Back to Zero Again

I was starting to like living in Singapore, life over here in general. Having good company, having a challenging job, having a good hobby like traveling.

But I'm not so sure again.

I had a marvelous time in Korea. It's true that it was a very short time, but I should be glad it was so short, coz it would have made it harder if it was longer.

Until I got there, I kept going over and over and over about the moment when I see you. And when I finally got to see you, you didn't fail to beat my expectation. We hugged, and hugged and smiled at each other like we've been separated for decades. We met up at his work, I had to wait for 30min before his final class finished. While I waited, the girls at the reception told me how much Daddy was looking forward to my visit, and how jittery he's been all day. It made me smile.

We went for very late night shopping to make some supper, I can't explain the hilarity of this tall Daddy Long Legs standing in the tiny Asian kitchen, trying to cook. And it even get's better as the dinner was ready - he brought out the fold out table!!! Oh the small things that makes me laugh. We spent til the late hours of the morning talking to each other, even the weekly skype catch up wasn't enough to make us run out of things to talk. But we did eventually fell asleep into each other's arms.

The weekend just flew passed, we just cherished each other's company. We laughed, we talked, we danced. Nothing was that special, but doing something together just made it special. Being in the area where he spends his time. Being in the room that he relaxes. Being in the city that he lives in, every little thing made it special.

We held to each other until we had to separate. Even if we have a same feeling, there are something things in life that it can't work. And you just need to accept it. And whether I like it or not, this is one of them. As Daddy and myself always say "something are just meant to happen". Another words, if we are meant to be together, we will be together one day, but if we aren't meant to be together, then I'll just need to keep on walking, just like I've done til now.

But ever since I've been back in Singapore, it's hitting me again. The endless feeling of loneliness. I have good friends, I have a pretty good work. I have a roof over my head and stable income. What else should I ask for? But I can't help it to miss home. I miss my family and miss my friends. I've managed to ignore the loneliness of not having someone in bed, having to eat dinner alone, going out to shopping alone, moving on in life with my own two feet. But it doesn't take much to bring me down.

I don't want to be reliant on you, coz it's not fair. I've seen and experienced how the life treats you over in your country, yet you still appreciate your experience, and tells me how much you like Korea. I admire your strength. I know I can't do the same if I was in your position. You make me feel like a whining baby, screaming for nothing. I always wish for things that I do not have. A big heart like yours.

I shouldn't be complaining, I chose this life. I can end it any day if I want to. I know I can, but really, can I?

I just need to get back into the rhythm again and kill my feelings I think. It's the only way for me to keep on moving. I know I can do this.