Jealousy

It's stupid to feel jealousy towards pro dancers.

They have more than a bit of experience than you, and talent than you, and spent more hours practicing than you.

Yet I can't stop wishing that I could dance like them, blasting the floor.

For me, dancing better is not to show off (well, most of the time), but it's about having to do ANYTHING that I want to do exactly the way I imagined in my mind or even better.

But also, there is a part of me that can't tolerate being just an average dancer again. I want to be better, I want to be the girl that everyone want to watch again.

I want to stand in fornt of the mirror, and practice my moves again.

I want critiques.

I want the adrenalines of the competitions.

I want to be out there again.

I want to live the life of my other dream.

I WANT TO DANCE

Ceroc

For all my dancing life, I absolutely endured Ceroc. I just couldn't think of a life without dancing ceroc.

I also do love bachata, but it was a completely different world when compared to Ceroc. Ceroc was a social dancing, and to dance with anyone. Bachata was to melt myself into the music and fall in love all again.

Yet, looking at those clips from ceroc, my heart doesn't pounder anymore. The oohs and ahhs and the glamours I used to see in ceroc is not there anymore. When I get back onto the dance floor, there is still no other dancing that puts me on a high as much as ceroc does.

I can jump, I can fly, I can slide, I can do anything.

Yet, there is part of me that wants to more. I want to be up there with the professionals.



Dancing is still my hobby, but dancing in a little island isn't enough anymore. I want more.

Dancing WCS and Salsa and bachata, they all taught me that you need technicalities to dance better. Just having a passions is not enough. Ceroc may be free, but that also means there are no basics. Seeing Chuck Brown in real life really doesn't help either. Even the way he warms up, you can tell instantly the difference between any Cerocers, and triggers my want for being better.

knowing that I can hit the beat better, knowing that I can feel the music better than those teachers on those dvd's that I used to admire, I am being more and more greedy.

I wish I had a partner again. I wish that I had a partner that can read every moves that I want.

I want to be out there, to burn the floor once again.

I look back at the piles of my old Ceroc notes of moves. And remember those days that manhattan was a pretty and an awesome move, and swan dip was a extremely hard execution. I wonder where those days has gone....

But am I wanting to be better to be on the top for Ceroc? I don't know... I truly don't know.....

Confused

Sometimes, I wish things were as clear as black and white.

I wish we didn't had to make decisions, or given decisions to make choices.

Sometimes I deliberately make mistakes knowing it's a mistake.

But I still keep on making false choices.

I thought I made my decision when I left NZ that I won't make the same mistake again. But yet, I make same mistake over and over.

I thought part of growing up is that you learn from your own mistakes.

But I guess I still choose to make mistakes to not teach myself.....

A Little Lonely

A lot of the times, I'm happy living my life.

Having good friends, having good company and having a loving family. I really can't ask for more.

Yet, I miss you.

I miss you a lot.

When I'm with my friends, I'm ok.

But when I get an email from you to find out that I missed you again, I can't help feeling the hollowness in my heart.

I want to see you, I want to kiss you, I want to be in your arms.

I don't know when I get to see you again.

And all I want to do is to wake up in your arms everyday.

I miss you, I miss you, I miss you....

Mr. P

A man gets off the mrt, with a bouquet of roses in his arms. I imagine who his lucky girl may look like....

 As I sat down in the mrt, and then I see a man on my left, sitting right in middle of two seats, hogging both of them. Then I see a ring on his finger and imagine what kind of unlucky girl he got hold of.....

I got an email today, a colleague from the chocolate factory. We used to have big times back then. Drinks almost every weekend and partied hard in every occasion. We did some "off" stuff together too. like going to watch the cage fighting right up at front seat, going for a drive to Wanaka to see the Birds over Wanaka (a warbird air show), and trip to bluff oyster festival. I won't deny that I did have a little crush on him back then. But we were to much of a

"eeeeew workmates????"

to give it a chance.

Just plain "P" is what we used to call him. It def helped me cos his full name was too hard to pronounce when I first heard!! And how awkward/funny it was to work beside him when he became my manager, and how hard it was to not call him "P" at work anymore.... Good memories though.

The OompaLoompa and I used to give him crap about how he gets "beer goggles". His lady of his dreams were a tall slender model like lady, high demanding to keep him company and tall enough to match his height. But with the goggles on..... Yeah, no comment!!

I knew he had a serious gf before and we even spotted him with her over and over with her even after they broke up. And he used to say

"there is nobody in the world like her, she is the only person that I ever wanted".

He def loved her with all he had. Minus his love and devotion for his work which ruined their relationship!

But yes, this man called "P", I was so happy to receive a news that he is getting married. And getting married next month!! And so typically of him to decide to invite me when it's only 2.5 weeks away!! Only if I was still in Singapore it was before I booked my departure flight then I would have given him a straight yes!!

He is one heck of a great man (and nice looks, and god damn on my spot perfume preference!! And how torturing it was to have meeting with him in a small room!!), and I can't be happier about this great news.

Yet I feel a little sad for the sake that another one of my ex-always a free spirit single friend is going to be on a leash....!

Def not a jealousy as such like "I wanted you!!" but more like a girl who got her teddies taken off her. I do love him, but def 100% as a good friend, and it feels a little lonely to know that he does have his own life and he's going forwards!!

Either way, CONGRATULATIONS Mr.P!

Misunderstanding

Ever since day 1 of work, my impressions of my workmates were that they were scared of me. They treated me like a zoo animal, and wasn't too sure what to do with me or how to treat me. They won't make an eye contact, they will talk to eachother before they will talk to me, they won't talk to you about anything but will happily chit chat away, ignoring you.

I tried to communicate, I tried to engage, I tried to make myself accepted. But nothing worked.

First of all, for those of you who have never heard of Singlish before, Singlish is a very hard sounding language. It is not English, but it is Singlish. The basic rule is to drop every word except the main key word and use the most simplest words possible. And some words are used in the context that is never used in any English speaking country. For example, the word "NEVER" is often and too often used in the wrong context. My boss came up to me and said

"Himawari, why you never clean up"

but what this really means is

"Himawari, you still haven't cleaned up the element after you used it" (which I used to cook lunch and missed a spot".

The word NEVER according to Oxford English dictionary, it means

adverb

1at no time in the past or future; not ever:

2not at all:

Which is same as my understanding of the English word never. But over here, is used too frequently in forms of "not yet" or "still have not" or just plain "didn't ". Another example being "Why you never wash?" which means "Why didn't you clean?". Although I am slowly learning Singlish wether to my liking or not, I still do get annoyed if someone stomps up at me and tells me "why you never clean up". I do clean up, and I did clean up, I just missed a spot. But does the words need to be so sharp tongued?

So anyway, apparently my colleagues thought that "Accepting" the difference is a good way to to go. So they just "accepted" my behaviour which may be normal to me but offensive to them, an and "accepted" any use of language they don't understand, and expected me to do the same. Well now the problem with this "accepting" is that the core is not solved at all. Because they "accept", I don't know that they don't understand, and even if I did know, if they give me responses like

"oh ok"

And end of story, I don't bother interacting after a while, coz I don't see the point in the end. They say I am too straight forward, and I say they wind the road so much that I just wanna say

"So what's your point?"

And we did exactly that tonight.

No yelling, no shouting, but pure honesty. And she feels so relieved that that she finally got to say it out loud, and I finally feel relieved that they do have a mouth to say anything.

It makes me laugh in a way that they thought I would feel "accepted" if they don't talk to me or talk back to me or feel happy if they just talk together very very friendly to eachother and boring plain manners to me. I wanted to engage to my colleagues in the ways of "all excuses excused". I do have a snarky sense of humor, and I don't show it at work, that's coz I know that with their english skills, they will take it as an offense,  or too much slang. That is my way of "accepting" them. I don't try and make things awkward. I don't rub them in my face that my English is better, or the fact that there is a better world out there, or the fact about how crap he life style is over here.

I don't know how many times I've told them to say what they want to say, or try and communicate if you want to have another view, and it took them bloody 11 months and an late night OT to the point they don't give a crap, and myself having 2 weeks left so they really don't give a crap about how ugly things will turn out at the end, to finally get some honest opinion. And it's so god damn easier to work now that we got everything down on the table.

I only wish that this happened back in May, when I first came back from Jakarta. Then maybe I would have liked Singapore a little more. I still absolutely hate the English here, and it sounds rude, but I could have gotten over that only if I had a good company.

"WHAT DO YOU WANT?" (How can I help?)
"WHY YOU NEED?" (how quickly do you need them?)
"YOU WANT OR NOT?" (would you like some?)
"ARGH? WHY YOU TAKE?" (Sorry, but this is for something/someone else)
"aGL)?!ete´®®˚µœø√ˆ©¥ƒ∂πP('(+Oæπø¥¡©N(&R#)'$U&??" (What ever they are saying in Mandarin)
*The capital letters are used, as they like to emphasize and say these words in the bluntest way possible in life

Singlish, I will hate you for life, but finally, 8 days before my last day of work, day 329 Since I started work, I finally feel like I can like my work.

Count Down Time Once Again

It's scary to think that I will be leaving this country in less than a month time. And only 2 weeks of working left. The latter, is going to be no more than a relief for sure.

So many thing has happened in this place.

Starting with something little like living in apartments for the first time in my life, and how excited I was when I came and felt quite comfortable that I was now living in a country where I am no longer a minority.

I definitely had some bad impressions of work from the first day. The director who does not even introduce or greet herself, and makes orders by moving her chin, just like how the higher authorities used to do to the servants and the slaves back in the day. I didn't even get  introduced fully to the staffs, and got expected to do everything myself.

Then the 2 month in Jakarta, how scared I was before I left and how much I loved the place by the time I left. It is the place where not the words but the heart of the people that made me love the place. ChikiHapi and the Mamas made me so so comfortable, taking me out to dancing and what not. Although that place is unsafe, dirty, and VERY unhygienic, I still prefer it than the life in Singapore. It has humanities that Singapore doesn't have.

When I came back, I had a vague hope that I will get on with other staff members better, now that I feel more relaxed about the work environment in general. But it didn't change anything. They still didn't want to accept me, or respect me. And it really didn't help me that I got forced into doing QC/QA despite my hatred against that role, for a whole 3 month. I didn't get talked to, or got invited to anything, can't even joke or talk in my normal speed coz nobody understands the accent, nor did they ask anything when they don't understand. I told them that I was going on a holiday, entering a competition, how things are different in Singapore when compared to NZ, but nobody wanted to ask or say anything more than "oh, ok". I forced myself to think that it was coz I was in the QC room the whole day that they don't talk to me, but hardly anything changed even after I returned to R&D. And not to forget those lonely lunchtimes when they would put my portion of food on my desk so I didn't really get the chance to join everyone else. And to be told that I am a loner, coz of my faults, I may appear strong on the outside but I still do get hurt. Looking back now, I still don't know how I could have done differently, and I don't think there was anything I could have done.

It has been a constant battle of my personal place of belonging the whole time I lived here. To re-state the person called myself. It was a cruciating battle to find a balance between being a "Japanese" but being a "kiwi" at the same time. The solution at the end was very simple, I am me, end of story. I knew too much about Japan and the culture and the life there to ignore when other people makes false statement about that place. Yet, I couldn't appreciate when people expect that I am no kiwi coz I look like an Asian and vice versa.

I appreciate everything that my parents did for us, and to think back how boring my life would have been if we had a "normal" life and never leaving Japan. I am still proud of my heritage, but 1 thing I have concluded out of this is that I am going to drop my Japanese citizenship when I return to NZ. I want to be a kiwi heart and soul.

 

I think Singapore is an extremely handy city to live. Not too expensive, and not too cheap, good transport and safety. Daddy asked me one day when I visited him

"what do you like about Singapore?"

I couldn't answer. But at the same time, I wouldn't have had much less things to say if he asked me

"what is it that you really don't like about Singapore?"

There is nothing in this place would be correct answer. No bright future, no big plans, but instead you can get the stable constant safe future. But that's not enough to satisfy me I guess.

I had my last dance at En Motion studio today. Despite how much I complain about the crap quality of the music, I still went there almost every month for the bachata nights. And some nights, I totally rocked the floor, including tonight. I'm glad there isn't much here that I'm going to miss. It makes my departure much easier.

Clean clear, and no regrets.

A scene like this is going to be the thing of a past soon. Something I've seen few times a week, and most definitely every weekend.

No more casual going out until midnight and catching public transport back. The late night busses and mrt has been rather useful, especially when I was coming back from another country. Oh how much I got lost at the beginning, but soon, everything will be about the past life and not the current. It is time to move along once again. But the thought of getting back into the inconvenient life gain, I can't wait for it.

People I love

Some people in my life made me cry,

Some people in my life made me laugh,

Some people in my life made me smile,

And some people I can never repay or be thankful enough for being my friend.

This is what I learnt in my 1 year in Singapore, and I will never forget.

Especially JJ, Poet, Daddy, Frenzi and MadScientist, they made me stronger when I was at my weakest. I know for sure that myself today would not exist without any of these amazing friends.

This year, I hope everything will be better and brighter, a new future. 1 year older and 1 year wiser.

May the year of 2012 be filled with joy and laughter for everyone I love.

Thank you to everyone for being my friend and continuing being my friend.