Christmas in Ho Chi Minh City

Well I'm currently in the Ho Chi Minh City, or also known as Saigon in Vietnam. The original plan was to come here with the CarribeanFrench, but he somehow didn't think to look up the visa requirements so he wasn't allowed to fly into the country!!

I originally thought this was going to be a rather lonely trip and was def more nervous about the safety of this place for sure, but so far everything has been pretty damn good except for being ripped off at the market by more than a bit!! But oh well, I guess it's a lesson for me NOT to shop too much!

I guess after exploring Singapore by myself continuously, I don't really mind doing stuff by myself anymore. And plus, there are enough travellers around to chat over dinner table anyway!

So yesterday was spent touring around the city in general, hitting the markets full of foreigners and also pick pocketers and ripping off merchants and begging children. I, for one did get ripped off for sure BIG time, and now I know to correctly remember the currency exchange next time I travel anywhere! But then saying that, even after going on a tour and all it's still proving to be pretty damn cheap. i mean I'm spending a lot more than I initially planned, but then I'm doing a lot more stuff and eating a lot more than I planned anyway lol.

I also saw a water puppet show last night, and it was much better than I expected for sure. I was thinking it was going to be a shitty run down on like at a lot of asian tourism places, but this was a very very well maintained and although I don't understand Vietnamese, I still understood the suttle comedy and all.

The city of HCMC has very little remnants from french occupancy as I've seen so far. But the biggest influence I saw so far is probably the amount of bread sold at even the street shops. I found 1 that was too tempting to pass by, and the service go as far as a shop attendee follows you around with a tray and gets all the bread for you. I felt like Ive become a royalty or something for sure! And the actual bread? A.M.A.Z.I.N.G. It's nice as the breads I actually ate over at France.

And now speaking of food, the only experience of Vietnamese food that I have is what was served at "Saigon" restaurant in Dunedin. Now tasting the actual Saigon food, I have to say it wasn't that bad back there considering you can't have the ingredients you can easily get over here. The most interesting meal that I've experienced is the plain 'pho'. They are mainly available in chicken or beef, and when you order them, they serve you a plate of mung beans and thai basil and some kinda chinese green vegetable. You put as much as you want in your soup, along with kaffire lime and chilli and just eat it up! And goodness sake they are good!! i've already had 3 bowls and this is only my second day. And also, you cannot forget the rice paper rolls. The ones they serve you over here is much thinner than the ones they sell in nz, and there was no need to pre-soak them. They come out dry and you wrap with whatever inside and then by the time you are ready to eat, it's softened enough from the moisture of the vegetables.

So enough about all my piggy eating and on about today. So today I booked a tour that I booked with my hotel (also not recommended as they are def charge you more than the local travel agents) which takes you to this place called Makeng, 140km away from HCMC. It was a nice cruise which was mainly on a boat taking through floating markets and then some small village house that make coconut candies, popped rice snacks, rice papers and rice wines. And then we went off to further up the river and transferring onto a old style 4 people seater boat for about 30min to a restaurant for lunch. i met a guy while I was on the tour, an Aussie guy who was on it by himself as his gf was rather unfortunate and got a stomach ache on day 2 in south east asia. And he turned out to be a brilliant company! We chatted along the way, and we had a chuckle over how there was old aunties selling pineapples as a snack. They cut it really nicely decorative and then cut them in 4's so you can bite into it like a corn cob (and was tastey!).  and he even payed all for the deep fried fish we shared for lunch as well! we've exchanged number so hopefully we can catch up for lunch tomorrow before I take off and x finger his gf is fine enough to come out! We got back to HCMC at about 7 and went for another bowl of pho for dinner. At the dinner table, I met another fortunate travellers who missed 2 flights coz

When I first arrived here, I was annoyed at the CarribeanFrench for stuffing up coz the whole point of coming over together was so I don't have to feel the loneliness on the christmas day. But at the end of the day, I haven't had the time to even feel it! Amazingly, Vietnam celebrate christmas big time, and according to the tour guy, they drink it up big time too. And you see these toddlers everywhere in santa costume. But maybe it's the thing with both Singapore and Dunedin, that if you stay, you're left behind there coz you don't have a family to go to or you are one of the few that lives in that city. I never liked the feeling of being 'left behind'. It makes me depressed more than I need to.

Anyway, I think this post is getting way too long for single post. And I've become rather healthy and sleeping rather early over here!

Anyway, good night and MERRY CHRISTMAS!!

I am definitely glad to say that this post is much more happier than the christmas post last year!

New Beginning

It's been a while since I last blogged. It is so hard to have some time to myself these days...

So I've handed in my resignation to my lovely work. Then I started to wonder whether it was too early to pull out my card. Because after I came back from my break, I truely was ok to get back into work again. But then 2 weeks on from being back at work, I think I've finally figured out my main cause of stress from living in Singapore.

CHINESE.

Not just any Chinese (Mandarin), but with Singaporean accent. I came to realisation that when the level (or percentage) of Chinese being spoken at work reaches this certain percentage, I start to get irritated. I used to only get this in the weekends or when I was with my friends before, I didn't like it when others start speaking in language I have no idea about and not being able to engage into conversations.  And how much I can not tolerate the sound of the accent. It sounds so stressful and pushy and fast and there is nothing relaxing about the tone of Singaporean Mandarin!

Now for the past week, one of the colleague was in Taiwan for family vacation, so the number of people in the lab became only 4. 2 Japanese (including myself), 1 Philippino, 1 Singaporean. So there was much much higher percentage of English being spoken at work, and how relaxing it was at work. Now that colleague is back (she's actually 1 of the senior), the boss and the manager somehow likes to come into the lab and forever chat, make noise, and distract for bloody long and be annoying as hell. When you are trying to work and there are people around you just trying to do everything to disturb you, it gets rather irritating. The whole day, I started feeling off again, and found myself counting down til Xmas, til the new years, til the end of work period.

I've realised how weak I am since I've been here. I though I could suck it up and keep on going, but then I guess 1 thing I will never do again is to move to another country of no plans to stay long term. I could have learnt chinese whilst I was here, but then like my previous posts, refusing myself to "adapt" or "settle in" to this country contributed to not wanting learn. I know my kiwi-ness will never go away, but I do wonder why I was trying to keep it so tight with me. I think there are few things I could have done to make myself comfortable living here, but it's really in the world of "what comes out at the end of the day?"

Living in NZ was perfect, I don't know why I ever wanted to leave that country. It had everything I wanted. I guess I was a little gold fish in a bowl that wanted to see the ocean.

Now the only thing I really look forward to is for that day, that I will return to NZ, to live in the country I love so much in the lifestyle that I love so much. Only if my parents would move back again, things will be just ever be so perfect.

My dear old friend MadScientist randomly  chatted to me the other night. Grumbling about how his silly little brother made a flight booking and mistaking am with pm. Every time I talk to him, I feel at home, we don't really talk about the big this and that type of thing, but everything is so casual. Actually, we do talk about big things like how he was in china the week before and over in Europe and this conference and that conference. But then no matter when I talk to him, I guess I have a trust in him that I will never fall apart with his friendship. Whether I talk to him every day or once a year, he is still there, in good old fashion style that will not change, no matter where he is in the world. I wish I was like him. I wish I was as strong as him and knew myself enough like him.

I'm slightly glad that I have let go a part of my dream. I didn't realise til now how much it was pressuring me until now. That one dream I was running towards for the past 6 years. It seems like such a long time, but I have absolutely no regret about letting it go. But I am more excited about going around the world. I know for sure that money really doesn't matter anymore. It is there to be used and to experience and not just save up forever.

I plan to make a trip of south east asia before I leave this part of the world and then off to Japan, which I hope to organise Visa to see rest of the world. Which I'm hoping strongly it will either be UK or Canada. But I will see how this road will lead me.

This chapter called Asian Experience was rather short, but it has taught me many many things. And I'm just ready for a new chapter once again.

Day 5

I guess there is something more than a bit wrong with me when I reach the point I cant taste anything. Salty, sweet, good, bad, to the point when I start to get sick and throwing up what I ate, yet I want to eat. I won't say I'm anorexic, but it's more like me wanting to get some kinda satisfaction and keep on eating even if I'm full.

Food for me means too much, I love eating, and it's annoying when I'm not satisfied with what I eat. So I end up trying to eat anything and everything to see if I can get that satisfaction. But the truth is, nothing will give me that satisfaction.

But the one that I run to the most it this.

Yes, CAKES.

Whether it's good or bad, I just eat it. Now in case you're wondering, no, I didn't eat them all at one go. But I was preparing myself to be an absolute snob tomorrow and lock myself in so it's more the 2 days supply.

For the past 5 days, I had a visitor crashing on my floor, and it was possibly the worst visitor I had in my whole life. It's been a long time since I shared my room with someone else, but then sharing it with someone that can't entertain themselves for even 5 min or will stare and watch you do anything and everything and not wanting to do anything in particular is rather a torture. And what did I want?

MOMENT OF PEACE.

All I wanted over this week was to be an absolute snob and not do anything, and he just got in the way.

On top, he've changed so much since 2 years a go when I actually did know him to the point I'm too embarrassed to introduce him as my friend to other people.

Now living in Asia is not easy for Japanese. No matter where you go, you know there will be people who do not even want to hear the word Japanese, and I understand it. But I don't understand the mentality of a guy who wants to go to all the war monuments and museum which will always display the story of how vicious and cruel Japanese was when they invaded the country, and honour the bravery of the men who fought against them and battled til their last breath. I'm not in denial about the history, it did happen and I know it was my people who did it. But then what can I do? I can say I'm sorry but to whom? History definitely needs to be taught so the same story won't be repeated again. But everyone at the time of war thinks they are doing the right thing for their country. It is not the soliders or the civilians who should take the blame, it is the power of the people above who decides to start the war that should die. But they are always the one that survives at the end. They brainwash the people below that the "enemy is evil, and should not survive". It is only the people that decides who is right and who is not.

I hate the war, I'm more than slightly anti about military used for any other purpose than for rescue. But then again, who decides what is right and what is not? even if the soldiers are sent to "protect" or "help" the coup in another country for instance, why is the person who is being attacked is the "good" person and people involved in coup is the "bad" person. It is the matter of "majority rules" in this world.

Just like the battle that I'm currently in.

Anyway, the point is having a person messing with my mind while I have enough on mind was just the biggest pain in my life. I now have 4 days left. I know I will be writing a resignation letter and I need to chill. I hope the next few days is going to be full of nothing.....

Day 4

I didn't realise til now that having a bad company is worse than having no company.

All I want is my own time. I don't want anyone to try and analyze me or understand me. I know what I need to do, but I need to be alone.

I turned my skype on to talk to my mum today and chickened out when I saw my colleagues online. I feel as though the silent existence of them is putting the guilt attack on me.

I still don't know how to tell my parents. I know they will be fine with it, and it's only me that has a problem, but I don't like to let them down or be worried over me. I want to stay as their proud daughter.

I thought I was slowly getting back onto my feet, but I can feel myself shaking by just looking at colleague's names, I don't know how I'll face them when I see them again.

Day2

I'm already lost.

I feel like I need to work and keep on waking up at 7.30am.....

And the week haven't even started yet, it's a Sunday.

7 days to go.

F****D it up BIG Time

When I woke up this morning, I was tempted to take an MC. Why? coz I was mentally and physically not recovered from over working the week before. And I had a feeling I'll f**k something up if I go to work like this.

And I did.

I already f****d up big time last week x2, and again on Monday, when people I guess should be refreshed from having a break over the weekend. But when you are at the workplace where you are not allowed to go home because everyone else is working, and you are expected to work late to "help" others if they are still working, then things really start to get out of hand. We should be able to choose how we work the best, but there is only 1 right way at my work at the moment.

I like to go home on time, so next day, I come to work refreshed, not dragging myself to it coz I have to.

I'm supposed to be working harder than ever this month and next, so I can get a tracked record of being a "good" employee. But doing the opposite at the moment. It even got to the point when my boss told me she can't keep me if I keep on f***ing up like this. In the very asian manner that is, a really long lecture that you gotta read what the point of the story is.

People def lose concentration when you're tired, and I'm at that point. It's not very often for me to be out of energy to the point I don't want to talk to anyone. And I've hit that point now. I just wanna sleep all day, spend the day in the sun, or be in the arm of a loved one, but I get none. And it's time like this I have to have a visitor, so I can't even have my own time in the weekend. And next weekend there will be another, and the weekend to follow... yeah lucky me aye.

I think MC'S should be granted to those who have mental problems, coz I would def qualify for that right now.

More Selfish Day By Day

I wish I could just call you just coz I felt like it.

I always have to stop myself to tell myself that no, I am not his girlfriend.

Is it just me that thinks I need to draw a line? There is part of me that if I keep on trying, then I will reach there at the end of the day.

And there is part of me that tells me that if I do that, then he will run away.

Why is things so much more complicated as we grow older?

Why can't we just do it coz I want to?

I'm on the waiting side, waiting, and waiting every day.

Poet asked me one day "can't you just txt him and ask? doesn't he let you know if he can't be online tonight??" It's coz we never have a promise, it's not that we have a set time to catch up. This is the thing that sux most about internet. You get to know too much about what the other person is up to especially on social network like facebook. Back in the days, when we only used landline phones to catch up with people, all you had to do was to call them and then if they are home, you can talk, when they don't pick up, it means they're out. You don't have to feel like you're being ignored coz you know that "x min ago, he/she was online, but didn't bother chatting to you".

I am such a crying baby, while I had a really great time over the weekend, all I thought was how I can tell this news to you. And now that I can't, I feel like just picking up the phone to call you just to say good night, coz I know you were at least awake and on net 3min a go..... (and I love you internet for crashing at the right timing).

I'm so deprived of you.

Obsession.

Enough said.

The Love Game

You know you want it, but you don't wanna show it.

Guys always want the things that are harder to get.

I tried to be a snob tonight, and waited for you to contact me instead of me trying to catch you for change. I just wanted to see that you weren't trying to avoid me or feeling awkward. And I got sad when I knew that you were online but didn't talk to me.

Until I got an email.

Turns out he was looking for me, but internet decided to hide me so he thought I was out.

I'm struggling to live only being able to talk 1 night a week. Although you send me an email almost every single morning.

I remember starting off like this when I was still in Jakarta. When the only time it suited us was Monday nights. And the unstable internet connection limiting our dates constantly.

Compared to back then, I can't complain about it. You send me messages constantly, and close enough to have a marvelous time when I visited. You care for me in the way that I want you to. But I'm still being greedy.

Will I be happy if I get what I want in the end?

I hope so, coz I don't want to be a bitch.

I'm a me monster. You already fill my life, but I want to fill your life too.

Back to Zero Again

I was starting to like living in Singapore, life over here in general. Having good company, having a challenging job, having a good hobby like traveling.

But I'm not so sure again.

I had a marvelous time in Korea. It's true that it was a very short time, but I should be glad it was so short, coz it would have made it harder if it was longer.

Until I got there, I kept going over and over and over about the moment when I see you. And when I finally got to see you, you didn't fail to beat my expectation. We hugged, and hugged and smiled at each other like we've been separated for decades. We met up at his work, I had to wait for 30min before his final class finished. While I waited, the girls at the reception told me how much Daddy was looking forward to my visit, and how jittery he's been all day. It made me smile.

We went for very late night shopping to make some supper, I can't explain the hilarity of this tall Daddy Long Legs standing in the tiny Asian kitchen, trying to cook. And it even get's better as the dinner was ready - he brought out the fold out table!!! Oh the small things that makes me laugh. We spent til the late hours of the morning talking to each other, even the weekly skype catch up wasn't enough to make us run out of things to talk. But we did eventually fell asleep into each other's arms.

The weekend just flew passed, we just cherished each other's company. We laughed, we talked, we danced. Nothing was that special, but doing something together just made it special. Being in the area where he spends his time. Being in the room that he relaxes. Being in the city that he lives in, every little thing made it special.

We held to each other until we had to separate. Even if we have a same feeling, there are something things in life that it can't work. And you just need to accept it. And whether I like it or not, this is one of them. As Daddy and myself always say "something are just meant to happen". Another words, if we are meant to be together, we will be together one day, but if we aren't meant to be together, then I'll just need to keep on walking, just like I've done til now.

But ever since I've been back in Singapore, it's hitting me again. The endless feeling of loneliness. I have good friends, I have a pretty good work. I have a roof over my head and stable income. What else should I ask for? But I can't help it to miss home. I miss my family and miss my friends. I've managed to ignore the loneliness of not having someone in bed, having to eat dinner alone, going out to shopping alone, moving on in life with my own two feet. But it doesn't take much to bring me down.

I don't want to be reliant on you, coz it's not fair. I've seen and experienced how the life treats you over in your country, yet you still appreciate your experience, and tells me how much you like Korea. I admire your strength. I know I can't do the same if I was in your position. You make me feel like a whining baby, screaming for nothing. I always wish for things that I do not have. A big heart like yours.

I shouldn't be complaining, I chose this life. I can end it any day if I want to. I know I can, but really, can I?

I just need to get back into the rhythm again and kill my feelings I think. It's the only way for me to keep on moving. I know I can do this.

The Table

This is a story I happened to find on my laptop. I vaguely recall writing this aaaaages a go, and totally forgot about it. 


A dinner table is where the family gather.

A dinner table is where people talk about their day.

A dinner table is where a couple share their words of love.

A dinner table is where I look up and find you smiling at me.

" I know that you already know, but I want to say it again and again. Thank you so much for the food, you don't know how much I missed it while I was away".

That's what he said when he came back from a 2 week long business trip.  A trip that he was so busy that he didn't even have a time to call me.

He even seems to be a shade darker than when he left the door 2 weeks a go....

He said those words, with the same lips that kisses me.

He said those words, with the same lips that whispers the words of love to me.

He said those words, with the same lips that crawled over another woman.

He said those words, with the same lips that lied to me.

That's what he said,

that's what he said,

that's what he said......

Still, I wait for him to come back through the doors and join my table.


I smile back at him as I look back up.

"Ofcourse hun, it's filled with everything you love".

There he sat, the same place where his mistress was 2 hours a go. Slowly indulging his meal, piece by piece....

"You can't beat  the fresh produce I gather for you, you know".

Beginning And The End

Ever since I booked the ticket to go and see you, my mind has been all about you. What we are going to do, what we can do.

I think so much about what will happen when we finally see each other again. Are you going to smile to me with those boy-ish eyes? or are you going to pick me up and give me a big cuddle hug? or are you going to ask for kisses like you used to?

Which ever it is, I'm just excited that I can see you, not over camera but in person.  But at the same time, I have the sad truth that this meet up is not going to last forever. Like any beginning to a story, there has to be an end, one way or another. It's just that the ending comes very very quick this time. although I try not to think about it, I know I won't be able to hide my tears after spending time together in person again.

There is part of me that wants to keep the way were are, the way we were. Our weekly skype dates, not just 1 but 2-3 times a week, adventures in the weekend then catch up again when the week begins. The thrills and the stress of being in another country, and comfort and support we've been giving each other this whole time. But I want to say something to you that I've been wanting to say for a quite some time.  Would that ruin this comfort that I have now? I don't know, but I want you to know.

I am not worried about not changing, but I am scared about losing what we have now.

I'm just hoping for an happy ever after rather than tragedy. Will you accept me? I guess only the heaven will know....

Thank You

There are few people in my life that definitely made a big influence in my life. And Poet, you're definitely one of them.

I loved the way you danced right from the first time we danced (well, practically speaking, it was the second coz you don't remember our 1st time!), and I have never ever though I'd be dancing crazy like now when we met.

You taught me so many things, especially bachata and cuban salsa. You were so passionate back then, and everyone admired your passion too, and I was def one of them.

The existence and the relationship between dance partners are hard to explain to people who are not a dancer themselves. Dance partners does not have to be a relationship or life partner, but it needs to be someone you can trust, someone you can freely share an opinion with and comfortable with, someone you flow well with, and most importantly someone who you feel a chemistry with.

There is no doubt that I have danced with many many people up til now. But every time I did, and come back and dance with you, I always felt so much better and so comfortable in your lead, and appreciated the fact that you are my dance partner.  It was not just about liking the way you moved, but when we danced together, 1+1 became 3, we were able to BURN the floor.

You were one special dance partner. I didn't had to tell you to do anything, you almost read my mind. You flowed the way I wanted you to flow. Although our difference in taste of music were sometimes questionable, at the end of the day, we had one heck of a dance together in the past 12 months that I've known you.

Have you realised Poet? this weekend actually marked our 12 months of our dancing life. We had our first blast at your brother's birthday, the 1st Friday of October 2010.  Your siblings told me so much about this "dancing addicted brother" they have, over so many years, and I only finally met you for the first time in my final year in Dunedin, and our final year in New Zealand. It was definitely a pure luck that I found a job which happened to be in Singapore, and we even managed to compete together in this funny country.

I just want to thank you so much for everything you have given me til today. Your dancing shoes may be put on hold for now, but I'm going to keep on moving. I still wish that you could keep on moving with me, and forever if it was ever possible, but I guess it is time that "we" are no longer going to be "we".  Whatever your future holds, keep on moving, and I'll be waiting for you, on the dance floor if you ever decide to put your shoes back on again.

Love you lots, and will miss you loads, I know we will see each other still, but I won't pester you for dancing again. But IF, IF you ever do want to, you know where I will be. On the dance floor, dreaming of the days that I burnt the floor with you.

This song is forever yours.

~Hay Amores by Daniel Santacruz

Things To Do List

Alright, I tend to think I know what I want and where I am going waaaaay too much more than I ACTUALLY know. And also, I also have this tendency that I figure out my position and where I stand while I talk to someone. I know, I'm just good at looking like I standing on my left two feet.

So this week was the fist week I ACTUALLY worked. It sounds pretty stupid that after a whole 7 moths that I'm finally standing on my starting line. I'm at the point of challenge that I was faced with in the chocolate factory days after a whole 7 months.

My boss at the chocolate factory used to tell me "a graduate will take half a year to train, but an experienced will take 2 moths". And guess what happened? I didn't take not only 6 month but 7 instead. It is true that my 4 months was completely wasted on QC, and I know in my mind that QC is utterly important, and it is something that someone has to do keep our trust between our business partners and us. But it's just not my thing, and that 4 months as a QC was just a WASTE. You can call it as an "experience" but it's not something I aim for or enjoy, therefore a WASTE.  And work does dominate like 80% of our lives whether we like it or not. And coz of that, it is important to like or find a point in what we do every day.

So pretty much put everything aside, I am back to month 3 of my work, and I'm FINALLY doing what I wanted to do, and doing a job which I left my loving home for. I don't want to cry about my work anymore. I want to make a mark on this country and leave. I know for a fact that this job I currently have will help me in my future career, and I'm on the stepping ladder.

So here is my things to do list before I leave this country
1. Be a professional business partner. It is not YOUR customer, but OUR business partner. I need to build a bridge of communication that everyone does not have. You provide me with the direct information of the market, and WE are going to make this happen.
2. Make a seasoning that hit the market.  So I know that I am NOT a loser, and I rely on my data, not what I like, or what I think it's the best, but what the market wants. To show that this is my CAREER, not my hobby. Nobody gives a crap what I like, but this is all about making something that sells.
3. My deadline is 1 year, if not a half.  Mr Bonus, you better watch it, coz I'm giving you all I got even if that means I have absolutely no life.

Shit work place? that's beside the point, I know I am a strong person, and I've been a wimp til now, but I'm back on my two feet, and I AM GOING TO DO THIS. France is my next stop and this is just an obstacle, but in the long time, it will be one of my step. So goodbye my life, and hello my work-a-holic presence.

So That's What I Told Her.....

So the classic question you use to avoid awkward conversations.

"I have a good news and a bad news. Do you want to hear the good news first or the bad news first?"

I told her about my termination of probation and the promotion to my executive role, and the crap that goes with it. 2nd day into my role, I already felt like running into the other direction.

Then I told her the ACTUAL news that I wasn't too sure how to tell her.

Yeah, sorry mother, I'm not coming back to Japan for a wee holiday til next year, but I'm going somewhere that takes equally mid distance and costs about the same amount.

But although that may be a bad news for you, it can't be any better than that for me.

I'm counting down..... 22 days to go.....

Dream Come True

Even on the dullest days,

The thought of being in your arms makes me smile.

But I don't have to think about it anymore,

Because it'ss finally going to come true!!

We've had the talk for so long, and it seemed like it was going to end in a "dream".

But this is it, I finally get to hold you and be held by you in person.

Let the count down begin.....

Past

It is always weird meeting new people that knows my past.  Although I am not that fussed about it anymore, it still makes me feel like I have to behave myself just in case the stories get to your ears.

I like my memories of you at the end, but it's not all about fun too, like any relationship.

I like to leave my memories how it is, it is in a beautiful frame, hanged and untouched, and it should be left that way.

Why does it feel like a sin to talk about your lost loved ones? You still made a mark on my life in a good way and a bad way. And it will be a lie that if I ever tell anyone about you, it is only about a positive matter.

I still remember your last words.

"You keep on moving, and live your life. I want to see you achieving your dream. Stay proud of who you are, and remember that you are 1 special person, and never ever change".

When I meet people who are still in contact with you, or is possible to be in touch with you, I feel the need to prove to them that I am still living proud, so if you ever ask, they can tell you that you can be proud of me, with or without you.

I'm definitely not trying to be a bitch saying "I'm better off without you", but I want you to feel that it was the right choice that we broke up. I know you are the one who made the decision in the end, but if having my dream is the cause of our failure, then it is only I to blame.  But because "we" no longer happens, I want you to know that you made a right choice for me.

Shit happens in this world, but this shit, it was definitely meant to happen.

Calling it Quits

It's not an idea, but it's a final world.

QUITS

I thought we had a pretty good understanding, but I should have known this was coming. You never looked back twice about suddenly dropping what you loved so much.

AND IT HURTS

It hurts more than a relationship breakup.



I CANNOT ACHIEVE WHAT I HAVE WITHOUT YOU


YOU BROUGHT ME INTO THIS WORLD


BUT NOW YOU ARE LEAVING ME BY MYSELF IN THIS WORLD


I wish you never did, then it wouldn't have hurt so much. Back in the days, I used to feel like we can win anything dancing with you.  And I still do, but I don't know what you think. But do I know anything about you anymore? Am I even considered as your friend anymore?  I know, I'm not your girlfriend and I don't care about that. I just have no idea about who you are anymore. You only show your surface, and not what's underneath it.


Congrats,

You've fully adapted into Singapore.

Idols

I always thought it was so bizarre how american people seems to have strong opinion about people being a "role model" or an "idol" for younger generations. 

I used to think 

"you know what, that's call just being influenced without thinking so you don't have to think for yourself"

But I think I have an idol now too.  Her name is Jo Quinones, aka Bachata Princess, this dynamic lady right here.

I took a private lesson with her and he equally amazing partner Vince Torres, and I have absolutely no regrets.  She is so gorgeous, so dynamite, and I will admit, I have a crush on her!! (Yes daddy, shush, I know!).  I got an email from her today, in reply to my thank you letter that I sent to her the other day. And it totally melted my heart, and kept me happy all day.

I like the fact that latin dancing can be practiced by yourself too, whereas with Ceroc, it's more than a bit difficult. And right now, I want to be dancing every minute that I can see my reflection all the stuff she has taught me. The balance, the weight, the lines, everything.  She told me that me and Poet must send her a clip of new and dazzled version of our routine within a month to see our progress. And WOW that's more than a motivation for sure!!!!! every time I'm dancing, there is part of me who is thinking in my head, "I wanna get better so I can show Jo that she can really influence on someone's life!!"  I want to maker her feel proud, I want to make her feel that she is AWESOME.  And if I can have even 5% of the hotness that she has, I'll be all over the place!!!!!

Jo Quinones, you have taken my heart away!!!!  

Dance Dance Dance!

My heart is beating to the to the music

My feet is pounding to the beat

My soul is shouting at me to dance

Should I? or should I not? you are part of me, and I am part of you. The music is my blood.

I don't have to stop dancing, but I need to restrict myself. But how do I free myself without the dances I love, the music I love, and the people I loved.

Why do I dance? I do def care about how I appeal when I dance, but at the end of the day, it is only me who really cares how I dance or not.  The more I practice, and more I can move.  The more I can move, the more I can share my feelings.  My dancing is like my naked self.  Maybe I just want to tell people how I feel about the music? I don't know. All I know is that I love dancing, especially bachata.

I will put my shoes down for now, like I've told myself.  But I will not stop dancing in my heart. I will come back to you dancing feet, just wait for me, coz I will, I promise....

Where are you?

"Ooh I need your love babe,
Guess you know it's true.
Hope you need my love babe,
Just like I need you,Ooo.

Hold me, love me, hold me, love me.
I ain't got nothin' but love babe,
Eight days a week.

Love you ev'ry day girl,
Always on my mind.
One thing I can say girl,
Love you all the time,ooh


Hold me, love me, hold me, love me.
I ain't got nothin' but love girl,
Eight days a week.

Eight days a week
I love you.
Eight days a week
Is not enough to show I care.

Ooh I need your love babe,
Guess you know it's true.
Hope you need my love babe,
Just like I need you.

Hold me, love me, hold me, love me.
I ain't got nothin' but love babe,
Eight days a week.

Eight days a week
I love you.
Eight days a week
Is not enough to show I care.

Love you ev'ry day girl,
Always on my mind.
One thing I can say girl,
Love you all the time.

Hold me, love me, hold me, love me.
I ain't got nothin' but love babe,
Eight days a week,
Eight days a week,
Eight days a week"


~THE BEATLES, EIGHT DAYS A WEEK


If there is a person out there who cares for me like this, please come out, coz I'm sick of waiting...

Happy Birthday

Happy birthday you.

It's been a full 3 years since I last celebrated your birthday, and now you're in the last year of the 20's.

I don't want to spoil your day by personally giving you a birthday wishes, so I will wish it for you here that  you will have a great year, full of joy and happiness, and that your family will also stay well and safe.

Happy Birthday, and I hope you actually are happy.

Girl Friends

You know, my closest friends back in NZ are mainly guys (don't be offended JJ, you still beat them all!!), I like their straight honesty and stupid sense of humor and their activeness.

But then since I've met Frenzi, I've re-learnt the meaning of girlfriends. There is something about girls that guys cannot satisfy, but then saying that, a girl who is wacky enough to do the crazy adventures and spontaneous decisions are pretty damn hard to find. I mean, how many people besides me prefer a bungalow over a clean well maintained resort?

It is true that we've only met each other 3 months a go, but it feels like we've known for a lot longer for sure. But having a girlfriend to go to shopping with (not to a blingy brands fancy stores, but markets), and picnic with, AND a night over trip with? I def hit the jackpot of the forum community.

At our last dinner on Sunday, she asked me

"Do you think you'll find someone again on the forum??"


Me: I dunno.

The chance of meeting someone like Frenzi seems so faint, and I'm not too sure if i have enough energy to go through that selection process again. I mean come on, how many people even back home do you meet that you want to do everything with???!!!!

I absoloutely wished that her contract will be extended again, but it didn't.  But then I'm happy for her that she's returning to her loved ones again.  I will miss you loads, and looking forward to seeing you again.

Chapter 1 of our story may have put a period on the end, but chapter 2 will begin very soon.  Gonna miss you Frenzi, and au revoir til we meet again..... xox

Late night blog.....

Sometimes I feel like blogging at the most unsuitable time.... like now!

It's already past 1am, and I should really be sleeping but I feel like writing.

About what is a good question.

For once I'm not in a mood to write about how depressing I am.

Maybe a little something about Daddy?? yeah, that sounds about right.  I'm in a bit of a girly mood.

Well, first of all, I like his smiles.... it's as if there is nothing wrong with life.  He always makes the best of the worst situation, and puts a smile on your face.

And also, I love the fact that he doesn't find anything I care for useless or stupid.  Sometimes I laugh at myself for caring for those things, but he tells me it's ok to keep it close to me.

You know that he cares for you and and it's always the greatest feeling to be loved.  Even if he is 4669.27km away from me, I feel like I'm snuggling when I'm talking to him on our weekly skype session.

Oh yeah, I forgot that you actually have a link to this blog.  If you are reading this, I just wanna tell you that you're the BESTEST FRIEND EVER!!!! And love you long time! xox

Love you lots Daddy!!

Its good to wake up in the morning (well almost afternoon for me today) and you know that you woke up from the right side of the bed.

Now in a way, having one of these morning in the weekend is bad coz I used to be in the situation when I was working at restaurant and was so stressed to the point that I only felt good in the weekend. It even got to the point that I even had less bags under my eyes in the weekend, and actually had natural smiles on my face. I will admit that I'm not the best person with handling stress, I get pissy at too many little things, rather than just letting it slide.

The last few days had been really hard on me again, just without any warning. But my lovely mentor friend Daddy-long-legs (or just Daddy to save the line) came to rescue at times like that. He never fails to put a smile on my face, and everything about him is just so so adorable. I wish he was here to hug as well and it would make things perfect! But I guess I shouldn't be too greedy. He already gives me everything that I need to get through in this country.

I was talking to lovely Yas last night. She was a colleague at the chocolate factory who was on a same boat as me. She didn't get her contract extended either and got terminated. Except she took this opportunity to go on the biggest OE of her life, travelling right across Europe.  She asked me

"How are you?? How is the life in Singapore??"

I told her the truth, about how much of a dream shambler it was. Then she said to me

"Get outa there, leave the county, go and explore!! Life is too short and youth is even shorter!"

I knew she was right, but I gave her all these excuses why I can't leave yet.  I made a deadline of another year and a half in Singapore. I think I can handle that length of time as long as I know that I won’t be here for rest of my life. But an idea did pop into my brain. I'll job hunt, I'll do it actively now, so if there is an opportunity, I can leave. Despite how much I like the ocean and traveling I can do around here, it doesn't worth it to stay.

Europe, you better watch out coz I'm all in for you!

Hold me tight

I don't need a man in my life, I've been telling myself that for the past few years. in fact, that statement is quite true most of the tine. It's easier to avoid things that may hurt me. I guess I'm afraid of falling in love again a bit.

But then on days like today, when everything in the world seems like crap, I wish I had someone to hold me and comfort me. Thing called skin-ship is a miraculous medicine. Just a friend hug is great too, but being in arms of a person and being showered with kisses, I miss all that.

I was over on the Pulau Bintan last weekend, and we stayed at a beautiful bungalow built over the water. Myself and Frenzi spent quite a bit of time on the patio also built over the water, talking about stars that was falling above us. It was a miraculous night and totally loved it. But at the same time, I wished that Jack was there, I know he would have loved to bachata under the stars, it was just so perfect for late night bachatas. I miss the way me and Jack used to dance together in late hours of the night. All we needed was a quiet music and silence to surround us. I was so satisfied back then. Me and Poet has been choreographing to "Stand by me" by Prince Royce for the competition coming up in Sept, but it's not the same. The song is same, and the love for bachata is still there, but that miracle connection and attraction for one another is not there. I miss having a person like that.....

Dream

The other night, I had a bit of a doze off on the bus, and dreamt about my mother, calling my name.

I can't explain devastation I had when I woke up, on the cold bus surrounded by silent people and the glowing dim light of the bus.....

But then I just realised today, I actually haven't been dreaming at all since I've left NZ.  My father used to say, having a dream is not always a good thing coz scientifically speaking, your brain is still active and not getting a proper sleep.  But then I'm surprised that I'm not having any dreams with all the worries and stress I have over here. Either that or I'm getting too old to remember what I dreamed??

I used to like seeing dreams.  I was excited to go to bed, although sometimes woke up screaming with nightmares.  And there is also sometimes I dream and don't know if it really happened or if it was just a dream.

The life now seems like like I'm in a dream coz nothing feels that real.  But then what ensure you that this is real life and it's not just a dream?? I may wake up one day realizing that I was only trapped in matrix for 25 years of my life..... meh who knows

Past Is A Past BecauseYou Can't Change It....

I can't help it to miss you.

It is a past and it is a memory, but I still look for your existence.

I wish every moment in my life that I was in your arms again....

I need to sleep, I want to sleep but I can't get to sleep.....

Yup, it's one of those nights!!

I actually fell asleep at about 9pm tonight for about 40min, which was probably the reason why I can't sleep right now. And it is a tad a bit hotter than usual.

I once wrote a blog about "Settling in Singapore" but then decided not to actually post it coz it was depressing.  I was just in denial about the fact that I am now in Singapore, not New Zealand, and this is now my new home.

But I don't mind it anymore. 

In fact, I'm starting to enjoy my life again.  The only thing that changed over the past couple of weeks is the fact that I moved to a new place, and now have my own space, own time, own everything.  AND I LOVE IT.

I'm happy to the point that I'm dancing with all the music I hear.

I'm happy to the point I'm looking forward to waking up each morning.

I'm happy to the point that I want to explore outside.

I'm happy to the point that i want to meet more people.

I THINK I'M FINALLY SETTLED IN

TCM to the core

I'm sick.

Sick to the point that I don't think I can get out of my bed sick.

For the last 2 days, panadol has been my absolute best friend. My provation contract tells me that I'm not allowed to take a sick leave, so I got no choice to work.  But yes, a coughing cold/flu in a food company, testing micro.... yeah that's a good combination alright! And also, to even take 1 day of sick leave, I have to go to the doctors.  Now come on, it's only 1 flipping day!! and I'm sure your cold will get worse if you go out and wait and wait and wait to see a doctor instead of staying at home and resting!

But yes, I think I learnt that panadol will definitely get rid of your headache and fever alright, but instead, it worsened my back pain, which in Traditional Chinese Medicine (TCM) term, it's called "cooling the body" I mean, it's taking heat away from body so yeah, that was expected but man the pain! But yeah, anyhow, work is work, I had to do it.

So it's Saturday today, and it's the first weekend in my new home and I can't furnish my place or go and shop for things I need yet.  Fun times.

The only down side to TCM is that you need to make it yourself.  They provide you with this mixture of herbs, but at the end of the day, you have to cook it down into a medicine, and I had 1 problem: I HAVE NO COOKING TOOLS.  I was allowed to use the pots in the kitchen, but I haven't used the kitchen yet, and don't even know how to use the stuff there. And here I am, sick as hell.  And secondly, I have no measuring cup.

I called dad for SOS, and hoped that he will subscribe me with a med that doesn't require making (i.e. powder or granule form), but that was not the choice.  And got mocked for not even having a ruler with me so at least I can make an estimation of the volume of mug cups in the house.  But then saying that, why do you carry around a ruler with you??? I have a pen and paper, what else do i need? Things called laptop and cell phones do too much job these days I guess.

But yes, after searching the house from top to bottom, I found...... A RICE CUP!!!! with measurements!!!  So there I was, cooking the medicine away, and the best part: you even start to feel better by taking in the fumes while making it.  Especially if your cold involves headache and coughs. And after actually taking it??? I haven't felt this better in last 3 days!!

So the lesson to be learnt: Stick to what you life has been provided with for the past 24 years, and you won't go wrong with it.

Anyway, this blog is so all over the place, but I don't care. As I said, I'm sick.

Being ungraceful

It is great when someone gives you a hand to help you, and I will be grateful for.

But sometimes, enough is enough.  I don't like being told:

When to shower
When to brush my teeth
What to do in my weekend
Get a lecture about my life and/or love life
Get a lecture on how to work
And everything!!


Living with people that is not your family is def the hardest thing to do.  But if you do, you have to respect eachother for the fact that each person is INDIVIDUAL.

I will do my chores, but why do you need to decide for me when to do it? I don't like wasting my morning watching TV with beer in one hand wasting my time.  Yet you tell me I didn't do my chores coz I went out since you didn't want to do it!

I'm tired from work, I'm hating my current work, I'm already getting told off every day at work.  I don't want to come home and be told about the fact that we got home late.

WE KNOW

I don't want to hear you complain about you doing our laundries, coz

I DIDN'T ASK YOU TO

You may be about my father's age, but

I AM NOT YOUR DAUGHTER


You can boss her around coz she is your girlfriend, you know her much better than you know me

BUT I AM NOT YOUR GIRLFRIEND

It is definitely time for me to find my own home....

Looking for the stars

I'm looking for the stars that I don't see

I'm looking for the stars that is supposed to be there.

But all I see is the city lights

And all I hear is the sound of over speeding cabs

It's past midnight, although it's a sat night, you'd think there would be some kinda peace but no.

There is nothing wrong with this country, but there is something wrong with me.

I miss the humanities and the warmth of the people.

I said I'll get there no matter whatever it takes, but living the life knowing it's not where I belong, it sux. Give me 2-3 years, I'm getting out of here.

Other me

Slowly, I see the other me appear, part by part....

first I see the face.... 


and the cheeks..... 


forehead and nose.....


then the eye lids....


lashes......


eye brows......


the lip.....

As I close my eye and open again, I see the other me staring back at me.  So I smile at her, and tell her that she looks beautiful tonight.

Then I sit in front of my laptop and continue watching the unfinished dvd...... in my baggy t-shirt and pj bottom, and a cup of hot tea in one hand, biscuit on the other.

Boss Femme - Hugo Boss

*Please Note*

For those of you who don't know me, the notes mentioned on these perfume entries are fully my personal opinions. I am not a trained perfumer so I could be completely wrong.... 

I met this perfume quite a while back, although there are hardly any similarities between me and EuroTraining beside stubbornness, one of thing we did have in common was the love for perfumes. There were quite a few perfume sale in Dunedin, and it was SO hard not to be tempted to buy each time there was one, although I already had a few at home! This one was originally brought for Xmas 2008 for EuroTraining's sister's present. It really helps that both him and I had a really similar taste in perfumes. In fact, I don't think there was many that we disagreed on, and there was no fight when we found "the one".  Although this was launched in 2006 and not the "top of the line" perfumes, I think when it comes to picking perfumes, I don't think there is such thing as being too "old".  There may be various perfumes launched every year and in "high fashion", like clothing, good perfume will always maintain as a good perfume no matter how old it is. Take Chanel No.5 for example, still the high roller although it was launched in 1921, and still being sold every thirty seconds.

This perfume, was a random bottle I picked up after seeing the cute pink solution within the simple exquisite  bottle design. One of my favourite perfume that EuroTraining used to wear was "Boss No.6" by Hugo Boss, released in 1996. He only used it when we first got together as he had hardly any left in the bottle, but whenever there was a "special" occasion, I always begged him to put it on - that's how much I loved it.  And this little bottle is for me, is a female version of "Boss No.6". 

It still resembles the musculine note like musk,lemon and woody base note, yet the warmth from jasmin, rose, white lilly, red currant and apricot. Especially on the mid-note and base note is just so so so so divine. Although the top note is quite strong and resembles me the scent of women putting on puffs in refreshment rooms, the base note  around after 1-2 hour after application is my utter favourite - it makes me feel like being wrapped in arms of a very sexy man. 

If "Boss No.6" is a sexy man in tuxedo, this is a dark wavy mid-length blond woman in a satin champagne strapless full length dress, holding a glass of pink champagne poured into a flute. Or perhaps champagne with a drop of fresh raspberry?  Well, either way, that's how sexy both of these perfume are. Yet, it's not too classy that you only can wear at certain special occasions; although I do prefer to wear this from late spring and summer evening especially on a warm night, but it definitely can be warn quite casually. 

The funny thing is, although I find this perfume very synchronising with "Boss No.6", I prefer to wear this when I'm single, and fully enjoying the fact that I'm single, rather than wearing it together as a couple.  But if I was on an outing with my girls, and meet a man that wears the other half of me, I'd definitely be tempted...... Maybe coz I'm not the dark wavy blond in a champagne dress.... who knows?

I only brought this bottle for myself at the end of last year almost like a xmas present for myself. I am more than glad that I didn't get tempted to buy this when I was still with EuroTraining, as it would have been too painful to use it again and would have put me off forever.  But now, I'm just loving every single sent of it, and liking the fact that my brain still managed to remember the scent of a perfume I smelt in 2008.

Home sick!

Tonight, I'm so home sick to the point that I feel like saying "I'm going back to NZ".

I am so home sick to the point that I feel like crying.

I am so home sick to the point that I don't want to stop talking to other people, just to prove the point that I am not alone.

I am so so so so so missing home.

I talked to my old colleague from the chocolate factory today, and she made me realise how much I miss and loved that work.  Although there were many rough times, I really truly loved the things I did in that 1 year.  1 year may not sound long to some people, but for me, that 1 year was a GREAT year.

I had to stay home all day today and came to the conclusion that having too much time for myself is not a good idea.  I don't want to think and look back, I need to keep going forward.  I chose this road that I'm on and I don't want to prove myself that I chose the wrong path.  But having time for myself gives me too much time to think.  I need to keep on moving.

I miss the hugs and cuddles of the friends back home. In the past, when I hit my wall, I used to go up to Signal Hill by myself or with the ChemNerd.  He knows me so well, he've seen my up and downs, he was there when my parents went back to Japan, he was there when me and EuroTraining broke up, and he was there when I hit my last wall with work.  I miss having a friend like that.  I still trust him, and i can tell him almost anything about me, but it's not the same over emails or phones, I miss having a person's existence.  I miss all that.



Tonight, I'm missing everything.

Sweet Memories

It's good to know that past is eventually turned into memories, some sweet memories.

I used to look at a photo of you and feel a sharp pain in my heart, telling me how that smile on that picture will never be given to me again.

But now, I look at these pictures and see a memory of the fun all times we had - including the one from the ball we got together.  I even cracked few laughs at some of them.

For once, I'm feeling fortunate that I was with you, about what a great time we had when we were together. But I'm ready to let go of you.  I can slowly start deleting the photos of us 1 by 1, until eventually, there are only photos of us as a friend and none as a couple. Photos are great ways to keep memories, but some are supposed to be kept in our hearts, not as a physical matter.  I know in my heart that "we" existed, but there is no need to prove that we were.


Maybe I am ready for a new character in my life, if someone comes along the way. If nobody doesn't come? well, I still have my second love - dancing.

Italian or Asian....?

So I went to explore little more of my surrounding environment, and found a fabulously amazing supermarket that sells products easily available in NZ. So instead of making asian style dinner; as I have been doing for most of my month in Jakarta, I decided to make a fancy Italian for change!!

Eggplants, courgetts, mushrooms, yellow capsicums, tomatoes, cannelloni beans, cooked with fresh garlic (what a pity I didn’t have any fresh basil or olive oil!).  Grilled chicken breast, water cress salad and garlic bread on the side!!  Now I was ULTRA happy.

But the funny thing is, besides the different combination of vegetables, it is hardly any different to what I’ve been cooking for my asian meals – garlic, salt and vege.  But having a different combination of vegetables was already enough to make this tasty dinner taste like Italian, not Asia. And it is AMAZING what small things like that can influence culture and flavour perception of food.

At the end of the day, that’s what my job is all about.  Creating a seasoning – a flavour to enhance the appetite of customers of various country, religion, ethnicity, gender and culture.  For me, a simple difference in food like this puts me in utterly good mood.  When I have a good meal that is exactly how I wanted, I am happier than ever – almost as happy if I’ve been dancing the whole night non stop.

In the past week or so, I’ve been training myself to know the different flavours used in this country, both artificial and natural. Some of the ingredients are really good quality that even the diluted flavour for profiling makes me hungry.  But then when it comes to trying the finished product, I’m not even slightly motivated to eat.  More closer to hesitating to eat actually. Now I’m just wondering, does this feeling come from the fact that I’m just not familiar yet, or I’m just stubbornly in love with the “real flavours” I guess I’ll find out once I start making my own seasoning!!  Knowing the core ingredients are definitely important though, the more I understand the individual flavours, more am I inspired to apply that ingredient in my cooking.  Now what a shame that I haven’t been getting that inspiration over with seasoning alone.....

Oh well, at least I’m starting to like my work.  A month and a half since I’ve started work with this company, I finally understand what my future road is going to look like. 

Identity crisis

Every now and then, I face with this question


"who am I?"


I once got very upset at a work colleague for told me "you're not a japanese"

Back then, all I wanted to say to him was was

"I don't have to live in the country to be physically Japanese, my heart is Japanese"

But now I'm in this country that is neither NZ or Japan. And the question arise when I am introduced to other people "Her name is Yuko, she is from ....."

When they say I'm Japanese, they always ask me "why is your English so good?" and starts asking me all these question about Japan that I have no idea about.

And when they say I'm from NZ, they ask "are you born in NZ?" or "why is your name Japanese?" so I have to explain the whole story.

The more people I meet over here, the stronger I feel that I don't know amuch about Japan.  I only know the very surface of the country.

But then saying that, that surface is embedded enough in me that I can't say I'm a kiwi.

Sure, I can tell other people that "I'm more of a kiwi than Japanese", but here in Asia, where many country became the battle ground in the WWII, I cannot say "hey, I'm raised in NZ so I have no guilt in what the Japanese soldiers did". I like to respect those places and want to leave them at peace, I carry the guilt of my people.  But then if there was a battleground for NZ vs. Japan somewhere, then which side would I pay the respect to? I cannot answer.

I had a really bad caucasion deprive at one stage, and looked at expat forums, seeing who I could possibly meet up.  Even back in NZ, I felt more at ease with caucasion friends than nz bred asians. I skipped all those profiles that looked Asian, and suddenly I realised.......

No matter how hard I try or feel comfortable with them, their impression of me is always going to be an Asian.  If others are deprived like me too, then there is a likelihood of disappointing the recipient is very high.

But at the same time, where do I belong??

The answer is NOWHERE


I read on this website for Asian Americans, and apparently the children who are 2nd generation and etc gets this symptom of "Identity Crisis" when they first start going to school, and ask the parents the question "what am I?? am I a Chinese (or any other race) or an American??". The guide said to answer to the children.

"You are a Chinese American".

And suddenly it clicked.

Maybe I don't need to identify myself as 1 nationality. After all, both NZ and Japan have made the person called me. I can call myself "Japanese New Zealander" or "New Zealand Japanese" - which I like the sound better.

When I was with EuroTraining, I always wondered why he introduced himself as "NZ Chinese" or "NZ born Chinese" and now understand why.  It does take away the effort of explaining yourself over and over and it does somewhat identify who you are.

I am going to say this one more time,

I AM A NEW ZEALAND JAPANESE.

/end of story/

Pity Money

In Singapore office, we call any cash paid from work "pity money".  I absolutely hate that word.  For me, it sounds like

"the money we are giving you doesn't worth that much for us, but because we feel sorry for you for finding this much money that precious, we are going to give it to you".

While I'm over here, I'm getting this "pity money" which is like living allowance. Except the amount I get per month is twice the amount that the last trainee was getting, and exactly the amount the person who is 1 year senior is getting paid per month.

Now when I went out shopping today, we were looking at these beautiful batik garments all over the place.   I am totally in love with batik, and I even found one that would be great for my mother's birthday present. Made by the traditional method, by hand.  The price was 160,000 Rps, which is roughly NZ $25.  When I convert, I usually convert in my head, but the problem is, I count in Japanese, and Japanese numbers go up in a group of 10000 not 1000 like it is in English, so I mistook one extra zero.  Originally, I heard that the price was 100000Rps, so I thought, man, 100 plus bucks for those is so nice but pricy, so I gave up and left the shop.  But I actually liked it so much and wanted it so much to give to my mother.

So I asked my workmate to let me use her phone and calculated the price just in case I had it wrong.  It turns out that it was actually 160000 Rps, and when converted, about 25 bucks.  So I was instantly sold.

I thought that was a bargain price for an original item like that.  But for people who do live here, that price must feel like 160 bucks or so.  I wouldn't be surprised.  And here I was, shopping with the money I got from the company which the girls worked very hard every day and earnt.

So here is another question.  We get paid in singapore dollars (or Japanese yen), and when converted, our  monthly salary is about x10 the local girls.  Now why am I getting this money??

Although it is nice to have an extra cash to spare, and it is true that eqv. of Singapore 150 bucks in singapore is buggar all, it's the price of a cheap apartment room per week.  I actually want to refuse this money.  I have enough to feed myself, and now that I know how much they per others month, I don't want to get this treatment.

The exchange rate is nothing that can be helped, in any other country, this amount is a real pity money.  But int this country, it worth 1 month of salary.  I'd rather give it to the people who deserves it.  It shouldn't be paid to a person like me.

My boss said to me on the way to work one day

"the first thing that shocked me in this country is the difference in poverty"

I'd say, don't speak such bullshit if you are paying the foreign employees some money like that under your own decision. It is THE biggest bullshit I've ever heard.

Key

Today, I've lost my key

I've always been really good at losing my key or forgetting to take my key, but this is the 2nd time in my life that I lost my key outside my house.

I had to call my boss to ask for my spare key that the company stores for "just in case" purpose.

The first thing he asked me was "did anyone follow you home??"

When I first noticed that I've lost it, the only thing that was going through my head was

"shit, how the hell am I going to get into my room"


And simply, that was all. I thought, if I ask someone to call the mall tomorrow and see if anyone has picked up the key, I'm sure it will be found.  There is nothing to identify which apartment the key belongs to.  All they will be able to tell is that it belongs to my row of complexes that already has 6 apartment on it.

It didn't even slightly cross my mind about security.  I thought I got used to the dodgyness of this country, but this beat me.

Although I do have like a chain thing for inside my house, I am REALLY paranoid now.  I feel as though someone may rob me while I'm in the house.  To be honest, if someone robs me while I'm out, I'm not too fussed as there aren't many things at my house.  Probably the most of my concern may be a stolen laptop.  I would be more than slightly pissed off to have my pictures and stuff stolen.

Normally, I take my laptop to work so it doesn't really matter, but for tomorrow only, I have to leave it behind.....

Shit, now I AM COMPLETELY PARANOID

My people, my country

Every day, every hour, every minute

I pray for this moment to be safe,
for my family
for my friends
for the survivors of the quake and the tsunami
and my country

I pray that tomorrow will be another safe day

I don't wish for any more than a day of peace for my people.

Please let tomorrow be another safe day.

Looking Out of My Window....

I'm looking out of my window of my house and realizing there hasn't been a single day since I've been here that I've been able to see all the way without the smoky clouds covering the way.

I don't know if it's actually the climate here that is causing this cloud or the smog from the factories.  But suddenly I'm missing the never ending farm scape of New Zealand.

I'm glad that I am at least living by myself that I don't have to care about other people while I'm home, so it makes the home sick not as bad as it normally is.

I think it is true about how people adapt to new places much slower when you're older. Although saying that, things I miss in food-wise over here is stuff like pate, whole meal breads, fresh salad with feta and olives, none of which are anything related to Japan.

It really helps that driver picks me up in the morning, I don't have to motivate myself to leave my house to go to work.

I wish I was in NZ still having a holiday.

I'm a Spoilt Brat

Well, there are few things I learnt since I've arrived in Indonesia, but one of the biggest thing is the fact that I'm a complete spoilt little brat.

I used to think that you know, I'm adaptable, I can take on quite a few things, but that thought alone is a comment of a kid who hasn't seen the world.

Now that I'm in a country where English is an alienated language, I know extremely well about how useless I am.  Even when I was in Singapore, I was frustrated about the fact that people are quire short tempered over there and they will literally ignore you when you don't speak in proper madarin/chinese pronounsation.

Now that I'm in Indonesia, I'm living in a house that normal people will never afford to live, and if I want anything, all I have to do is tell my boss, and I even get some pocket money.  I get a private driver to my doorstep every morning and night.  While I have all this, I'm too scared for my precious body that I'm way over-using hand sanitizers, baby wipes instead of water,  I don't use anything but bottled water, I will keep my 2 aircons in my room on all the time.  I'm refusing to eat most of local food coz of my poor stomach, and also I have to ask someone to help me with EVERYTHING including "my hot water isn't running" and "the cloth hanger we brought has a part missing and needs to be replaced".  Oh, and most hilarity of all, I am now one of those people who is wrapped in Louis Vitton, quite literally as it's my bedding.

While I get all these treatments, my colleagues some whom are senior, comes to work on a public transport, taking 2 hours.  Gets paid a less than me, talks to me in a polite form.  As we drive to work, we pass some of the poor parts of the city.   Some of these houses don't even look liveable, but they are living in it.  Some young children are working on the streets filled with dust, exhorts , .  And I think to myself, although I was excited about getting all these treatments, what do I actually do that I deserve these treatments?? Me, a newbie, who doesn't know crap gets the best treatment and treated like a guest.  How?? I really wonder how??

And also, I wished my company would give some of these money they spend on me to Christchurch.  And while I thought about these things, an earthquake and tsunami hit in Japan, and aftershock and more tsunami is still continuing. I am fortunate that even during both of these events, my family and friends are ok although they were in the disaster hit areas.  Unlike my colleague whom the parent is actually from that tsunami hit area, and still can't get in touch.   There is nothing I can do for these people except to pray, and donate some money if I can.  I just feel absolutely useless and I'm hating it.


I am so useless, I feel like a child who wants to grow up so I can do something, but the reality is.......

This Country Called Singapore

So it's been exactly 2 weeks since I've arrived in this country called Singapore.

I've finally got quite settled into this place, and making myself at home in Sembawang.  But 1 thing that bugs me about this country is how everyone refers as being "clean".  But what is meant by "clean"?

This country is perfectly ordered.  Every district in a way looks exactly the same.  Some HDB, some Condo, and shops.  Or just go into city for shops after shops after shops.  I wonder, does people chose to live the life they currently do or they just do it for their familiarity. It seems as though the only way to make a difference in lifestyle in this country is to have money an that's all.  In a way that's 1 thing common about Asia.  People are all exactly the same, like a perfect stamp or something.  But then saying that, the physical cleanness of this place is maintained by the labour workers.  And the difference in poverty is clear.  Even at work, people make their own group, and stay with it.  Everyone talks about "marrying a rich man" and not really believing marrying the one they love but not so rich.  And also, the people who are not from local university or developed country are secluded at lunchtime.  Not because they do any less work or anything, but they don't really get talked to much either.  

Also, I may be wrong, but this country seems to be very restricted by the government in many aspects.  And that is probably the reason why it's kept so much in order.  But then saying that, everything is about fines.  Yes, it is nice to live in a country and feeling safe.  But I feel as though I'm being watched whatever I do.

It kind of feels like I'm living in the world of Matrix.  Everything here is man made, including the waterfront.  That is one of the huge difference from being in New Zealand when there is so much greenery.

And now I'm wondering how long am I going to live in this country?

Even being in least Asian country like Singapore, I'm not too perfectly comfortable, so I don't think I'll ever survive anywhere else in Asia.  I guess I'm a banana to the core.

Oh, and I had to have a laugh last night, 1 thing I hate about Asia is how much people care about how they look, and that is included in dancing.  A lot of people know how to look pretty and elegant when they dance.  But this is SALSA, it is meant to be passionate, it is meant to be HOT.  Although there were fair few good dancers, dancing is supposed to be enjoyed more than anything, and not just to look pretty.  I wished so much that Jack was there.  We would have rocked the floor.  I wonder when will be the next time I'll get to dance with him.....

But yeah, I shouldn't put myself through homesick again.  I'm off to Indonesia on Monday and worrying about Singapore should be least of the worry for now.

Exploration

It's my first weekend off in Singapore, and I've decided to go on a area hunting.  I figured checking out some locations before I have to look for a place to live after I come back would be a good idea.

I woke up at 9, and made myself a SALAD, yes, SALAD.  Something which I have not been eating at all since I've arrived in this country.  And damn it was good!! It's funny to think that depending on what you cook, it's definitely much more pricier to cook at home in Singapore.

Anyway, after brunch, I hopped on the MRT and took off to first stop Yio Chu Kang.  It was a funny place because this place had absolutely not shops around MRT station.  Just the station and the bus stop.  But after mindless walking in general direction, I found the local market and the food court.  Which was excellent.  It's a bit more of what I thought Singapore would be like before I came here.  Numerous little shops in their speciality.  And this place is definitely cheap to live.  The only problem is, none of these shops have any price tags, so since I can't speak a word of Chinese, I have a feeling it's going to increase some price than what the actual locals would get.  But yeah, no shopping malls were to be seen in the area, just local small shops.  There are a whole block full of them.  It kind of reminded me of Victoria market in Melbourne.  And I just came to realization that I haven't even seen a single book shop since I've been here. Although saying that it'll probably in the languages I can't understand anyway.  So yes, there wasn't anything particularly wrong with this place, but I figured I'm going to have a massive trouble looking for some European foods if I was to cook some.

So the next stop was Ang Mo Kio.  And this place, I LOVE IT.  the thing I love the most is the "mega store" it's definitely the biggest supermarket I've seen so far, and it wasn't that pricy either.  Considering how urbanised this place is, the prices are still quite reasonable, and I throughly enjoyed myself in this area.  Oh, and I finally found some durians!!  Except they were only sold as a whole or there was 1 particular place which was selling durian cake that had a massive line, and I was almost tempted to go and buy some but I was too lazy to line up.  Maybe next time I will actually try......  After the train station building exploration, I actually got so tired that I didn't bother checking out beyond the shops and some of the residential area, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to love living here.  The only down side may be is that it's a bit busy for my liking.  Although having all those shops are extremely convenient,  I still like the slow feeling when it comes to living.  It's relaxing at the end of the day.

Anyway, it was already 4pm by the time I left Ang Mo Kio, but I figured I should just go and get it over and done with, so off I went to Bishan.  I was originally looking at this place as I saw that there is a new MRT track under construction that would make the trip to dancing a lot easier than it is right now, but it turns out that it's only going to open in 2014, bummer.  Poet told me when he was originally house hunting that this area is one of the richest area in Singapore, so I was kind of expecting a really flash place with all the expensive shops and what not, and I was really surprised about how normal this place is.  Once again, it's not a bad place but it doesn't wow me either.  I'd much prefer Ang Mo Kio over Bishan.  It was only 4.30pm, but I was sooooo hungry and went hunting for food.  Beside the fact that you can get a lot of Japanese food here, I was quite disappointed to see nothing too interesting.

I know that around the MRT is not the only place to look, but it's a good way to start anyway.

After I got back from Bishan into Sembawang, I definitely like how laid back this area is. And its clean, and very at home feeling.  I mean, sure, the supermarket isn't the best, but it still has the bare minimum that I need.  Enough European ingredients that I need anyway.  So I guess this is all going to be depending on Steph at the end of the day.  Although it does take about an hour to Salsa from here, I don't think I'll dance not in weekends anyway. And after Poet comes back to Singapore (and me) and Steph comes to Singapore, that should be enough motivation for an 1 hour trip.  But knowing her, she probably needs all the shopping to live.

Speaking of which, I bought a new dress today.  After checking out the venue earlier in the week, I figured that I need some nice clothes to go dancing.  So I did, and I've been looking so forward to going dancing all week long.  But after I got back, although I was only out for about 4 hours, I was so tired that  I was getting a headache and I fell asleep, which made me even more tired.  If this was Dunedin, I probably would have gone out to dance, but I was not fit enough for an 1 hour train ride and this is not the time to get sick anyway, so I gave tonight a miss.  SOOOOOOO NOT impressed with myself.  But yes, there is always next time, and I have to be mature and responsible and look after myself.  How boring.

Anyway, this post is already long enough, I should just go back to watching Burlesque. I'm loving the songs in this movie...