It's scary to think that I will be leaving this country in less than a month time. And only 2 weeks of working left. The latter, is going to be no more than a relief for sure.
So many thing has happened in this place.
Starting with something little like living in apartments for the first time in my life, and how excited I was when I came and felt quite comfortable that I was now living in a country where I am no longer a minority.
I definitely had some bad impressions of work from the first day. The director who does not even introduce or greet herself, and makes orders by moving her chin, just like how the higher authorities used to do to the servants and the slaves back in the day. I didn't even get introduced fully to the staffs, and got expected to do everything myself.
Then the 2 month in Jakarta, how scared I was before I left and how much I loved the place by the time I left. It is the place where not the words but the heart of the people that made me love the place. ChikiHapi and the Mamas made me so so comfortable, taking me out to dancing and what not. Although that place is unsafe, dirty, and VERY unhygienic, I still prefer it than the life in Singapore. It has humanities that Singapore doesn't have.
When I came back, I had a vague hope that I will get on with other staff members better, now that I feel more relaxed about the work environment in general. But it didn't change anything. They still didn't want to accept me, or respect me. And it really didn't help me that I got forced into doing QC/QA despite my hatred against that role, for a whole 3 month. I didn't get talked to, or got invited to anything, can't even joke or talk in my normal speed coz nobody understands the accent, nor did they ask anything when they don't understand. I told them that I was going on a holiday, entering a competition, how things are different in Singapore when compared to NZ, but nobody wanted to ask or say anything more than "oh, ok". I forced myself to think that it was coz I was in the QC room the whole day that they don't talk to me, but hardly anything changed even after I returned to R&D. And not to forget those lonely lunchtimes when they would put my portion of food on my desk so I didn't really get the chance to join everyone else. And to be told that I am a loner, coz of my faults, I may appear strong on the outside but I still do get hurt. Looking back now, I still don't know how I could have done differently, and I don't think there was anything I could have done.
It has been a constant battle of my personal place of belonging the whole time I lived here. To re-state the person called myself. It was a cruciating battle to find a balance between being a "Japanese" but being a "kiwi" at the same time. The solution at the end was very simple, I am me, end of story. I knew too much about Japan and the culture and the life there to ignore when other people makes false statement about that place. Yet, I couldn't appreciate when people expect that I am no kiwi coz I look like an Asian and vice versa.
I appreciate everything that my parents did for us, and to think back how boring my life would have been if we had a "normal" life and never leaving Japan. I am still proud of my heritage, but 1 thing I have concluded out of this is that I am going to drop my Japanese citizenship when I return to NZ. I want to be a kiwi heart and soul.
I think Singapore is an extremely handy city to live. Not too expensive, and not too cheap, good transport and safety. Daddy asked me one day when I visited him
"what do you like about Singapore?"
I couldn't answer. But at the same time, I wouldn't have had much less things to say if he asked me
"what is it that you really don't like about Singapore?"
There is nothing in this place would be correct answer. No bright future, no big plans, but instead you can get the stable constant safe future. But that's not enough to satisfy me I guess.
I had my last dance at En Motion studio today. Despite how much I complain about the crap quality of the music, I still went there almost every month for the bachata nights. And some nights, I totally rocked the floor, including tonight. I'm glad there isn't much here that I'm going to miss. It makes my departure much easier.
Clean clear, and no regrets.
A scene like this is going to be the thing of a past soon. Something I've seen few times a week, and most definitely every weekend.
No more casual going out until midnight and catching public transport back. The late night busses and mrt has been rather useful, especially when I was coming back from another country. Oh how much I got lost at the beginning, but soon, everything will be about the past life and not the current. It is time to move along once again. But the thought of getting back into the inconvenient life gain, I can't wait for it.
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