend there will be another, and the weekend to follow... yeah lucky me aye.

I think MC'S should be granted to those who have mental problems, coz I would def qualify for that right now.

More Selfish Day By Day

I wish I could just call you just coz I felt like it.

I always have to stop myself to tell myself that no, I am not his girlfriend.

Is it just me that thinks I need to draw a line? There is part of me that if I keep on trying, then I will reach there at the end of the day.

And there is part of me that tells me that if I do that, then he will run away.

Why is things so much more complicated as we grow older?

Why can't we just do it coz I want to?

I'm on the waiting side, waiting, and waiting every day.

Poet asked me one day "can't you just txt him and ask? doesn't he let you know if he can't be online tonight??" It's coz we never have a promise, it's not that we have a set time to catch up. This is the thing that sux most about internet. You get to know too much about what the other person is up to especially on social network like facebook. Back in the days, when we only used landline phones to catch up with people, all you had to do was to call them and then if they are home, you can talk, when they don't pick up, it means they're out. You don't have to feel like you're being ignored coz you know that "x min ago, he/she was online, but didn't bother chatting to you".

I am such a crying baby, while I had a really great time over the weekend, all I thought was how I can tell this news to you. And now that I can't, I feel like just picking up the phone to call you just to say good night, coz I know you were at least awake and on net 3min a go..... (and I love you internet for crashing at the right timing).

I'm so deprived of you.

Obsession.

Enough said.

The Love Game

You know you want it, but you don't wanna show it.

Guys always want the things that are harder to get.

I tried to be a snob tonight, and waited for you to contact me instead of me trying to catch you for change. I just wanted to see that you weren't trying to avoid me or feeling awkward. And I got sad when I knew that you were online but didn't talk to me.

Until I got an email.

Turns out he was looking for me, but internet decided to hide me so he thought I was out.

I'm struggling to live only being able to talk 1 night a week. Although you send me an email almost every single morning.

I remember starting off like this when I was still in Jakarta. When the only time it suited us was Monday nights. And the unstable internet connection limiting our dates constantly.

Compared to back then, I can't complain about it. You send me messages constantly, and close enough to have a marvelous time when I visited. You care for me in the way that I want you to. But I'm still being greedy.

Will I be happy if I get what I want in the end?

I hope so, coz I don't want to be a bitch.

I'm a me monster. You already fill my life, but I want to fill your life too.