Butterfly in my stomach

It's been about 1 year and 3 weeks since I've been "official" with the Sargent. And I can't control the butterfly in my stomach.

At times, I feel like I want to punch for his childish immature behaviour, but rest of the time. I'm just so happy.

I won't deny that there has been days I had my doubts. But at the moment, it's making it harder by day and night to not tell him I want to have a family with him.

The status of "marriage" means nothing to him, and being in a box scares me from time to time. But if he was to get down on his knees tomorrow, I would sign the paper on the day.

I'm not fussed on the big beautiful wedding, although I do fancy wearing a wedding dress. But I'm more excited to bear his child, and nurture them in my home.

I can see now why men are afraid of "commitment". I suppose girls are less result focused, and tend to tackle on the problem as it comes. Although the Sargent makes me feel the opposite in our role, where I'm the one who's afraid of being in a "box" of unknown. But having a relationship with someone who sees an indefinite future is nothing like being in a relationship based purely on personal preference. Whether it be sexual or hobby.

Family is a unit, it is not about who we are or what similarity we have as a person. It is a commitment to overcome any issues we may face.

The doctor and I had so many similarities in preference, and I can't ask for anyone better to have "fun", and I can't quite describe it any other way, but he makes me happy by always keeping me busy. Whereas the Sargent makes me happy by grounding me.

My butterfly may have taken it's time to come out of it's cocoon, but I can confidently say, that I cannot be happier about my life.

Transition

I never understood the words that the Dr. Always said to me.

I never could understand why he wanted to be alone.

I never wanted to understand the way he lived.

Until now, when I was put in a same position.

I never have thought that I would say the same words he never said to me. The only difference is, I still think I would have said something different if I knew that I should never let the person in front of me go.

I wished souch that when I cut you off, that you would think of me more.

I wished that you will appreciate my company.

And that you would come back to me.

And at the end of the day, you did. You went through everything that I wished you would go through.

Yet, nothing changed in the end.

Here I am, away and separate and still in love with you.

And you on the other side, feeling the same. But the distance between us does not change.

Like you told me from day one, you are still the way you are. And now I know that at every step of the way, I had every right to step away from it all, and it was me who let him be the way he was. If I wanted him to change, I had to change too, I shouldn't have just waited for him to change. Coz we know what the result would be for that case.

At the end of the day, I still love you. And I hope you do too.

"you don't know what you got til it's gone"

It's well said, but I never though I'd be the one who would feel like that although I'm the one who got dumped.

Now that you're far, I really notice now that you did care for me, and loved me, in a special way that you do.

But I never realised it til now, because it was the way you always treated me right from the beginning.

Because you always treated me in that way, I thought you're like that to all your friends.

But now I can see that I was wrong.

You did try your best out of the crap situations.

You were there for me when I was in need of help.

You were always so supportive of me.

What more did I want?


But I did want more. I wanted to be with someone that loves me all the time, not only at time when he's free. Someone to walk beside me. Someone to share my life with.

And he did do the right thing, if he's not ready or feel right to do so, it was the best to leave.

But it still leaves me with me an hollow heat, that only can be filled with him.

I miss the traces of you that doesn't exist anymore.


I was so blind on how much you cared for me, that I no longer saw the good sides of you.


I wonder sometimes, that I should just let everything go. No contact, no nothing, just so it'll be easier....

If he doesn't exist, then I don't know. And I won't get hurt.

Can I remove you from facebook? I don't want to know your life anymore. Because I know that one day, sooner than I would ever want to, there will be that special girl, in your special space, where I wanted to be.

It's a sad reality that facebook is counted as an official mode of communication. But it is, its the easiest announcement to the public, including those that you don't care.

I feel like I should deactivate the account, so I'm no longer bothered. And all those people I do care about, they are already connect to me one way or another.

Maybe it is an option when I move. new life, new location, new start.

I need to forget about you. I love you too much.

The Power of Social Network

I've decided to make Sunday night the cell phone and social network free day.

The problem with social network is that it's a waste of time. It seriously is.

It's as bad as watching tv.

The time passes without doing much.

As much as I love having friends, and chatting friends, there are day that I have to say STOP to this social network madness.

When I start looking 1 thing on net, I want to look at another, and then another and so on...

I've forced myself to not think, do something mindless, and stop caring about technology (minus blogging, this is different).

And how much I feel better now.

The whole 2 weeks, I've been on the social network less and less. Just because I didn't want to know that you were online, and had enough time to play games, but you still decided that writing one line of

"Hi"

or

"Good morning, I hope you have a good day"

is too much.

I'm sick of waiting already. I know this isn't part of the deal, but even as a friend, I feel like crap.

she said to me

"maybe it's time to let go"

And there is part of me that agrees with her. I don't know how I feel about him. I don't have much faith in him coz of what happened last time. And whether I'm doing this now because of me doing an unfinished business or simply coz my heart tells me to.

Poet asked me before

"how do you always get into these situations?"

He was referring to something else, but I can relate this into that too. And I simply don't know.

And how I wish for once, I want to be with someone who simply loves me.

Butterflies

I have a butterfly in my stomach telling me everything that I should be fluttering in the air.

Instead, I'm pretending that I'm not.

But secretly, in my dreams, I always am.

Sharing is Caring

Having someone you care close by doesn't just mean you get to share every moment with them.

It's not just about the cuddles, it's not just about the kisses,  it's about everything.

I missed you today when I was making the cookies.

I missed you today when I realised I didn't have some to tell how delicious the strawberries are, or the fact that I can't ask you if you want to taste one.

I thought I would be ok with not seeing you so frequent thing, but I guess at times like this, I wish I was never alone.

I definitely need to get a car, and I definitely have to find a way to occupy myself.

I don't want to be a burden to you, whether this works out or not. I still want to be your friend, on your side, when you are in smile or when you are in tears.

I am going to be the strong girl that I'm not.

But right now, I wish you were here to share the strawberries with me....

Memories

Sometimes we all get trapped within our memories, and wish that things were different, or we did something different back then. But then sometimes, we open our old book of memory and realize something you've forgotten about.

I only remembered today that my chat software has an automatic save for all the chats from the past.

And it was a strange surprise to find out that myself and EuroTraining was still in touch even in good terms right up almost til the day that we ended all our connections.

I still remember being scared of seeing him each time we did. And I remember more of bad memories than good memories that I had with him. I hardly can remember the nice things he used to do for me, and now I feel a bit embarrassed for it. I know a lot of the times, he didn't mean the stuff he did, and he was good to me. Otherwise I would never have considered marrying him at any stage. But I stopped wondering about "what if things are different".

I was recently translating a script for a friend, and it was about a man who lost his girl friend and got stuck in trap of time, not wanting to create new memories because of this one conversation he had with her

"If we have a capacity of how much memories we can have, then the more new memories we create, more it overwrites the old and erases them".

So he refused to change his lifestlye so he will not forget about her.

I think my life after EuroTraining left me is a bit like that. But now I am glad that we have an ability to forget so we can move on.

My old boss told me one day about this man who remembers 100% of his memories, and how he cannot forget anything even if he had wished. And after he broke up with his only girlfriend he ever had, he couldn't get over it. Because his memories are still fresh, and still raw. It still gives him pain 30 years on about the moment she left him, just as if it was only yesterday. And for him, it just feels like that.

I'm thankful I'm not like that. Despite the fact that yes, he may have been the man of my life, I enjoy my life the way it is right now. I got to meet all these great friends I have now because I did not go on the same path with him.

There are things you sometimes only learn because you are no longer in the relationship. These days I wonder if I'll ever meet a man to spend rest of my life with, but I may also be happy even if I didn't. With all these amazing friends that I have all over the world.

I guess I am a little emotional today, but it doesn't hurt to be trapped in old lost memories once in a while. It is everything that made me the person that I am today.

The Love Game

You know you want it, but you don't wanna show it.

Guys always want the things that are harder to get.

I tried to be a snob tonight, and waited for you to contact me instead of me trying to catch you for change. I just wanted to see that you weren't trying to avoid me or feeling awkward. And I got sad when I knew that you were online but didn't talk to me.

Until I got an email.

Turns out he was looking for me, but internet decided to hide me so he thought I was out.

I'm struggling to live only being able to talk 1 night a week. Although you send me an email almost every single morning.

I remember starting off like this when I was still in Jakarta. When the only time it suited us was Monday nights. And the unstable internet connection limiting our dates constantly.

Compared to back then, I can't complain about it. You send me messages constantly, and close enough to have a marvelous time when I visited. You care for me in the way that I want you to. But I'm still being greedy.

Will I be happy if I get what I want in the end?

I hope so, coz I don't want to be a bitch.

I'm a me monster. You already fill my life, but I want to fill your life too.

Back to Zero Again

I was starting to like living in Singapore, life over here in general. Having good company, having a challenging job, having a good hobby like traveling.

But I'm not so sure again.

I had a marvelous time in Korea. It's true that it was a very short time, but I should be glad it was so short, coz it would have made it harder if it was longer.

Until I got there, I kept going over and over and over about the moment when I see you. And when I finally got to see you, you didn't fail to beat my expectation. We hugged, and hugged and smiled at each other like we've been separated for decades. We met up at his work, I had to wait for 30min before his final class finished. While I waited, the girls at the reception told me how much Daddy was looking forward to my visit, and how jittery he's been all day. It made me smile.

We went for very late night shopping to make some supper, I can't explain the hilarity of this tall Daddy Long Legs standing in the tiny Asian kitchen, trying to cook. And it even get's better as the dinner was ready - he brought out the fold out table!!! Oh the small things that makes me laugh. We spent til the late hours of the morning talking to each other, even the weekly skype catch up wasn't enough to make us run out of things to talk. But we did eventually fell asleep into each other's arms.

The weekend just flew passed, we just cherished each other's company. We laughed, we talked, we danced. Nothing was that special, but doing something together just made it special. Being in the area where he spends his time. Being in the room that he relaxes. Being in the city that he lives in, every little thing made it special.

We held to each other until we had to separate. Even if we have a same feeling, there are something things in life that it can't work. And you just need to accept it. And whether I like it or not, this is one of them. As Daddy and myself always say "something are just meant to happen". Another words, if we are meant to be together, we will be together one day, but if we aren't meant to be together, then I'll just need to keep on walking, just like I've done til now.

But ever since I've been back in Singapore, it's hitting me again. The endless feeling of loneliness. I have good friends, I have a pretty good work. I have a roof over my head and stable income. What else should I ask for? But I can't help it to miss home. I miss my family and miss my friends. I've managed to ignore the loneliness of not having someone in bed, having to eat dinner alone, going out to shopping alone, moving on in life with my own two feet. But it doesn't take much to bring me down.

I don't want to be reliant on you, coz it's not fair. I've seen and experienced how the life treats you over in your country, yet you still appreciate your experience, and tells me how much you like Korea. I admire your strength. I know I can't do the same if I was in your position. You make me feel like a whining baby, screaming for nothing. I always wish for things that I do not have. A big heart like yours.

I shouldn't be complaining, I chose this life. I can end it any day if I want to. I know I can, but really, can I?

I just need to get back into the rhythm again and kill my feelings I think. It's the only way for me to keep on moving. I know I can do this.

Past

It is always weird meeting new people that knows my past.  Although I am not that fussed about it anymore, it still makes me feel like I have to behave myself just in case the stories get to your ears.

I like my memories of you at the end, but it's not all about fun too, like any relationship.

I like to leave my memories how it is, it is in a beautiful frame, hanged and untouched, and it should be left that way.

Why does it feel like a sin to talk about your lost loved ones? You still made a mark on my life in a good way and a bad way. And it will be a lie that if I ever tell anyone about you, it is only about a positive matter.

I still remember your last words.

"You keep on moving, and live your life. I want to see you achieving your dream. Stay proud of who you are, and remember that you are 1 special person, and never ever change".

When I meet people who are still in contact with you, or is possible to be in touch with you, I feel the need to prove to them that I am still living proud, so if you ever ask, they can tell you that you can be proud of me, with or without you.

I'm definitely not trying to be a bitch saying "I'm better off without you", but I want you to feel that it was the right choice that we broke up. I know you are the one who made the decision in the end, but if having my dream is the cause of our failure, then it is only I to blame.  But because "we" no longer happens, I want you to know that you made a right choice for me.

Shit happens in this world, but this shit, it was definitely meant to happen.

Where are you?

"Ooh I need your love babe,
Guess you know it's true.
Hope you need my love babe,
Just like I need you,Ooo.

Hold me, love me, hold me, love me.
I ain't got nothin' but love babe,
Eight days a week.

Love you ev'ry day girl,
Always on my mind.
One thing I can say girl,
Love you all the time,ooh


Hold me, love me, hold me, love me.
I ain't got nothin' but love girl,
Eight days a week.

Eight days a week
I love you.
Eight days a week
Is not enough to show I care.

Ooh I need your love babe,
Guess you know it's true.
Hope you need my love babe,
Just like I need you.

Hold me, love me, hold me, love me.
I ain't got nothin' but love babe,
Eight days a week.

Eight days a week
I love you.
Eight days a week
Is not enough to show I care.

Love you ev'ry day girl,
Always on my mind.
One thing I can say girl,
Love you all the time.

Hold me, love me, hold me, love me.
I ain't got nothin' but love babe,
Eight days a week,
Eight days a week,
Eight days a week"


~THE BEATLES, EIGHT DAYS A WEEK


If there is a person out there who cares for me like this, please come out, coz I'm sick of waiting...

Sweet Memories

It's good to know that past is eventually turned into memories, some sweet memories.

I used to look at a photo of you and feel a sharp pain in my heart, telling me how that smile on that picture will never be given to me again.

But now, I look at these pictures and see a memory of the fun all times we had - including the one from the ball we got together.  I even cracked few laughs at some of them.

For once, I'm feeling fortunate that I was with you, about what a great time we had when we were together. But I'm ready to let go of you.  I can slowly start deleting the photos of us 1 by 1, until eventually, there are only photos of us as a friend and none as a couple. Photos are great ways to keep memories, but some are supposed to be kept in our hearts, not as a physical matter.  I know in my heart that "we" existed, but there is no need to prove that we were.


Maybe I am ready for a new character in my life, if someone comes along the way. If nobody doesn't come? well, I still have my second love - dancing.

Bastard

Bastard.

I'm sorry, but there are times in my life I utterly have to bad mouth.  And that time is right now.

It's not the greatest feeling in the world that the man I once loved so much regrets breaking up with me, when he's the one who decided to end our relationship.

I was about to dedicate my life to this man.  I love him so much to the point that I wanted to spend rest of my life with him.   He is the one who want to end it, and took off wanting his "freedom".

I did not want to know that his current girlfriend who he left me for is very beautiful, and that is the only good thing about her.  It is not greatest thing to hear that I'm not as pretty as her but I have all other qualities.  It's like being told "you're wife material but not girlfriend".

I'm sick of guys leaving with the words

"You will find a man a lot better than me"

If everyone leaves me with the same word, then it's no longer a compliment.  It's just a bitch.  Why can't I chose who I want to be with.  If you can't take the responsibility to tell me that you don't want to be with me, don't tell me the crap that you don't mean.

Even knowing that it was better off for me that I am no longer with him, it still hurts to think about him.

I GAVE UP MY DREAM FOR YOU

I WAS GOING TO DEDICATE MY LIFE TO YOU

I LOVED YOU WITH ALL MY HEART, I LOVED YOU FOR WHO YOU ARE, AND NOTHING ELSE.

The sad thing is, rather than being in the mindset of "haha, it's too late if you just realised what you've lost, coz you ain't good for me", I'm still hurt by finding this out.  I thought  2 years is a long enough time for me to heal my wounds, but it turns out that his being is like a permanent scar or tatoo on my heart.

Bastard, that's what you are.