Phobia and Trauma

I'm keep getting flash back of my working life in Singapore.

As I stand in the lab, a meeting, or on my desk.

I can feel the fear coming onto me.

The fear of failure.

I feel like I can never do a thing right.

I used to be proud of myself, and now I'm just plainly scared.

I used to be happy when people rely on me.

I wonder if everyone goes through this phase.

Right now, I'm just dead scared.

I don't want to be where I was before. I want to hold my head up high.

I pray every night, that tomorrow will be another day, a safe day, without any mistakes.

I've been receiving a constant pressure every day.

ACCURACY is the company policy.

PRECISENESS is a demand, not an option.

Day by day, I pray for an another safe day. I just want to be normal again. I just want to be myself again.

Tied

You think when you get older you learn not to do stupid things anymore.

Yet, my brain still likes to play tricks.

Fall for the wrong guy, and miss the wrong guy.

I always ask myself,

"Why can't I just be satisfied with something "normal""

But I still go for the wrong options.

Knowing, that you were there, only a 10min drive away today, made me miss you a lot.

All I wanted, was just hop in the car and come see you, and come and hug you.

I thought seeing the less of you, talking the less to you, will eventually make me forget you.

But a life isn't simple like that.

Being away from you, made me realise how much I'm falling for you. And say the words you don't want me to hear.

I can't call you my partner, my boy friend, or a date.

Yet, I'm bound to you with an invisible rope.

It's not the red string like a fairy tail, but a rope, that straps me and doesn't want to untie itself....

Another journey, all over again

Time over time, I always re-appreciate how lucky I am.

To be in this beautiful country that I can call home, with beautiful friends that I love.

When I first moved back to auckland, I thought

"Nothing can be worse than living in Singapore"

But then as I walked around literally all over Auckland, looking for flats, I started to think

"Maybe it can be"

I still don't like the amount of cars and people over here, and some areas definitely do not make me feel too great about walking around by myself. And the noise!

But then at some time, a 10 min drive from main centre of Manukau, I am walking across paddocks with sound of sheep and looking all the way down to the Auckland city centre during sunset, and re-assuring me that I am for sure, NOT in Singapore.

I could not breathe when I was in Singapore, and I lost my balance between myself and and my life.

But a moment of peace like that, makes me feel that I can do it again.

Many people think I am a stubborn girl who walks my ways. And I am, probably stronger than many girls I know too, but yet I do feel vulnerable by myself.

A new career is about to start in 3 days, and I don't want to screw it up again. And I am, in fact, scared of failures.

If I can do 1 year at this company, I think I can get my confidence back. I've already been made redundant once, and had to resign the second time. It's been more than 10 years since I've been in a job that I was working more than a year, sometimes it makes me feel like that I am a failure, and there is something wrong with me. Not being able to stick up to what everyone can.

If it was't for my friends that supported me this whole time, I don't think I could have stayed alive. And I mean it. I had great friends that was there for me at the right time, making me stop from giving up on my life. And I owe everything to them, and a lifetime to make up for them if they are ever in need of help.

New life, new journey one again. Hopefully starting with a clean slate.

Thank You Daddy Long Legs....

Some people in my life knows how to jump my heart.

Puts that butterfly in my stomach.

It is not the big presents I look for.

It is not the expensive cars I look for.

It is not the fanciest house I look for.

I look for something simple in my life, as litttle as someone you love saying good morning and good night.

My new life in the big smoke is not as scary now, knowing that you are there to stand by my side, no matter what happens.

I thank you for everything, I thank you for every minute of my life.

Thank you DaddyLongLegs.

Home is Where My Heart is....

I've always loved my home in this Aoteaora land.

Tauranga

My parents left this land a long time a go, and so did many of our friends. Some by choice, some not by choice. But Tauranga is wher my soul lies on any given day.

I drove up last thurs with the MadScientist from the windy Wellington, once again with a bit of drama! (oh why wouldn't there be with my boys anyway....)

The MadScientist drove up from the south, landing in Wellington on Wed night. We planned to drive up together over a week a go. But we just didn't have any set plans. So I asked him when he arrived,

"So, what the plan for tomorrow?"

"Oh, about that.... Well, I can give u a ride up to Auckland or Hamilton, and you'll need to bus from there coz there is going to be no room in my mum's car"

?????

I was confused.

So it turned out that he rented a car from the south island, and the drop off point is in Auckland, and his mother was driving up to pick him up, but the car is too small to fit his luggage and myself in it.... So on this rather last min emergency, I called my BigMama, explaining the situation....

Bingo! He took half a day off to come and pick me up from Cambridge so I don't have to wait for the stupid bus that always takes way too long to travel. Oh do I love him!

The weekend went past splendidly, just like the good old days. Fooling around in "the bus", wasting time with all the junk MadScientist have stashed away, and going to the beach on a ridiculous windy day but still kite boarding (it was strong enough to lift us off the ground!). The toys we have may have gotten slightly more expensive, but nothing else has really changed.

We also helped the MadScientist's mother pack their house. Her and her husband have a new job down in the south decided to rent the place out. When I stepped into the house, I got attacked by random emotions, having flash backs on all the times we spent in this house. And how happy me and MadScientist were together back in the days. Then I realised, this was the first time stepping into this house in 6 years. And I hardly came here after we broke up.

I guess he is my ex after all even after all these years.

It's crazy to think that we finished high school 8 years a go. For me, it still feels like yesterday. And also yesterday that I left this land for Singapore. 

I felt my body catching up with age when I was in Tauranga though. Every time I'm back at that place, we do same thing just because we don't want to admit that things have changed. But this time around, I can feel that my body is not tolerating as well as it used to. Be it for over eating (I never got sick off home made nachos before!) or exercise. But I'll just put that aside and ignore for a while....

I can't thank the MadScientist enough for being a good friend still, and how much I appreciate his company. It makes me sad to think he's no longer going to be on the same land, but I know we will meet again, sooner or later.

See you again my friend, love you loads.

Live a Little, Dance a Little...

It's kind of funny how 2 weeks I worked for a marketing (if they can even call themselves so) company,  the pitch to convince people to join charity was

"we need ongoing support form the community, we can't survive on the one off payments, because with them, we cannot budget".

And it made me laugh each time I say it and then think how ironic that statement was.

Because that job was exactly that. You get paid purely on how much "sale" you get, completely comission. There were days when you can be out for a whole day and earn nothing, and days you can earn a lot.

Well, I never earned that much really.... It's def came to a conclusion that it's not my thing!

But for those that do live on this job, I don't know how they can physically live for so long not knowing what income you are going to have each week. I'd be too scared to plan any trips in case I don't have any income!

It's been almost a month since I've landed in Wellington. Still no fixed job, and def hoping I'll land on it too.

I've loved every minute of my time in Wellington, good company, good friends, maybe not so much of the wind, but I can't really think of a reason why I want to leave this place!! I'm not dancing like crazy like I used to, but then people I met through dancing is always amazing and defeats my expectation about their social levels. Live a little, dance a little is def not something on their dictionary!

An extremely tempting job description popped up with Nestle last week, and I'm now on the waiting list to hear back from the nestle headquarters in Australia. There is a part of me who wants to get this job, and part of me who doesn't want to have it so I can stay in Wellington for a bit longer.

I can't bare to think of a life without the lovely company I have down here!

There are so many things I want to do once I have a job.... but right now, it's all about the waiting game!

X fingers my destination will be set soon....

Dreaming day and night

Dreams during the day gives you hope.

You dream to aspire

You dream to success

You dream to desire

Dreams during night gives you false hope and regrets

You dream about things you can never have

You dream about the person you can't be with

You dream about past that you just want to forget about


Yet we tell our friends and loved ones


"Sweet dreams"


Because that is the only thing you can do to give them hope that when you wake up, it's only a dream.

Desitny

I believe in destiny.

I believe that every one of us has a meaning for living. That belief my discolor every now and then, but most of time, it's on top of my belief list.

And I also believe that certain thing in life is meant to happen. And happen for a reason whether it seems bad or not at the time.

Big daddy has been so supportive the whole time that I was in Singapore, and every now and then, my greediness came out to say that I MUST track him, I don't want to lose him.

I still love him equally, but ever since me and him had

"the talk"

I don't feel so insecure anymore.

What I didn't want is the fact that it was only me who had a feeling this whole time. And that he was just keeping up with it, coz he was too nice to say no.

But knowing that somewhere along the line, our hearts crossed, it means more in a way that our lives has crossed.

We're still traveling on a gravel road, not knowing what we want in life, or where we want to go from here, but all I know is that, there was that one time, we were connected, mind and spirit.

I still want him if I can, but I gave up on trying to stop the boat that is not willing to rest it's sails.

I will be hurt  if the day comes that turns out that I'm not the one,

but for now, even if he doesn't say anything special, he still doesn't fail to put a smile on my face.

And that's all I need.

A SMILE.

Happy birthday my friend. Will love you forever.

Getting older and wiser

I remember back in those days that I was so nervous that I couldn't ask the boy I liked out.

I remember back in those days it was a challenge to hold a boy's hand.

I remember back in those days when I really really really wanted to kiss a boy but I didn't know how to ask or how to put myself out there.

I remember THAT day, and it took sooooooo long before it got there.

Then I remember getting into the world of working, and having to get into the awkward situation where I had to do the whole

"awww, thank you" 

or

"awwww congratulations!!"

with kisses, sometimes on the cheek, sometimes on the lips, and me with awkward smile looking like a grinch, hoping to get out from this moment as quick as possible.

Then it became ok,

I'd verbally say that I love my friends, or use word as a teaser

like

"you're so annoying"


"Oh you know you love me!"

or it became ok to wear mini skirt into public, and then the heels, and the tops became tighter, and push up bras here and there.

But when did it became ok??

And when did it become ok to kiss those boys that you just met that night but you were flirting with, and when did become ok to do so even in public??

People say older ladies are shameless, but I guess I'm starting to go into that track.

Priorities

Priorities and family.

The two you think it doesn't blend in together.

But I find out today that it does....

Borrowing my mother's cell phone to call my father, she tells me


"use the short cut, long press on the 2"


You wonder why it's "2" considering it's someone you call on a relatively frequent basis, you'd think it'll be stored under "1". So I asked


"Who's on number 1?"


She answers

"Your sister".


Heh, priorities aye?

Cleaning

I seriously wonder, what is with parents wanting to clean the house in the morning.

It seems to be every kid's problem that we get waken up by parents's lovely noise of vacuuming the house.  Specifically on those days all we want to do is SLEEP.

And then I had a brief talk we had my mother this morning as it turns out that there are huge load of bloggers on the website around bout 9.30am.

My mother's question was that

"why are they so free at that time? don't they have stuff to do like cleaning??"

But then why do our mothers just need to clean at morning??

For me, my morning routine goes lazy in bed for extra 30min, get up, eat breakfast, do the dishes and read the news, check the emails, all that jazz, THEN the cleaning.

Now what is the problem in doing the cleaning at say, 3pm?? I understand why you wouldn't do it at night time as you really can't see much at night. But really, what is the difference between cleaning at 10am and 3pm??

That'll be a mystery for me forever....

Saucers

I just realised the importance of a saucer when drinking a cup of tea.
you can put your sugar cubes if you want it sweetened.
you can put your dirty spoon on it if it's not clean.
And the best of all, if you happen to spill the tea, it's there to catch it so you won't make the table dirty.

Then I thought it's a bit like my life

I mean, there is the saying from Forrest Gump


"Life is like a box of chocolate, you don't know what you get until you open it"




That, in fact, is also true.
But saucer is more like my ideal man actually


Anyway, I'm not trying to talk about a man today.


I'm currently kind of stuck on "what's the best next move" thing right now.
I'm not young enough to play the "young and stupid card" anymore (and it's not that I want to either...)
But then it's about time I get my career settled, and life settled, and I'd like that too.


I thought I was the only one who was having this dilemma.

And it turns out that it's not.

It seems like many people around me is having the same problem.



We know something is not right, but we don't know what is not right.



But then saying that, there is a saying in japan that means

Sticking to 1 thing for 3 years will solve the troubles



why does the life has to get so complicated year by year?

The Land By the Mountain...

My mother always told me,

"when the time is right, things will be ok"

And that was always a magical word for me.

I knew that some times, life can be crap. COMPLETELY crap in fact.

Just last week, I just went for a visit to my home town, where I was born and raised til my family immigrated to NZ at age 9.

The whole time in Japan, I didn't know what I wanted. I just knew i had to go back to NZ at some point, I still call NZ my home, and I wanted to see my friends. But I didn't get that glitter of excitement or that burst in me, telling me

"it's time to go lady!!"

At the same time, I was not even 1% motivated to settle back into Japan or find new work here in Japan. Despite the fact that I did love living with my parents again. So day by day, I just let the days go by.

But then when I went to my home town, I was SUPER excited for being there. Seeing everything that I once knew, and was so familiar with.

I didn't care about the fact that my old friends didn't understand what's so fabulous about that old crusty country side, It was all the beauty that I wanted to see for so long.

Right at that moment, as I looked right across from Yatsugatake ranges, through to southern Alps, and straight at Mt Fuji, I got that feeling again.

I knew I've done everything I needed to do in Japan, and it's time for me to go home.

When I came back to Saitama again, I started looking for a job. And every single time, when I'm looking for a job, there is always at least 1 job that pops into my brain telling me to apply.

And I got something like that again. So the CV's are sent, and now it's just the waiting game.

I don't know when my next chapter will begin, but I'm hoping it will be soon!!

Erase.

There is a saying in Japanese

"Things with shape is meant to be broken".

In another words, anything in this life, nothing is stable.

I definitely agree with that.

The other day, I accidentally dropped my external HD and permanently disabled it's function. Only then I have found out how they work!!! I always knew that when the HD is running, it sounded like a CD spinning but I just presumed that it's a fan running inside.

So from my understanding, it's a multiple double sided CD's inside, that's storing information for me.

And anyway, by dropping this, t bent the reading thing and started scratching my disk and now it won't load on my computer.

So what was inside??

Well, the unwatched multiple movies, some ebooks, some back in the days uni work back up, and also my photos. 2.5 years worth from when I was dating EuroTraining.

The funny story is that the photos stored on there pretty much starts from straight after I started dating him, and then up to the year we broke up.

I uploaded a lot of photos on facebook so I do have a few of my fav up there in low quality. But after we broke up, I deleted the ones of us looking like a couple. I didn't like the thought of my future partner looking at them.

But now, EVERYTHING is deleted.

I was originally going to get the data recovered as it also had my graduation photos. Definitely 1 of the life time event that I don't want to miss. But that one I had a back up for.

Then the road trips x2 with my high school friends: 2 of my friends were the main cameraman, so they both have the back up of those photos.

Then there is the photos from when I went of my holiday up north to visit my oldest friend, which she has the copies off as I put them on her computer when I left their place.

And another photo I didn't want to lose was the photo of my favourite chef friend, before he got ill, and the cafe was still vibrant. But those photos I had the back up for as after I took them, I made a web album so the Chef and other colleagues back then can see it.

And parties and birthdays I didn't care so much as majority of my fav photos are up on fb. Not at the full quality, but it's good enough to watch and see the old memories every now and then.

So it turns out that the only photos that I've lost completely and have no back up photos for, is the photo of me and Euro Training. The xmas we spent together, the only trip to Queenstown, wee date out to the peninsula, 2 balls. But you know what, it took me 3 days to actually figure out what photos I was missing. And when I finally did, it didn't hurt anymore. I would have never have deleted those photos if I had to do them myself. But then there was no point in keeping them.

There was no "us" anymore, and my heart doesn't get that jabbing pain hearing his name. The good memories are kept in my heart, and that's enough for me. I don't need to see a physical evidence that I was in love. I want to make a room for my future partner whoever that will be. He might fill up part of my heart every now and then, but I'm ok now, I'm moving on.

Good bye my photos, good my memories, and say hello to my new future.

Still Lost.

It's amazing how much time in your life you can waste.

I've been jobless for almost 3 months. And I'm still here unsure of what I want to do.

I think sometimes in life, it's easier to not think, and just move the body, and let things flow the way it flows.

For once, I like being a stupid dumb girl who has no plans.

I don't have anything stable under my feet, but maybe that's just the way it's supposed to be.

I feel like throwing everything that I have, so I only have a bag to carry with me.

I'm not interested in looking pretty that much anymore

I like cultures, I like people.

I feel as though I want to be a hobo, just travel around for all my life, taking pictures of what I see so I can share with the people I love.

I wish the world would not revolve around money, but I know that's not possible.

My friend told me to write a book, along with the pictures that I took in the past.

Everything sound so sweet but I know reality is not that sweet.

Or am I making excuses so I don't have to do it all?

Am I closing the paths so I don't have to look at it?

I don't know...

My heart tells me that I need to go back home, where everything I love is.

But I'm scared that my home can't provide me things I need to live.

I love being surrounded by people but sometimes I just want to escape

Or have a friend I can be silent with.

I feel like I'm being a spoilt little brat, year by year

Maybe I am.

Maybe I'm not as strong as I thought I was.

Some part of me tells me I want to get back into that career path leading top of the line products.

But knowing the hell I have to go through, I don't want to do it again.

Sometimes I think girls have it easy, when it comes to worse, we can run away from reality in the name of "making a family".

Even having a family is not that easy, I know, but when you want to run away from life, it's the best place to be.

I still don't know what I want....

Future

I hate every time you have a change in life, people want to know precisely what your next move is.

The truth is,  I don't know.

And neither do I know what I want.

This is one of the few times in  my life that I don't know what I want.

I was planning to travel, but the fact that I have absolutely no plans, also means that I will have seriously no money when I come back. Living with family really doesn't help either, they forgive me too much for being myself. It's so easy to be lazy, I can spend everyday doing absolutely everything if it wasn't for my family, making dinner and cleaning the house and all.

My parents still makes me feel like a baby, and I don't mind acting like one every once in a while. But it's a bit sad getting older, when you're little you don't think about money, they just somehow fell from the sky. But even living with family, I feel bad if I'm using up electricity, gas, food budget and what not. Even living at home I have to get the reality check that nothing in life can go back the way it used to be.

It's a small change, and times flies, I know.

I know I have to make the next move, and all I can think of is go back to nz and be with my friends. I really can't think of anything else that I want to do.

Brain vs. Body

I heard once that your brain can forget "memories", but your body will still remember even if your brain didn't. I mean, after all, they are both act of brain. But it's more the fact about right or left brain I guess.

I've made something today which I haven't made for 3 years. Meat ball tomato sauce. It was EuroTraining's favourite dish that he used to reward himself for. I used to regret introducing him into watching Gordon Ramsay's Kitchen Nightmare. The program that got him started on the whole cooking supree thing. It was cool to begin with considering it stopped him from eating plain pasta and tuna or smoked chicken 3 times a day (and instant noodles on a special occasion). But then he idolised Gordon so much to the point that even if I ever suggest him an alternative way of making it for the better, he won't ever listen. Also, he never believed about the fact that cook books are not always true, but they are generally simplified for a regular home cooking. And all chef will never put exact recipes, and neither is it possible to do so. It's too much to do with sensation and taste of the actual ingredients and everything. But the thing with beginner cooks, they will never do anything different, even to the point of how much salt to put in.

Anyway, I won't deny the fact that indeed EuroTraining did become a pretty good cook, and there were some favourites amongst them. But restaurant foods are NEVER designed for every day eating. Meatball and tomato sauce was 1 of the favourite recipe. But the taste was so distinct that I just didn't want to make them again after we broke up. The smell of the fresh thyme and rosemary, the taste of pork and beef mince mix.... I've made alternative recipes that are similar since, but not this exact one that he used to make. It made me feel too lonely to eat them again by myself.

It was the first time cooking it today, and indeed I did enjoy the smell whilst I was making it. Until the point I wanted to check whether it was cooked enough or not. The first bite I took, it almost made me cry. It took me all the way to that little kitchen that doesn't exist anymore. The one that I had to scrub down so much coz it was too filthy to touch initially. How I used to see the sun going down through the kitchen window whilst he was standing in the kitchen making those meat balls.

I can even remember the very scent of the house. Every single tiny details of the house, whether that was a pleasant one or not is a different story. But I don't even remember all the details of the other houses I used to live in in Dunedin, but I remembered his so clearly.

I'm glad my parents weren't home today. I was completely at a shock when I tried that it almost made me cry....

All those memories....

Memories

Sometimes we all get trapped within our memories, and wish that things were different, or we did something different back then. But then sometimes, we open our old book of memory and realize something you've forgotten about.

I only remembered today that my chat software has an automatic save for all the chats from the past.

And it was a strange surprise to find out that myself and EuroTraining was still in touch even in good terms right up almost til the day that we ended all our connections.

I still remember being scared of seeing him each time we did. And I remember more of bad memories than good memories that I had with him. I hardly can remember the nice things he used to do for me, and now I feel a bit embarrassed for it. I know a lot of the times, he didn't mean the stuff he did, and he was good to me. Otherwise I would never have considered marrying him at any stage. But I stopped wondering about "what if things are different".

I was recently translating a script for a friend, and it was about a man who lost his girl friend and got stuck in trap of time, not wanting to create new memories because of this one conversation he had with her

"If we have a capacity of how much memories we can have, then the more new memories we create, more it overwrites the old and erases them".

So he refused to change his lifestlye so he will not forget about her.

I think my life after EuroTraining left me is a bit like that. But now I am glad that we have an ability to forget so we can move on.

My old boss told me one day about this man who remembers 100% of his memories, and how he cannot forget anything even if he had wished. And after he broke up with his only girlfriend he ever had, he couldn't get over it. Because his memories are still fresh, and still raw. It still gives him pain 30 years on about the moment she left him, just as if it was only yesterday. And for him, it just feels like that.

I'm thankful I'm not like that. Despite the fact that yes, he may have been the man of my life, I enjoy my life the way it is right now. I got to meet all these great friends I have now because I did not go on the same path with him.

There are things you sometimes only learn because you are no longer in the relationship. These days I wonder if I'll ever meet a man to spend rest of my life with, but I may also be happy even if I didn't. With all these amazing friends that I have all over the world.

I guess I am a little emotional today, but it doesn't hurt to be trapped in old lost memories once in a while. It is everything that made me the person that I am today.

"It's easy to take off all your clothes and have sex.
People do it all the time.
But opening up your soul to someone,
Letting them into your spirit, thoughts, fears,
future, hopes, dreams ....
That's being naked .... ♥ ~"

By Rumi


My friend shared this quote on facebook today, and I totally loved it, and agreed with it. 


As we grow older, what used to be so important to us no longer become as important anymore.


I still remember the first time I held a hand of my first boyfriend, first time we kissed, first time we spent the morning together.....


I had a time in my past that I can't be proud of myself for doing so, having different partners just coz I wanted some company. I just wanted someone to love me, and tell me that I worth something, and sex just came along with it. 


But I remember when I got back on my own two feet, and met a boy that I could love again, I remember how special it felt, how happy it made me feel, just having that one kiss, and be held in his arms. The back boning moments, and heart off in the stars flying everywhere. Special feeling like that does not come by with having a sex with a person you only know so little about. 


Kissing a person is not that hard, and having sex with someone is not that hard either. But showing who you are, to the people you are 100% comfortable with, can be a rare opportunity. But if you are one of those fortunate people that does have a friend or a partner you could share yourself and be as naked as yourself like that, then keep it. They worth more than anything in your life. 


Some that you truly care about, are the people that you want to share not only the happy moments but sad moments too. People that will cry with you coz you are sad, people that will smile for you just coz you are happy. I don't believe anyone can live by themselves, like is too beautiful to waste like that.


Now the other day, a friend of mine, Bryan posted this on his blog


"Have you ever risked something important to yourself for something that was unimportant to yourself? How did it turn out? Did you enjoy the experience? And if you have never done it, would you ever do it?"


I love having conversations like this with my friends. It's a type of conversations I have with some of my very close friends on a random occasion at any of the day, especially with a cup of hot drink on sunny warm day (so typical of dunedin, hot drinks are always an essential even on a nice day!). 


Now I had to think about this for a while, and I think it's all about what you consider important in this world, like for instance, if importance is dependent on what is required in your life in order for myself to live, then things like dancing, which I love to bottom of my life, can still be unimportant. I think I can stop dancing any day if I wanted to, but I just choose not to coz I like dancing. And my friends will always mean a lot to me, but I'm not going to deny now that I've used dancing as an excuse and ditched a few events before.


My life in NZ was perfect, with friends I loved, in a country that I loved, that is definitely something that is important to my life. But then I left all that behind to go to Singapore, to have a "stable job". It may be important, but then looking back now, having a "good" job is nothing as important as having a happy lifestyle. In that case, is it considered that I made a risk of something important for something not important? But then coming back to Japan now this time around is incredibly much easier than when I came here 2 years ago. I'm more confident with moving myself around, and talking to people. I was even lost to shop around last time, and got lost if I had wanted to try anything at the shop or ask a question, and I'm def more comfortable using Japanese. So at the end of the day, the life in Singapore is an important experience that was necessarily for me to go through despite how crap the time over there was.


And then there is also an occasion, when once again in my rather shame-less year, I risked my friendship over a night of comfort. I deliberately kept away from my friends and told about it to none so they won't let go of me, but at the end of the day, I knew I was doing something I can never tell my parents about,  and will not be too happy to tell my friends either. Yet I still keep on doing it just for the little selfishness of keeping myself a bit happy.


So the question of which Bryan had asked, is all dependent on how you look at thing, my personal opinion is that there is nothing in this time that is "unimportant". It's just that some things are little more meaningful to you than another. What we should be more considerate is what is most important to us and keep that to our hearts, give us daily reminders about how fortunate we are to have something that means so much to us.


Be it friends, families, partners, pets, or little memories.


Nothing in this life is meaningless, everyday should be lived to maximize the opportunities that was given to us. 

On The Jet Plane, A Far Far Away.....

So so, I’ve finally made my escape.  Out of the country that I wanted to leave since the day 1 of being on that country. I guess that’s not TOO true. I was excited once, about being in Singapore, but only for 1 week, and not much longer.

Last 2 weeks in Singapore has been the best time I’ve had over my whole time over there. I had amazing friends that I wanted to hang around with, and pushing everything I needed to do aside so I can! Late night dinners, chats, sheesha, any excuse to keep on hanging around really. It kind of felt like I was back in NZ again, driving around on a car, having dinner at friend’s, just watching a movie or playing games at friend’s are some of the things that was not possible at all other non-local friend’s place. Ah the joy of “no visitors allowed” owners.

I was wondering what it would be like to come back to Japan again. After being in Singapore, I def got used to the city life, whether I like it or not.  And now being in Japan once again, it doesn’t feel any different to being in Singapore. Actually, Singapore might be better in a way that it was safer to walk around and no parents to stop me from taking risks.

Oh do I miss the dancing til 2am and the late night suppers already. I’ve been looking up dancing venues to go to when I can get the opportunity to go to, and it looks like I got 2 choices at the moment

1) No dancing at all

2) Take 2 hours trip per way to go out just for a dance.

Well, 2 hours seems like it’ll worth it at the moment. Considering the fact that my parents will NEVER let me go to the one that I could reach in less than an hour. Damn it.

I already miss the WCS every night. I can’t even dance in the house at the moment oz of how bloody cold it is. I’m struggling to even WALK in the house. And you think Singapore doesn’t have enough land space for houses, but JAPAN? Oh man, the size of the houses over here!!!! I honestly wonder how in the hell the family of 4 can live here permanently. Therefore, dancing space is becoming rather hard to gather. I miss the feeling of the dance floor, the full length mirrors, EVERYTHIGN about dancing. And this is only day 3 in Japan.

Good golly, how am I going to live for the next 4 months?

Jealousy

It's stupid to feel jealousy towards pro dancers.

They have more than a bit of experience than you, and talent than you, and spent more hours practicing than you.

Yet I can't stop wishing that I could dance like them, blasting the floor.

For me, dancing better is not to show off (well, most of the time), but it's about having to do ANYTHING that I want to do exactly the way I imagined in my mind or even better.

But also, there is a part of me that can't tolerate being just an average dancer again. I want to be better, I want to be the girl that everyone want to watch again.

I want to stand in fornt of the mirror, and practice my moves again.

I want critiques.

I want the adrenalines of the competitions.

I want to be out there again.

I want to live the life of my other dream.

I WANT TO DANCE

Ceroc

For all my dancing life, I absolutely endured Ceroc. I just couldn't think of a life without dancing ceroc.

I also do love bachata, but it was a completely different world when compared to Ceroc. Ceroc was a social dancing, and to dance with anyone. Bachata was to melt myself into the music and fall in love all again.

Yet, looking at those clips from ceroc, my heart doesn't pounder anymore. The oohs and ahhs and the glamours I used to see in ceroc is not there anymore. When I get back onto the dance floor, there is still no other dancing that puts me on a high as much as ceroc does.

I can jump, I can fly, I can slide, I can do anything.

Yet, there is part of me that wants to more. I want to be up there with the professionals.



Dancing is still my hobby, but dancing in a little island isn't enough anymore. I want more.

Dancing WCS and Salsa and bachata, they all taught me that you need technicalities to dance better. Just having a passions is not enough. Ceroc may be free, but that also means there are no basics. Seeing Chuck Brown in real life really doesn't help either. Even the way he warms up, you can tell instantly the difference between any Cerocers, and triggers my want for being better.

knowing that I can hit the beat better, knowing that I can feel the music better than those teachers on those dvd's that I used to admire, I am being more and more greedy.

I wish I had a partner again. I wish that I had a partner that can read every moves that I want.

I want to be out there, to burn the floor once again.

I look back at the piles of my old Ceroc notes of moves. And remember those days that manhattan was a pretty and an awesome move, and swan dip was a extremely hard execution. I wonder where those days has gone....

But am I wanting to be better to be on the top for Ceroc? I don't know... I truly don't know.....

Confused

Sometimes, I wish things were as clear as black and white.

I wish we didn't had to make decisions, or given decisions to make choices.

Sometimes I deliberately make mistakes knowing it's a mistake.

But I still keep on making false choices.

I thought I made my decision when I left NZ that I won't make the same mistake again. But yet, I make same mistake over and over.

I thought part of growing up is that you learn from your own mistakes.

But I guess I still choose to make mistakes to not teach myself.....

A Little Lonely

A lot of the times, I'm happy living my life.

Having good friends, having good company and having a loving family. I really can't ask for more.

Yet, I miss you.

I miss you a lot.

When I'm with my friends, I'm ok.

But when I get an email from you to find out that I missed you again, I can't help feeling the hollowness in my heart.

I want to see you, I want to kiss you, I want to be in your arms.

I don't know when I get to see you again.

And all I want to do is to wake up in your arms everyday.

I miss you, I miss you, I miss you....

Mr. P

A man gets off the mrt, with a bouquet of roses in his arms. I imagine who his lucky girl may look like....

 As I sat down in the mrt, and then I see a man on my left, sitting right in middle of two seats, hogging both of them. Then I see a ring on his finger and imagine what kind of unlucky girl he got hold of.....

I got an email today, a colleague from the chocolate factory. We used to have big times back then. Drinks almost every weekend and partied hard in every occasion. We did some "off" stuff together too. like going to watch the cage fighting right up at front seat, going for a drive to Wanaka to see the Birds over Wanaka (a warbird air show), and trip to bluff oyster festival. I won't deny that I did have a little crush on him back then. But we were to much of a

"eeeeew workmates????"

to give it a chance.

Just plain "P" is what we used to call him. It def helped me cos his full name was too hard to pronounce when I first heard!! And how awkward/funny it was to work beside him when he became my manager, and how hard it was to not call him "P" at work anymore.... Good memories though.

The OompaLoompa and I used to give him crap about how he gets "beer goggles". His lady of his dreams were a tall slender model like lady, high demanding to keep him company and tall enough to match his height. But with the goggles on..... Yeah, no comment!!

I knew he had a serious gf before and we even spotted him with her over and over with her even after they broke up. And he used to say

"there is nobody in the world like her, she is the only person that I ever wanted".

He def loved her with all he had. Minus his love and devotion for his work which ruined their relationship!

But yes, this man called "P", I was so happy to receive a news that he is getting married. And getting married next month!! And so typically of him to decide to invite me when it's only 2.5 weeks away!! Only if I was still in Singapore it was before I booked my departure flight then I would have given him a straight yes!!

He is one heck of a great man (and nice looks, and god damn on my spot perfume preference!! And how torturing it was to have meeting with him in a small room!!), and I can't be happier about this great news.

Yet I feel a little sad for the sake that another one of my ex-always a free spirit single friend is going to be on a leash....!

Def not a jealousy as such like "I wanted you!!" but more like a girl who got her teddies taken off her. I do love him, but def 100% as a good friend, and it feels a little lonely to know that he does have his own life and he's going forwards!!

Either way, CONGRATULATIONS Mr.P!

Misunderstanding

Ever since day 1 of work, my impressions of my workmates were that they were scared of me. They treated me like a zoo animal, and wasn't too sure what to do with me or how to treat me. They won't make an eye contact, they will talk to eachother before they will talk to me, they won't talk to you about anything but will happily chit chat away, ignoring you.

I tried to communicate, I tried to engage, I tried to make myself accepted. But nothing worked.

First of all, for those of you who have never heard of Singlish before, Singlish is a very hard sounding language. It is not English, but it is Singlish. The basic rule is to drop every word except the main key word and use the most simplest words possible. And some words are used in the context that is never used in any English speaking country. For example, the word "NEVER" is often and too often used in the wrong context. My boss came up to me and said

"Himawari, why you never clean up"

but what this really means is

"Himawari, you still haven't cleaned up the element after you used it" (which I used to cook lunch and missed a spot".

The word NEVER according to Oxford English dictionary, it means

adverb

1at no time in the past or future; not ever:

2not at all:

Which is same as my understanding of the English word never. But over here, is used too frequently in forms of "not yet" or "still have not" or just plain "didn't ". Another example being "Why you never wash?" which means "Why didn't you clean?". Although I am slowly learning Singlish wether to my liking or not, I still do get annoyed if someone stomps up at me and tells me "why you never clean up". I do clean up, and I did clean up, I just missed a spot. But does the words need to be so sharp tongued?

So anyway, apparently my colleagues thought that "Accepting" the difference is a good way to to go. So they just "accepted" my behaviour which may be normal to me but offensive to them, an and "accepted" any use of language they don't understand, and expected me to do the same. Well now the problem with this "accepting" is that the core is not solved at all. Because they "accept", I don't know that they don't understand, and even if I did know, if they give me responses like

"oh ok"

And end of story, I don't bother interacting after a while, coz I don't see the point in the end. They say I am too straight forward, and I say they wind the road so much that I just wanna say

"So what's your point?"

And we did exactly that tonight.

No yelling, no shouting, but pure honesty. And she feels so relieved that that she finally got to say it out loud, and I finally feel relieved that they do have a mouth to say anything.

It makes me laugh in a way that they thought I would feel "accepted" if they don't talk to me or talk back to me or feel happy if they just talk together very very friendly to eachother and boring plain manners to me. I wanted to engage to my colleagues in the ways of "all excuses excused". I do have a snarky sense of humor, and I don't show it at work, that's coz I know that with their english skills, they will take it as an offense,  or too much slang. That is my way of "accepting" them. I don't try and make things awkward. I don't rub them in my face that my English is better, or the fact that there is a better world out there, or the fact about how crap he life style is over here.

I don't know how many times I've told them to say what they want to say, or try and communicate if you want to have another view, and it took them bloody 11 months and an late night OT to the point they don't give a crap, and myself having 2 weeks left so they really don't give a crap about how ugly things will turn out at the end, to finally get some honest opinion. And it's so god damn easier to work now that we got everything down on the table.

I only wish that this happened back in May, when I first came back from Jakarta. Then maybe I would have liked Singapore a little more. I still absolutely hate the English here, and it sounds rude, but I could have gotten over that only if I had a good company.

"WHAT DO YOU WANT?" (How can I help?)
"WHY YOU NEED?" (how quickly do you need them?)
"YOU WANT OR NOT?" (would you like some?)
"ARGH? WHY YOU TAKE?" (Sorry, but this is for something/someone else)
"aGL)?!ete´®®˚µœø√ˆ©¥ƒ∂πP('(+Oæπø¥¡©N(&R#)'$U&??" (What ever they are saying in Mandarin)
*The capital letters are used, as they like to emphasize and say these words in the bluntest way possible in life

Singlish, I will hate you for life, but finally, 8 days before my last day of work, day 329 Since I started work, I finally feel like I can like my work.

Count Down Time Once Again

It's scary to think that I will be leaving this country in less than a month time. And only 2 weeks of working left. The latter, is going to be no more than a relief for sure.

So many thing has happened in this place.

Starting with something little like living in apartments for the first time in my life, and how excited I was when I came and felt quite comfortable that I was now living in a country where I am no longer a minority.

I definitely had some bad impressions of work from the first day. The director who does not even introduce or greet herself, and makes orders by moving her chin, just like how the higher authorities used to do to the servants and the slaves back in the day. I didn't even get  introduced fully to the staffs, and got expected to do everything myself.

Then the 2 month in Jakarta, how scared I was before I left and how much I loved the place by the time I left. It is the place where not the words but the heart of the people that made me love the place. ChikiHapi and the Mamas made me so so comfortable, taking me out to dancing and what not. Although that place is unsafe, dirty, and VERY unhygienic, I still prefer it than the life in Singapore. It has humanities that Singapore doesn't have.

When I came back, I had a vague hope that I will get on with other staff members better, now that I feel more relaxed about the work environment in general. But it didn't change anything. They still didn't want to accept me, or respect me. And it really didn't help me that I got forced into doing QC/QA despite my hatred against that role, for a whole 3 month. I didn't get talked to, or got invited to anything, can't even joke or talk in my normal speed coz nobody understands the accent, nor did they ask anything when they don't understand. I told them that I was going on a holiday, entering a competition, how things are different in Singapore when compared to NZ, but nobody wanted to ask or say anything more than "oh, ok". I forced myself to think that it was coz I was in the QC room the whole day that they don't talk to me, but hardly anything changed even after I returned to R&D. And not to forget those lonely lunchtimes when they would put my portion of food on my desk so I didn't really get the chance to join everyone else. And to be told that I am a loner, coz of my faults, I may appear strong on the outside but I still do get hurt. Looking back now, I still don't know how I could have done differently, and I don't think there was anything I could have done.

It has been a constant battle of my personal place of belonging the whole time I lived here. To re-state the person called myself. It was a cruciating battle to find a balance between being a "Japanese" but being a "kiwi" at the same time. The solution at the end was very simple, I am me, end of story. I knew too much about Japan and the culture and the life there to ignore when other people makes false statement about that place. Yet, I couldn't appreciate when people expect that I am no kiwi coz I look like an Asian and vice versa.

I appreciate everything that my parents did for us, and to think back how boring my life would have been if we had a "normal" life and never leaving Japan. I am still proud of my heritage, but 1 thing I have concluded out of this is that I am going to drop my Japanese citizenship when I return to NZ. I want to be a kiwi heart and soul.

 

I think Singapore is an extremely handy city to live. Not too expensive, and not too cheap, good transport and safety. Daddy asked me one day when I visited him

"what do you like about Singapore?"

I couldn't answer. But at the same time, I wouldn't have had much less things to say if he asked me

"what is it that you really don't like about Singapore?"

There is nothing in this place would be correct answer. No bright future, no big plans, but instead you can get the stable constant safe future. But that's not enough to satisfy me I guess.

I had my last dance at En Motion studio today. Despite how much I complain about the crap quality of the music, I still went there almost every month for the bachata nights. And some nights, I totally rocked the floor, including tonight. I'm glad there isn't much here that I'm going to miss. It makes my departure much easier.

Clean clear, and no regrets.

A scene like this is going to be the thing of a past soon. Something I've seen few times a week, and most definitely every weekend.

No more casual going out until midnight and catching public transport back. The late night busses and mrt has been rather useful, especially when I was coming back from another country. Oh how much I got lost at the beginning, but soon, everything will be about the past life and not the current. It is time to move along once again. But the thought of getting back into the inconvenient life gain, I can't wait for it.

People I love

Some people in my life made me cry,

Some people in my life made me laugh,

Some people in my life made me smile,

And some people I can never repay or be thankful enough for being my friend.

This is what I learnt in my 1 year in Singapore, and I will never forget.

Especially JJ, Poet, Daddy, Frenzi and MadScientist, they made me stronger when I was at my weakest. I know for sure that myself today would not exist without any of these amazing friends.

This year, I hope everything will be better and brighter, a new future. 1 year older and 1 year wiser.

May the year of 2012 be filled with joy and laughter for everyone I love.

Thank you to everyone for being my friend and continuing being my friend.