Misunderstanding

Ever since day 1 of work, my impressions of my workmates were that they were scared of me. They treated me like a zoo animal, and wasn't too sure what to do with me or how to treat me. They won't make an eye contact, they will talk to eachother before they will talk to me, they won't talk to you about anything but will happily chit chat away, ignoring you.

I tried to communicate, I tried to engage, I tried to make myself accepted. But nothing worked.

First of all, for those of you who have never heard of Singlish before, Singlish is a very hard sounding language. It is not English, but it is Singlish. The basic rule is to drop every word except the main key word and use the most simplest words possible. And some words are used in the context that is never used in any English speaking country. For example, the word "NEVER" is often and too often used in the wrong context. My boss came up to me and said

"Himawari, why you never clean up"

but what this really means is

"Himawari, you still haven't cleaned up the element after you used it" (which I used to cook lunch and missed a spot".

The word NEVER according to Oxford English dictionary, it means

adverb

1at no time in the past or future; not ever:

2not at all:

Which is same as my understanding of the English word never. But over here, is used too frequently in forms of "not yet" or "still have not" or just plain "didn't ". Another example being "Why you never wash?" which means "Why didn't you clean?". Although I am slowly learning Singlish wether to my liking or not, I still do get annoyed if someone stomps up at me and tells me "why you never clean up". I do clean up, and I did clean up, I just missed a spot. But does the words need to be so sharp tongued?

So anyway, apparently my colleagues thought that "Accepting" the difference is a good way to to go. So they just "accepted" my behaviour which may be normal to me but offensive to them, an and "accepted" any use of language they don't understand, and expected me to do the same. Well now the problem with this "accepting" is that the core is not solved at all. Because they "accept", I don't know that they don't understand, and even if I did know, if they give me responses like

"oh ok"

And end of story, I don't bother interacting after a while, coz I don't see the point in the end. They say I am too straight forward, and I say they wind the road so much that I just wanna say

"So what's your point?"

And we did exactly that tonight.

No yelling, no shouting, but pure honesty. And she feels so relieved that that she finally got to say it out loud, and I finally feel relieved that they do have a mouth to say anything.

It makes me laugh in a way that they thought I would feel "accepted" if they don't talk to me or talk back to me or feel happy if they just talk together very very friendly to eachother and boring plain manners to me. I wanted to engage to my colleagues in the ways of "all excuses excused". I do have a snarky sense of humor, and I don't show it at work, that's coz I know that with their english skills, they will take it as an offense,  or too much slang. That is my way of "accepting" them. I don't try and make things awkward. I don't rub them in my face that my English is better, or the fact that there is a better world out there, or the fact about how crap he life style is over here.

I don't know how many times I've told them to say what they want to say, or try and communicate if you want to have another view, and it took them bloody 11 months and an late night OT to the point they don't give a crap, and myself having 2 weeks left so they really don't give a crap about how ugly things will turn out at the end, to finally get some honest opinion. And it's so god damn easier to work now that we got everything down on the table.

I only wish that this happened back in May, when I first came back from Jakarta. Then maybe I would have liked Singapore a little more. I still absolutely hate the English here, and it sounds rude, but I could have gotten over that only if I had a good company.

"WHAT DO YOU WANT?" (How can I help?)
"WHY YOU NEED?" (how quickly do you need them?)
"YOU WANT OR NOT?" (would you like some?)
"ARGH? WHY YOU TAKE?" (Sorry, but this is for something/someone else)
"aGL)?!ete´®®˚µœø√ˆ©¥ƒ∂πP('(+Oæπø¥¡©N(&R#)'$U&??" (What ever they are saying in Mandarin)
*The capital letters are used, as they like to emphasize and say these words in the bluntest way possible in life

Singlish, I will hate you for life, but finally, 8 days before my last day of work, day 329 Since I started work, I finally feel like I can like my work.

Count Down Time Once Again

It's scary to think that I will be leaving this country in less than a month time. And only 2 weeks of working left. The latter, is going to be no more than a relief for sure.

So many thing has happened in this place.

Starting with something little like living in apartments for the first time in my life, and how excited I was when I came and felt quite comfortable that I was now living in a country where I am no longer a minority.

I definitely had some bad impressions of work from the first day. The director who does not even introduce or greet herself, and makes orders by moving her chin, just like how the higher authorities used to do to the servants and the slaves back in the day. I didn't even get  introduced fully to the staffs, and got expected to do everything myself.

Then the 2 month in Jakarta, how scared I was before I left and how much I loved the place by the time I left. It is the place where not the words but the heart of the people that made me love the place. ChikiHapi and the Mamas made me so so comfortable, taking me out to dancing and what not. Although that place is unsafe, dirty, and VERY unhygienic, I still prefer it than the life in Singapore. It has humanities that Singapore doesn't have.

When I came back, I had a vague hope that I will get on with other staff members better, now that I feel more relaxed about the work environment in general. But it didn't change anything. They still didn't want to accept me, or respect me. And it really didn't help me that I got forced into doing QC/QA despite my hatred against that role, for a whole 3 month. I didn't get talked to, or got invited to anything, can't even joke or talk in my normal speed coz nobody understands the accent, nor did they ask anything when they don't understand. I told them that I was going on a holiday, entering a competition, how things are different in Singapore when compared to NZ, but nobody wanted to ask or say anything more than "oh, ok". I forced myself to think that it was coz I was in the QC room the whole day that they don't talk to me, but hardly anything changed even after I returned to R&D. And not to forget those lonely lunchtimes when they would put my portion of food on my desk so I didn't really get the chance to join everyone else. And to be told that I am a loner, coz of my faults, I may appear strong on the outside but I still do get hurt. Looking back now, I still don't know how I could have done differently, and I don't think there was anything I could have done.

It has been a constant battle of my personal place of belonging the whole time I lived here. To re-state the person called myself. It was a cruciating battle to find a balance between being a "Japanese" but being a "kiwi" at the same time. The solution at the end was very simple, I am me, end of story. I knew too much about Japan and the culture and the life there to ignore when other people makes false statement about that place. Yet, I couldn't appreciate when people expect that I am no kiwi coz I look like an Asian and vice versa.

I appreciate everything that my parents did for us, and to think back how boring my life would have been if we had a "normal" life and never leaving Japan. I am still proud of my heritage, but 1 thing I have concluded out of this is that I am going to drop my Japanese citizenship when I return to NZ. I want to be a kiwi heart and soul.

 

I think Singapore is an extremely handy city to live. Not too expensive, and not too cheap, good transport and safety. Daddy asked me one day when I visited him

"what do you like about Singapore?"

I couldn't answer. But at the same time, I wouldn't have had much less things to say if he asked me

"what is it that you really don't like about Singapore?"

There is nothing in this place would be correct answer. No bright future, no big plans, but instead you can get the stable constant safe future. But that's not enough to satisfy me I guess.

I had my last dance at En Motion studio today. Despite how much I complain about the crap quality of the music, I still went there almost every month for the bachata nights. And some nights, I totally rocked the floor, including tonight. I'm glad there isn't much here that I'm going to miss. It makes my departure much easier.

Clean clear, and no regrets.

A scene like this is going to be the thing of a past soon. Something I've seen few times a week, and most definitely every weekend.

No more casual going out until midnight and catching public transport back. The late night busses and mrt has been rather useful, especially when I was coming back from another country. Oh how much I got lost at the beginning, but soon, everything will be about the past life and not the current. It is time to move along once again. But the thought of getting back into the inconvenient life gain, I can't wait for it.

F****D it up BIG Time

When I woke up this morning, I was tempted to take an MC. Why? coz I was mentally and physically not recovered from over working the week before. And I had a feeling I'll f**k something up if I go to work like this.

And I did.

I already f****d up big time last week x2, and again on Monday, when people I guess should be refreshed from having a break over the weekend. But when you are at the workplace where you are not allowed to go home because everyone else is working, and you are expected to work late to "help" others if they are still working, then things really start to get out of hand. We should be able to choose how we work the best, but there is only 1 right way at my work at the moment.

I like to go home on time, so next day, I come to work refreshed, not dragging myself to it coz I have to.

I'm supposed to be working harder than ever this month and next, so I can get a tracked record of being a "good" employee. But doing the opposite at the moment. It even got to the point when my boss told me she can't keep me if I keep on f***ing up like this. In the very asian manner that is, a really long lecture that you gotta read what the point of the story is.

People def lose concentration when you're tired, and I'm at that point. It's not very often for me to be out of energy to the point I don't want to talk to anyone. And I've hit that point now. I just wanna sleep all day, spend the day in the sun, or be in the arm of a loved one, but I get none. And it's time like this I have to have a visitor, so I can't even have my own time in the weekend. And next weekend there will be another, and the weekend to follow... yeah lucky me aye.

I think MC'S should be granted to those who have mental problems, coz I would def qualify for that right now.

Things To Do List

Alright, I tend to think I know what I want and where I am going waaaaay too much more than I ACTUALLY know. And also, I also have this tendency that I figure out my position and where I stand while I talk to someone. I know, I'm just good at looking like I standing on my left two feet.

So this week was the fist week I ACTUALLY worked. It sounds pretty stupid that after a whole 7 moths that I'm finally standing on my starting line. I'm at the point of challenge that I was faced with in the chocolate factory days after a whole 7 months.

My boss at the chocolate factory used to tell me "a graduate will take half a year to train, but an experienced will take 2 moths". And guess what happened? I didn't take not only 6 month but 7 instead. It is true that my 4 months was completely wasted on QC, and I know in my mind that QC is utterly important, and it is something that someone has to do keep our trust between our business partners and us. But it's just not my thing, and that 4 months as a QC was just a WASTE. You can call it as an "experience" but it's not something I aim for or enjoy, therefore a WASTE.  And work does dominate like 80% of our lives whether we like it or not. And coz of that, it is important to like or find a point in what we do every day.

So pretty much put everything aside, I am back to month 3 of my work, and I'm FINALLY doing what I wanted to do, and doing a job which I left my loving home for. I don't want to cry about my work anymore. I want to make a mark on this country and leave. I know for a fact that this job I currently have will help me in my future career, and I'm on the stepping ladder.

So here is my things to do list before I leave this country
1. Be a professional business partner. It is not YOUR customer, but OUR business partner. I need to build a bridge of communication that everyone does not have. You provide me with the direct information of the market, and WE are going to make this happen.
2. Make a seasoning that hit the market.  So I know that I am NOT a loser, and I rely on my data, not what I like, or what I think it's the best, but what the market wants. To show that this is my CAREER, not my hobby. Nobody gives a crap what I like, but this is all about making something that sells.
3. My deadline is 1 year, if not a half.  Mr Bonus, you better watch it, coz I'm giving you all I got even if that means I have absolutely no life.

Shit work place? that's beside the point, I know I am a strong person, and I've been a wimp til now, but I'm back on my two feet, and I AM GOING TO DO THIS. France is my next stop and this is just an obstacle, but in the long time, it will be one of my step. So goodbye my life, and hello my work-a-holic presence.

I need to sleep, I want to sleep but I can't get to sleep.....

Yup, it's one of those nights!!

I actually fell asleep at about 9pm tonight for about 40min, which was probably the reason why I can't sleep right now. And it is a tad a bit hotter than usual.

I once wrote a blog about "Settling in Singapore" but then decided not to actually post it coz it was depressing.  I was just in denial about the fact that I am now in Singapore, not New Zealand, and this is now my new home.

But I don't mind it anymore. 

In fact, I'm starting to enjoy my life again.  The only thing that changed over the past couple of weeks is the fact that I moved to a new place, and now have my own space, own time, own everything.  AND I LOVE IT.

I'm happy to the point that I'm dancing with all the music I hear.

I'm happy to the point I'm looking forward to waking up each morning.

I'm happy to the point that I want to explore outside.

I'm happy to the point that i want to meet more people.

I THINK I'M FINALLY SETTLED IN

This Country Called Singapore

So it's been exactly 2 weeks since I've arrived in this country called Singapore.

I've finally got quite settled into this place, and making myself at home in Sembawang.  But 1 thing that bugs me about this country is how everyone refers as being "clean".  But what is meant by "clean"?

This country is perfectly ordered.  Every district in a way looks exactly the same.  Some HDB, some Condo, and shops.  Or just go into city for shops after shops after shops.  I wonder, does people chose to live the life they currently do or they just do it for their familiarity. It seems as though the only way to make a difference in lifestyle in this country is to have money an that's all.  In a way that's 1 thing common about Asia.  People are all exactly the same, like a perfect stamp or something.  But then saying that, the physical cleanness of this place is maintained by the labour workers.  And the difference in poverty is clear.  Even at work, people make their own group, and stay with it.  Everyone talks about "marrying a rich man" and not really believing marrying the one they love but not so rich.  And also, the people who are not from local university or developed country are secluded at lunchtime.  Not because they do any less work or anything, but they don't really get talked to much either.  

Also, I may be wrong, but this country seems to be very restricted by the government in many aspects.  And that is probably the reason why it's kept so much in order.  But then saying that, everything is about fines.  Yes, it is nice to live in a country and feeling safe.  But I feel as though I'm being watched whatever I do.

It kind of feels like I'm living in the world of Matrix.  Everything here is man made, including the waterfront.  That is one of the huge difference from being in New Zealand when there is so much greenery.

And now I'm wondering how long am I going to live in this country?

Even being in least Asian country like Singapore, I'm not too perfectly comfortable, so I don't think I'll ever survive anywhere else in Asia.  I guess I'm a banana to the core.

Oh, and I had to have a laugh last night, 1 thing I hate about Asia is how much people care about how they look, and that is included in dancing.  A lot of people know how to look pretty and elegant when they dance.  But this is SALSA, it is meant to be passionate, it is meant to be HOT.  Although there were fair few good dancers, dancing is supposed to be enjoyed more than anything, and not just to look pretty.  I wished so much that Jack was there.  We would have rocked the floor.  I wonder when will be the next time I'll get to dance with him.....

But yeah, I shouldn't put myself through homesick again.  I'm off to Indonesia on Monday and worrying about Singapore should be least of the worry for now.

Exploration

It's my first weekend off in Singapore, and I've decided to go on a area hunting.  I figured checking out some locations before I have to look for a place to live after I come back would be a good idea.

I woke up at 9, and made myself a SALAD, yes, SALAD.  Something which I have not been eating at all since I've arrived in this country.  And damn it was good!! It's funny to think that depending on what you cook, it's definitely much more pricier to cook at home in Singapore.

Anyway, after brunch, I hopped on the MRT and took off to first stop Yio Chu Kang.  It was a funny place because this place had absolutely not shops around MRT station.  Just the station and the bus stop.  But after mindless walking in general direction, I found the local market and the food court.  Which was excellent.  It's a bit more of what I thought Singapore would be like before I came here.  Numerous little shops in their speciality.  And this place is definitely cheap to live.  The only problem is, none of these shops have any price tags, so since I can't speak a word of Chinese, I have a feeling it's going to increase some price than what the actual locals would get.  But yeah, no shopping malls were to be seen in the area, just local small shops.  There are a whole block full of them.  It kind of reminded me of Victoria market in Melbourne.  And I just came to realization that I haven't even seen a single book shop since I've been here. Although saying that it'll probably in the languages I can't understand anyway.  So yes, there wasn't anything particularly wrong with this place, but I figured I'm going to have a massive trouble looking for some European foods if I was to cook some.

So the next stop was Ang Mo Kio.  And this place, I LOVE IT.  the thing I love the most is the "mega store" it's definitely the biggest supermarket I've seen so far, and it wasn't that pricy either.  Considering how urbanised this place is, the prices are still quite reasonable, and I throughly enjoyed myself in this area.  Oh, and I finally found some durians!!  Except they were only sold as a whole or there was 1 particular place which was selling durian cake that had a massive line, and I was almost tempted to go and buy some but I was too lazy to line up.  Maybe next time I will actually try......  After the train station building exploration, I actually got so tired that I didn't bother checking out beyond the shops and some of the residential area, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to love living here.  The only down side may be is that it's a bit busy for my liking.  Although having all those shops are extremely convenient,  I still like the slow feeling when it comes to living.  It's relaxing at the end of the day.

Anyway, it was already 4pm by the time I left Ang Mo Kio, but I figured I should just go and get it over and done with, so off I went to Bishan.  I was originally looking at this place as I saw that there is a new MRT track under construction that would make the trip to dancing a lot easier than it is right now, but it turns out that it's only going to open in 2014, bummer.  Poet told me when he was originally house hunting that this area is one of the richest area in Singapore, so I was kind of expecting a really flash place with all the expensive shops and what not, and I was really surprised about how normal this place is.  Once again, it's not a bad place but it doesn't wow me either.  I'd much prefer Ang Mo Kio over Bishan.  It was only 4.30pm, but I was sooooo hungry and went hunting for food.  Beside the fact that you can get a lot of Japanese food here, I was quite disappointed to see nothing too interesting.

I know that around the MRT is not the only place to look, but it's a good way to start anyway.

After I got back from Bishan into Sembawang, I definitely like how laid back this area is. And its clean, and very at home feeling.  I mean, sure, the supermarket isn't the best, but it still has the bare minimum that I need.  Enough European ingredients that I need anyway.  So I guess this is all going to be depending on Steph at the end of the day.  Although it does take about an hour to Salsa from here, I don't think I'll dance not in weekends anyway. And after Poet comes back to Singapore (and me) and Steph comes to Singapore, that should be enough motivation for an 1 hour trip.  But knowing her, she probably needs all the shopping to live.

Speaking of which, I bought a new dress today.  After checking out the venue earlier in the week, I figured that I need some nice clothes to go dancing.  So I did, and I've been looking so forward to going dancing all week long.  But after I got back, although I was only out for about 4 hours, I was so tired that  I was getting a headache and I fell asleep, which made me even more tired.  If this was Dunedin, I probably would have gone out to dance, but I was not fit enough for an 1 hour train ride and this is not the time to get sick anyway, so I gave tonight a miss.  SOOOOOOO NOT impressed with myself.  But yes, there is always next time, and I have to be mature and responsible and look after myself.  How boring.

Anyway, this post is already long enough, I should just go back to watching Burlesque. I'm loving the songs in this movie...

Day 3

So the work started yesterday, and my manager is scary as hell, I don't understand half of what my colleagues say, and slightly gutted about how small my work is, and most annoying as hell, everyone else's English is not good enough to crack a joke or say a slang!

If other people can continue with the conversation or even ask what  it means, it's probably better, but nobody does, so the conversation ends up being dead.  So that sux. I mean, I can't really say much yet as it is only 2 days of working so far.  But I already feel English deprived.  I feel like I've been here for couple of weeks but the reality is, it's only been 3 days.

I'm feeling so comfortable in this slow paced Sambawang that it's a bit demotivating for me to go out from this district.  I'm not too fussed about shopping as other people go on about.  Personally, I don't like having too many choices coz I have to make too many decisions.  So being on this side of town may suit me after all.  So maybe I should look for place around here when I come back.

The only problem is Salsa.  If I live on this side of the country, I can only dance on Fridays and Saturdays. It's probably enough, but traveling 1 hour to dancing, hmmmmm.

This blog is utterly boring as I have completely no inspiration to write anything interesting, but I just wanted something to do before I sleep tonight.

But I will go to sleep now, good night world.

Day 1

So here I am Singapore!!

That's right, I'm in Singapore baby!

So what did I get up to on this glorious 1st day in Singapore?? well..... NOTHING.

I thought about doing few stuff considering I woke up at 6am.  But after waking up, having a shower, ate breakfast, write few emails, and then my body decided to shut down and therefore I went back to sleep.  And when I woke up it was 11am already.

My landlords have been absolutely nice, they are both Malaysian couple, who have previously been living in renting condition for 20-30 years of their lives and experienced first hand the ups and downs of renting properties.  So their policies is that "they know how bad it can be to rent a room, so they want the people who are staying at their place as comfortable as possible".  And they have been doing amazing job at that.

Anyway, they left me a little note on my door asking if I want to join them for a lunch at 1pm-ish, so I decided to take the offer and stay.  Except the 1pm was changed to more like 2.30pm, followed by the horror stories of all the renting situations, so I ended up running out of time to go out in the afternoon too.

But I did manage to go out for dinner at near by food court, some kind of wonton ish soup dish which was very tasty :D  And went for a wee explore around the neighbourhood.   Before I came to Sembawang, I read on internet about how most people that live in this area is military people and not many locals doesn't want to live here.  So I was rather hesitant about living here initially.  But it turns out that it's not so crowded like the dead in the middle of the city, and people are quite relaxed just like New Zealand.  I haven't explored the other place of Singapore yet so I can't say, but if people don't like this side of town because of how sleepy it is, I'm actually loving it.

I'm loving Singapore so far.  It has Asian elements that I always wished there was in NZ,  but yet it has enough European influence that I don't feel so uncomfortable living like I do in Japan.  Although I usually don't care what people think of me, there is still some side of me that wants to blend in, and I'm absolutely loving the fact that I can just walk down the road and feel that I am "Asian".

This country feel so at home, that although I'm surrounded by all of these chinese writings and people talking to each other in languages that I don't understand, I'm not getting the "oh my god, I feel so lost" panic attack.  In a way, I feel much more comfortable than any place in NZ.  Funny that huh?

I'm definitely looking forward to exploring this city.  I can't wait to come back here in 3 months.