Faith

My family is made up of 2 religions

1 - Russian Catholic

2 - Shinto

My grandmother and my uncle's family are all Russian Catholic, and my parents are Shinto and during my whole life, nobody ever tried to convict me into either of the religion.   Probably to keep the family circle peaceful I guess.

In aspect of Christianity, I can even count with my right hand how many times I've been to church in my whole life.  But there is something about the whole atmosphere about churches itself that I like and dislike at the same time.

Every time I step into a church, I admire the architecture and the very sacred feeling of the whole place.  When I went to France few years a go, I couldn't stop visiting every church that I saw when I was exploring through various towns.  There was even 1 incidence in Grasse in an old part of the town, where it stood one of the the oldest church in the area, called Notre Dame Du-puy. It was built on the cliff side which looks over the city, and the bell rings in the crisp morning air.  Under the church, is the stair cases leading into underground cave like room, which was lined with stone pavements.  It was so rocky that I remember wondering why the chairs balance up so nicely without clattering at all.  

It actually turns out that that room is where they held the services, and not in the actual big main church upstairs.  At that current point, my understanding of French language was "oui", "non", "bonjour" and "je ne sais pas", but the service started straight after I entered the room and it was too awkward to leave so I ended up staying.  Obviously, I didn't understand anything that the Priest was saying, but it turns out that it was a Roman catholic church. Although my grandmother was Russian Catholic, and the churches I've been to before this day was all Russian Catholic churches, the atmosphere of the environment felt some what familiar.  And when the prayer started, all I wanted to do was to cry.  It was not because it reminded me of my grandmother who has already passed away more than few years a go, but it was more in the feeling of being at ease and almost released by being in a place like that.  The only thing that was going in my head at the time was 

"Now I understand what my grandma was feeling when she went to the church".

At the same time, that is the reason why I don't like going to some churches - it makes me feel like a bad person.  It makes me feel bad for being in a place that feels so sacred, holy and pure, and yet there was I, who didn't have faith in Christianity.   It almost makes me feel dirty and sick and don't belong there.

So what is the point of this post??

Well tonight, I was invited over for a dinner at my friend's place down the road.  All of their family are Christian, and before every meal, they say their grace.  Today was no exception.  The oldest sister of the family said the grace, which included some phrases along the line of 

"thank you god for allowing us to get together today, and here we join us tonight is Himawari, who will be beginning her new journey, and please bless her for her safe journey and take care of her in the times ahead....." etc, etc

My memories aren't very good with words, and the original grace sounded much much better than this, but the point it, it made me want to cry again.  I felt so blessed and loved to have a good friend like them to care about me in such way.  And at that moment, I really wanted to thank her really badly for being so considerate, and I really really appreciated her for asking for blessing by god, and I actually do feel like I'm ready to take the new step into the new world now.

I may be one of the furtherest person from being a Christian, but I cannot express how fortunate I feel to be born on into this world.   

And to the greater power that protects us all, thank you...

The Sides of Me

I have multiple sides.

Not by choice, but somehow it happens.

The side that comes up that is most often is the stubbornly serious side.  Well I call this serious because I don't know any other appropriate word for it.  It's the side of me that likes to talk about life, politics, cultures, religion, the side of me that does not like the half done jobs - needs everything to be planned out and done properly.  And also it's the side of me that may lecture people from time to time....  If this came up as officious to some people, my apologies.  But that's just me in a raw state - not cooked down.

And there is the childish me, the side of me that will go and climb up the trees in middle of the night (completely sober), swing off into a river on a Tarzan swing, be attached enormously to my stuffed bunny that I got for my 6th birthday (I think, it's something like that anyway), jump on top of my relaxed friends on the couch just so I can head lock them, and the side of me that would probably try and push my friend's face into an ice cream just for fun.  

And also the side of me that completely likes being a teaser/mean.  Now this is bit like a mixture of the two above in a way.  Rather than being serious, I like to be witty, and nudge people and be at an extreme end of a smart-assed.   And also in this side, I like to be a teaser, I guess in a way of putting on the "bad girl" mask.  And for some weird reason, I tend to be on the rather hyper side of tension with this side of me comes out.  The person that see me in this state the most is definitely the CatGirl and BabyFace.  I usually have no shame when I'm at this state too lol.  And for some weird reason, it tends to come out a lot is when I'm with dancers (Cerocers)... hmmm is that saying something about dancing??? maybe....

Obviously, these 3 are not the only side of me, and there are other sides of me that you will probably only see with someone particular, for example, I make myself look like I'm tough especially at work (that's my stubborn serious/professional side speaking), but at times I do break down when it reaches the limit.  And thank you to all my loving friends that supports me when I'm at that stage.  And also, for those people that know my 3rd side may find it hard to believe, but I do have shame, and I can be shy from time to time too. 

Anyway, the whole point is, I sometimes act completely different in front of certain people (not just behaviour but even talking-wise), and I'm wondering, if I ever get a partner who is a non-dancer, never seen me in the 3rd face, I wonder what he would think of me when they do??  If I'm nudging BabyFace for example, I don't particularly speak the cleanest language, and if I'm fooling around especially with CatGirl, I'm a major teaser in variety of ways.  It's almost enough to make people think I'm drunk I guess, but I'm fully sober.  And on the other side, if people think I'm a serious good girl type, then they would have me completely wrong too.... But I'm never trying to hide my sides, but its just that some people it comes out and some people it doesn't!  And saying that, if someone liked me for my 3rd side, then would they be freaked out if I'm all serious??  It's trying to mix something that is not immiscible. 

I get questioned often "what is your ideal man??""

The answer is simple, "a man who accepts me for who I am, and support me physically and mentally".  Nothing less, nothing more.  But then even looking at myself, there is only about 1 person that I know in my life that have seen and/or capable of keeping up with me with mixture of all the sides above, and he's already my ex.  So I'm wondering,  "would I ever get my Mr.Perfect??"

Meh, I hope so, I don't want to be single til I die.

Oh, on a random note, I was talking to BabyFace today about Poet and how everything that can stuff up by moving into another country has happened to this poor man, and somehow when I refer about him, I'm speaking in my weird half Malaysian-ish accent!  I'm blaming this on you Poet, I haven't even left my country yet and getting an accent!! (If you've been sneezing this morning, you know why now!).  But gees, I don't even want to think about what's gonna happen in few months down the track.  I thought kiwi accent is bad enough, I don't need another one. 

Bastard

Bastard.

I'm sorry, but there are times in my life I utterly have to bad mouth.  And that time is right now.

It's not the greatest feeling in the world that the man I once loved so much regrets breaking up with me, when he's the one who decided to end our relationship.

I was about to dedicate my life to this man.  I love him so much to the point that I wanted to spend rest of my life with him.   He is the one who want to end it, and took off wanting his "freedom".

I did not want to know that his current girlfriend who he left me for is very beautiful, and that is the only good thing about her.  It is not greatest thing to hear that I'm not as pretty as her but I have all other qualities.  It's like being told "you're wife material but not girlfriend".

I'm sick of guys leaving with the words

"You will find a man a lot better than me"

If everyone leaves me with the same word, then it's no longer a compliment.  It's just a bitch.  Why can't I chose who I want to be with.  If you can't take the responsibility to tell me that you don't want to be with me, don't tell me the crap that you don't mean.

Even knowing that it was better off for me that I am no longer with him, it still hurts to think about him.

I GAVE UP MY DREAM FOR YOU

I WAS GOING TO DEDICATE MY LIFE TO YOU

I LOVED YOU WITH ALL MY HEART, I LOVED YOU FOR WHO YOU ARE, AND NOTHING ELSE.

The sad thing is, rather than being in the mindset of "haha, it's too late if you just realised what you've lost, coz you ain't good for me", I'm still hurt by finding this out.  I thought  2 years is a long enough time for me to heal my wounds, but it turns out that his being is like a permanent scar or tatoo on my heart.

Bastard, that's what you are.

The clock is ticking

Run, run, run, run faster!!

That's exactly what I feel like at the moment.  I feel like I'm being rushed to do everything now.  Being in a room full of cardboard boxes and all, I should really get into the mindset that I'm actually leaving this country, and I have to get myself sorted.

It's funny to think that this place, this country that I've lived in for the past 15 years is not going to be a home in a week or so.  Some great memories to be treasured and some painful memories that I want to bury.  It's full of my life.

So Singapore huh?? Who ever thought I would be in a country like that??  Will this job take me to where I want to go? I don't know, I guess I will find out one way or the other.

I just got an email from my agent last night telling me that my Visa is approved and my contract is attached, they want me over ASAP.  I was definitely getting myself scared reading through the contract. I feel like yelling "yikes, what did I get myself into???".  Forget about dancing, forget about exploring, I better stick my head right in there otherwise I'm going to lose my job - that's what it pretty much says on my contract.  Oh, and apparently no matter how long I've been working with the company, I'm only going to get a maximum of 14days annual leave. Yay, half of what we get in NZ.

I came back to this sleepy little town of Dunedin on Wednesday night and hit ceroc straight away, and it felt so good.  To be on the dance floor that I know so well and my feet just glides along the surface and not even having to think about how to dance, it just feel so great.  And also at Salsa social last night, people were happy to see me again, telling me that they missed our dancing, although I never quite liked the whole "community" feeling, I'm really liking it at this point in time.  I guess going to Auckland for a short while was kinda good.  It slightly prepared me in the way of what is expected for being in an unfamiliar place and all.  But then saying that, I was already feeling some stress up there although I have few friends and other people I know up there.  So when I get to Singapore with only 1 person that I know well is going to make things very interesting.  At the same time, if he's going through the same stress as well, it can't be the brightest idea to lean on him,  I don't want to make things worse.

Right, I have to stop blogging, it's time for me to pack my life for good.

I MISS YOU!!

I want to see you

I want to hear you

I want to hug you

I miss you, I miss you, I miss you, I MISS YOU HEAPS!

Home Sweet Home.....

Yay! I'm back in Tauranga! my sweet little home!

I really don't come back here often enough I say.  I got off the bus back from Auckland and my friends picked me up, then straight off to the beach..... And I managed to body surf!!! I was more than slightly stoked.  Now I no longer need boogie boards to ride the waves now!!  It was already 5pm by the time we got to the beach, but it was so nice that we could have stayed there til a lot later than we did, but our stomach was grumbling a bit.... meh, what do you know, exercises make you hungry.

On the menu was home made pizza with roasted chicken, bacon, avocado and onions..... and obviously base made from scratch! mmmmm I missed you Wilma!! you're such a mama! Then for dessert, pancakes with boysenberry icecream, apricot compote, shaved chocolate, lemon&sugar, jam, you name it, anything you wish for!! What an evening.... it couldn't have gotten better.

I'm slightly regretting not coming down earlier now.  Tauranga is simply so beautiful, I just love it so much.   There is nowhere else as beautiful as this place.  And it is definitely going to be one of the thing I'm going to miss about NZ.  It's slightly emotional to think that this may be the last time I'd get to see Tauranga for while - maybe even few years. Few years a go, I didn't think there would be a day when my parents wouldn't be in NZ, and having no home to be at.  And now when I leave, there is going to be even a less of a chance of me coming back.  It was hard enough trying to decide whether to go back to Japan for the summer or to spend the summer in Tauranga, but this is even more extreme......

All my friends whom I love, my loving country and my sweet memories, it's time for me to say good bye.

Me and Poet had a talk one day about a "perfect day", and now I think I've got another version of my perfect day.  It will be a day with all of my dearest high school friends, a whole day filled with outdoors, beaches, rivers, campgrounds, anywhere you name it! Bring on the boogie boards, skim boards, mountain boards and kites, just anything and everything! BBQ or classic Fish and Chips on the beach for dinner, and hanging out at the beach until the sun goes down then hit the spa to take the break from the hustle and bustle from the day time.  It seems as though those days don't happen at all anymore, but I wish one day when I come back to NZ, that't the way we will spend the day..... in this sweet home town.

I have a day and a half  left in Tauranga, and I want to make the most of this beautiful city.....
And I will NOT cry when I leave my home behind...

$12.10

$4.50 for the internet at internet cafe, and rest for scanning and printing....... $12.10 is the price I pay for my new future in Singapore!!



Yes, I said it, I'M GOING TO SINGAPORE!!






I'm actually still mildly surprised myself that I haven't written this post any earlier considering I've got the job offer on Saturday.  Then saying that, it has been rather busy since then (Like spa party and Zoo!).

I spent the whole afternoon filling out all the tiny details for Visa application today.  Although it was only 6 pages long, it took me ages.  I kept checking and checking that I got nothing wrong.  But I still can't believe it, I'm actually going to Singapore.

You know, these things always sounds like a dream, but I took that extra step to make the difference from "I with I could....." to "I am going to do this"

Sure, rather than "Please overseas person, work for us, we need your skills" job offer, I'm going over there as an apprentice starting from scratch, so the terms and conditions are not great.  But it sure is going to scrape off any arrogance off me and strip me naked.

Speaking of terms and conditions, the situation changed so much since I first applied for this work, and now I'm slightly scared that I may not get small things like medical insurance.

I know, I'm a bit of a paranoia. I'm good at pretending to look like I'm ok with whatever that comes and tackle it, but the fact is, I do A LOT of back ground check before I move. But the funny thing is that I only do it AFTER I decide where to go etc.  So here I am, looking through so many websites and books about Singapore and Indonesia.  I think by reading up before I go and expect the worst case scenario, and if anything turns out to be not as bad as it seems, then at least it can only get better from there.

Internets are handy for looking up information, but at the same time, some information can be so old that you don't know if you should trust it still.  I spent couple of hours at a book store today, and found so many books on Singapore and not even 1 specifically on Indonesia other than Bali.  So that's going to be great....  But 1 book that roughly talked about indonesia had whole 2 pages on type of vaccinations I should taje before I go.  Freaked out enough??

When I was reading Poet's post last night, it kinda freaked me out a little, about making the big move and all.  I'm relaxed in a funny way like "meh, things will work out the way it will", but seeing Poet freaked out like that and knowing he's even more laid back than me (except when he's walking in random places late at night), I was thinking

If he's originally from that side of the country and that freaked out, am I going to survive??


At time like this, I should just tell myself "meh, I'm adaptable"

Adaptable - that's the word that was described by my boss at the choc factory.  And you know what? I think she was quite right.  My parents always told me that I would be the child of the family that even if the plain crashed in middle of the jungle, I'd the person who would definitely survive.  So yeah, I should stop worrying too much....

I had a chance of chatting to Poet just before, and it was a huge relief to hear that he's calmed down and liking his job/place now.  He also told me yesterday that he's going to be going to Israel and England for training.  Absolutely jealous for both countries!  It's a shame that he'll be departing prob at about same time or bit before I get to Singapore.  It would really have been nice to have a familiar place in a new place.  But oh well, I guess I will be off to Indonesia after few days or so too.

Anyway, I should really get some sleep.  Another long day tomorrow and I'm hoping my poor knee will like me enough to let me go dancing.

Good night world.
xox