More Selfish Day By Day

I wish I could just call you just coz I felt like it.

I always have to stop myself to tell myself that no, I am not his girlfriend.

Is it just me that thinks I need to draw a line? There is part of me that if I keep on trying, then I will reach there at the end of the day.

And there is part of me that tells me that if I do that, then he will run away.

Why is things so much more complicated as we grow older?

Why can't we just do it coz I want to?

I'm on the waiting side, waiting, and waiting every day.

Poet asked me one day "can't you just txt him and ask? doesn't he let you know if he can't be online tonight??" It's coz we never have a promise, it's not that we have a set time to catch up. This is the thing that sux most about internet. You get to know too much about what the other person is up to especially on social network like facebook. Back in the days, when we only used landline phones to catch up with people, all you had to do was to call them and then if they are home, you can talk, when they don't pick up, it means they're out. You don't have to feel like you're being ignored coz you know that "x min ago, he/she was online, but didn't bother chatting to you".

I am such a crying baby, while I had a really great time over the weekend, all I thought was how I can tell this news to you. And now that I can't, I feel like just picking up the phone to call you just to say good night, coz I know you were at least awake and on net 3min a go..... (and I love you internet for crashing at the right timing).

I'm so deprived of you.

Obsession.

Enough said.

The Love Game

You know you want it, but you don't wanna show it.

Guys always want the things that are harder to get.

I tried to be a snob tonight, and waited for you to contact me instead of me trying to catch you for change. I just wanted to see that you weren't trying to avoid me or feeling awkward. And I got sad when I knew that you were online but didn't talk to me.

Until I got an email.

Turns out he was looking for me, but internet decided to hide me so he thought I was out.

I'm struggling to live only being able to talk 1 night a week. Although you send me an email almost every single morning.

I remember starting off like this when I was still in Jakarta. When the only time it suited us was Monday nights. And the unstable internet connection limiting our dates constantly.

Compared to back then, I can't complain about it. You send me messages constantly, and close enough to have a marvelous time when I visited. You care for me in the way that I want you to. But I'm still being greedy.

Will I be happy if I get what I want in the end?

I hope so, coz I don't want to be a bitch.

I'm a me monster. You already fill my life, but I want to fill your life too.

Back to Zero Again

I was starting to like living in Singapore, life over here in general. Having good company, having a challenging job, having a good hobby like traveling.

But I'm not so sure again.

I had a marvelous time in Korea. It's true that it was a very short time, but I should be glad it was so short, coz it would have made it harder if it was longer.

Until I got there, I kept going over and over and over about the moment when I see you. And when I finally got to see you, you didn't fail to beat my expectation. We hugged, and hugged and smiled at each other like we've been separated for decades. We met up at his work, I had to wait for 30min before his final class finished. While I waited, the girls at the reception told me how much Daddy was looking forward to my visit, and how jittery he's been all day. It made me smile.

We went for very late night shopping to make some supper, I can't explain the hilarity of this tall Daddy Long Legs standing in the tiny Asian kitchen, trying to cook. And it even get's better as the dinner was ready - he brought out the fold out table!!! Oh the small things that makes me laugh. We spent til the late hours of the morning talking to each other, even the weekly skype catch up wasn't enough to make us run out of things to talk. But we did eventually fell asleep into each other's arms.

The weekend just flew passed, we just cherished each other's company. We laughed, we talked, we danced. Nothing was that special, but doing something together just made it special. Being in the area where he spends his time. Being in the room that he relaxes. Being in the city that he lives in, every little thing made it special.

We held to each other until we had to separate. Even if we have a same feeling, there are something things in life that it can't work. And you just need to accept it. And whether I like it or not, this is one of them. As Daddy and myself always say "something are just meant to happen". Another words, if we are meant to be together, we will be together one day, but if we aren't meant to be together, then I'll just need to keep on walking, just like I've done til now.

But ever since I've been back in Singapore, it's hitting me again. The endless feeling of loneliness. I have good friends, I have a pretty good work. I have a roof over my head and stable income. What else should I ask for? But I can't help it to miss home. I miss my family and miss my friends. I've managed to ignore the loneliness of not having someone in bed, having to eat dinner alone, going out to shopping alone, moving on in life with my own two feet. But it doesn't take much to bring me down.

I don't want to be reliant on you, coz it's not fair. I've seen and experienced how the life treats you over in your country, yet you still appreciate your experience, and tells me how much you like Korea. I admire your strength. I know I can't do the same if I was in your position. You make me feel like a whining baby, screaming for nothing. I always wish for things that I do not have. A big heart like yours.

I shouldn't be complaining, I chose this life. I can end it any day if I want to. I know I can, but really, can I?

I just need to get back into the rhythm again and kill my feelings I think. It's the only way for me to keep on moving. I know I can do this.

The Table

This is a story I happened to find on my laptop. I vaguely recall writing this aaaaages a go, and totally forgot about it. 


A dinner table is where the family gather.

A dinner table is where people talk about their day.

A dinner table is where a couple share their words of love.

A dinner table is where I look up and find you smiling at me.

" I know that you already know, but I want to say it again and again. Thank you so much for the food, you don't know how much I missed it while I was away".

That's what he said when he came back from a 2 week long business trip.  A trip that he was so busy that he didn't even have a time to call me.

He even seems to be a shade darker than when he left the door 2 weeks a go....

He said those words, with the same lips that kisses me.

He said those words, with the same lips that whispers the words of love to me.

He said those words, with the same lips that crawled over another woman.

He said those words, with the same lips that lied to me.

That's what he said,

that's what he said,

that's what he said......

Still, I wait for him to come back through the doors and join my table.


I smile back at him as I look back up.

"Ofcourse hun, it's filled with everything you love".

There he sat, the same place where his mistress was 2 hours a go. Slowly indulging his meal, piece by piece....

"You can't beat  the fresh produce I gather for you, you know".

Beginning And The End

Ever since I booked the ticket to go and see you, my mind has been all about you. What we are going to do, what we can do.

I think so much about what will happen when we finally see each other again. Are you going to smile to me with those boy-ish eyes? or are you going to pick me up and give me a big cuddle hug? or are you going to ask for kisses like you used to?

Which ever it is, I'm just excited that I can see you, not over camera but in person.  But at the same time, I have the sad truth that this meet up is not going to last forever. Like any beginning to a story, there has to be an end, one way or another. It's just that the ending comes very very quick this time. although I try not to think about it, I know I won't be able to hide my tears after spending time together in person again.

There is part of me that wants to keep the way were are, the way we were. Our weekly skype dates, not just 1 but 2-3 times a week, adventures in the weekend then catch up again when the week begins. The thrills and the stress of being in another country, and comfort and support we've been giving each other this whole time. But I want to say something to you that I've been wanting to say for a quite some time.  Would that ruin this comfort that I have now? I don't know, but I want you to know.

I am not worried about not changing, but I am scared about losing what we have now.

I'm just hoping for an happy ever after rather than tragedy. Will you accept me? I guess only the heaven will know....

Thank You

There are few people in my life that definitely made a big influence in my life. And Poet, you're definitely one of them.

I loved the way you danced right from the first time we danced (well, practically speaking, it was the second coz you don't remember our 1st time!), and I have never ever though I'd be dancing crazy like now when we met.

You taught me so many things, especially bachata and cuban salsa. You were so passionate back then, and everyone admired your passion too, and I was def one of them.

The existence and the relationship between dance partners are hard to explain to people who are not a dancer themselves. Dance partners does not have to be a relationship or life partner, but it needs to be someone you can trust, someone you can freely share an opinion with and comfortable with, someone you flow well with, and most importantly someone who you feel a chemistry with.

There is no doubt that I have danced with many many people up til now. But every time I did, and come back and dance with you, I always felt so much better and so comfortable in your lead, and appreciated the fact that you are my dance partner.  It was not just about liking the way you moved, but when we danced together, 1+1 became 3, we were able to BURN the floor.

You were one special dance partner. I didn't had to tell you to do anything, you almost read my mind. You flowed the way I wanted you to flow. Although our difference in taste of music were sometimes questionable, at the end of the day, we had one heck of a dance together in the past 12 months that I've known you.

Have you realised Poet? this weekend actually marked our 12 months of our dancing life. We had our first blast at your brother's birthday, the 1st Friday of October 2010.  Your siblings told me so much about this "dancing addicted brother" they have, over so many years, and I only finally met you for the first time in my final year in Dunedin, and our final year in New Zealand. It was definitely a pure luck that I found a job which happened to be in Singapore, and we even managed to compete together in this funny country.

I just want to thank you so much for everything you have given me til today. Your dancing shoes may be put on hold for now, but I'm going to keep on moving. I still wish that you could keep on moving with me, and forever if it was ever possible, but I guess it is time that "we" are no longer going to be "we".  Whatever your future holds, keep on moving, and I'll be waiting for you, on the dance floor if you ever decide to put your shoes back on again.

Love you lots, and will miss you loads, I know we will see each other still, but I won't pester you for dancing again. But IF, IF you ever do want to, you know where I will be. On the dance floor, dreaming of the days that I burnt the floor with you.

This song is forever yours.

~Hay Amores by Daniel Santacruz