Erase.

There is a saying in Japanese

"Things with shape is meant to be broken".

In another words, anything in this life, nothing is stable.

I definitely agree with that.

The other day, I accidentally dropped my external HD and permanently disabled it's function. Only then I have found out how they work!!! I always knew that when the HD is running, it sounded like a CD spinning but I just presumed that it's a fan running inside.

So from my understanding, it's a multiple double sided CD's inside, that's storing information for me.

And anyway, by dropping this, t bent the reading thing and started scratching my disk and now it won't load on my computer.

So what was inside??

Well, the unwatched multiple movies, some ebooks, some back in the days uni work back up, and also my photos. 2.5 years worth from when I was dating EuroTraining.

The funny story is that the photos stored on there pretty much starts from straight after I started dating him, and then up to the year we broke up.

I uploaded a lot of photos on facebook so I do have a few of my fav up there in low quality. But after we broke up, I deleted the ones of us looking like a couple. I didn't like the thought of my future partner looking at them.

But now, EVERYTHING is deleted.

I was originally going to get the data recovered as it also had my graduation photos. Definitely 1 of the life time event that I don't want to miss. But that one I had a back up for.

Then the road trips x2 with my high school friends: 2 of my friends were the main cameraman, so they both have the back up of those photos.

Then there is the photos from when I went of my holiday up north to visit my oldest friend, which she has the copies off as I put them on her computer when I left their place.

And another photo I didn't want to lose was the photo of my favourite chef friend, before he got ill, and the cafe was still vibrant. But those photos I had the back up for as after I took them, I made a web album so the Chef and other colleagues back then can see it.

And parties and birthdays I didn't care so much as majority of my fav photos are up on fb. Not at the full quality, but it's good enough to watch and see the old memories every now and then.

So it turns out that the only photos that I've lost completely and have no back up photos for, is the photo of me and Euro Training. The xmas we spent together, the only trip to Queenstown, wee date out to the peninsula, 2 balls. But you know what, it took me 3 days to actually figure out what photos I was missing. And when I finally did, it didn't hurt anymore. I would have never have deleted those photos if I had to do them myself. But then there was no point in keeping them.

There was no "us" anymore, and my heart doesn't get that jabbing pain hearing his name. The good memories are kept in my heart, and that's enough for me. I don't need to see a physical evidence that I was in love. I want to make a room for my future partner whoever that will be. He might fill up part of my heart every now and then, but I'm ok now, I'm moving on.

Good bye my photos, good my memories, and say hello to my new future.

Still Lost.

It's amazing how much time in your life you can waste.

I've been jobless for almost 3 months. And I'm still here unsure of what I want to do.

I think sometimes in life, it's easier to not think, and just move the body, and let things flow the way it flows.

For once, I like being a stupid dumb girl who has no plans.

I don't have anything stable under my feet, but maybe that's just the way it's supposed to be.

I feel like throwing everything that I have, so I only have a bag to carry with me.

I'm not interested in looking pretty that much anymore

I like cultures, I like people.

I feel as though I want to be a hobo, just travel around for all my life, taking pictures of what I see so I can share with the people I love.

I wish the world would not revolve around money, but I know that's not possible.

My friend told me to write a book, along with the pictures that I took in the past.

Everything sound so sweet but I know reality is not that sweet.

Or am I making excuses so I don't have to do it all?

Am I closing the paths so I don't have to look at it?

I don't know...

My heart tells me that I need to go back home, where everything I love is.

But I'm scared that my home can't provide me things I need to live.

I love being surrounded by people but sometimes I just want to escape

Or have a friend I can be silent with.

I feel like I'm being a spoilt little brat, year by year

Maybe I am.

Maybe I'm not as strong as I thought I was.

Some part of me tells me I want to get back into that career path leading top of the line products.

But knowing the hell I have to go through, I don't want to do it again.

Sometimes I think girls have it easy, when it comes to worse, we can run away from reality in the name of "making a family".

Even having a family is not that easy, I know, but when you want to run away from life, it's the best place to be.

I still don't know what I want....

Future

I hate every time you have a change in life, people want to know precisely what your next move is.

The truth is,  I don't know.

And neither do I know what I want.

This is one of the few times in  my life that I don't know what I want.

I was planning to travel, but the fact that I have absolutely no plans, also means that I will have seriously no money when I come back. Living with family really doesn't help either, they forgive me too much for being myself. It's so easy to be lazy, I can spend everyday doing absolutely everything if it wasn't for my family, making dinner and cleaning the house and all.

My parents still makes me feel like a baby, and I don't mind acting like one every once in a while. But it's a bit sad getting older, when you're little you don't think about money, they just somehow fell from the sky. But even living with family, I feel bad if I'm using up electricity, gas, food budget and what not. Even living at home I have to get the reality check that nothing in life can go back the way it used to be.

It's a small change, and times flies, I know.

I know I have to make the next move, and all I can think of is go back to nz and be with my friends. I really can't think of anything else that I want to do.

Brain vs. Body

I heard once that your brain can forget "memories", but your body will still remember even if your brain didn't. I mean, after all, they are both act of brain. But it's more the fact about right or left brain I guess.

I've made something today which I haven't made for 3 years. Meat ball tomato sauce. It was EuroTraining's favourite dish that he used to reward himself for. I used to regret introducing him into watching Gordon Ramsay's Kitchen Nightmare. The program that got him started on the whole cooking supree thing. It was cool to begin with considering it stopped him from eating plain pasta and tuna or smoked chicken 3 times a day (and instant noodles on a special occasion). But then he idolised Gordon so much to the point that even if I ever suggest him an alternative way of making it for the better, he won't ever listen. Also, he never believed about the fact that cook books are not always true, but they are generally simplified for a regular home cooking. And all chef will never put exact recipes, and neither is it possible to do so. It's too much to do with sensation and taste of the actual ingredients and everything. But the thing with beginner cooks, they will never do anything different, even to the point of how much salt to put in.

Anyway, I won't deny the fact that indeed EuroTraining did become a pretty good cook, and there were some favourites amongst them. But restaurant foods are NEVER designed for every day eating. Meatball and tomato sauce was 1 of the favourite recipe. But the taste was so distinct that I just didn't want to make them again after we broke up. The smell of the fresh thyme and rosemary, the taste of pork and beef mince mix.... I've made alternative recipes that are similar since, but not this exact one that he used to make. It made me feel too lonely to eat them again by myself.

It was the first time cooking it today, and indeed I did enjoy the smell whilst I was making it. Until the point I wanted to check whether it was cooked enough or not. The first bite I took, it almost made me cry. It took me all the way to that little kitchen that doesn't exist anymore. The one that I had to scrub down so much coz it was too filthy to touch initially. How I used to see the sun going down through the kitchen window whilst he was standing in the kitchen making those meat balls.

I can even remember the very scent of the house. Every single tiny details of the house, whether that was a pleasant one or not is a different story. But I don't even remember all the details of the other houses I used to live in in Dunedin, but I remembered his so clearly.

I'm glad my parents weren't home today. I was completely at a shock when I tried that it almost made me cry....

All those memories....

Memories

Sometimes we all get trapped within our memories, and wish that things were different, or we did something different back then. But then sometimes, we open our old book of memory and realize something you've forgotten about.

I only remembered today that my chat software has an automatic save for all the chats from the past.

And it was a strange surprise to find out that myself and EuroTraining was still in touch even in good terms right up almost til the day that we ended all our connections.

I still remember being scared of seeing him each time we did. And I remember more of bad memories than good memories that I had with him. I hardly can remember the nice things he used to do for me, and now I feel a bit embarrassed for it. I know a lot of the times, he didn't mean the stuff he did, and he was good to me. Otherwise I would never have considered marrying him at any stage. But I stopped wondering about "what if things are different".

I was recently translating a script for a friend, and it was about a man who lost his girl friend and got stuck in trap of time, not wanting to create new memories because of this one conversation he had with her

"If we have a capacity of how much memories we can have, then the more new memories we create, more it overwrites the old and erases them".

So he refused to change his lifestlye so he will not forget about her.

I think my life after EuroTraining left me is a bit like that. But now I am glad that we have an ability to forget so we can move on.

My old boss told me one day about this man who remembers 100% of his memories, and how he cannot forget anything even if he had wished. And after he broke up with his only girlfriend he ever had, he couldn't get over it. Because his memories are still fresh, and still raw. It still gives him pain 30 years on about the moment she left him, just as if it was only yesterday. And for him, it just feels like that.

I'm thankful I'm not like that. Despite the fact that yes, he may have been the man of my life, I enjoy my life the way it is right now. I got to meet all these great friends I have now because I did not go on the same path with him.

There are things you sometimes only learn because you are no longer in the relationship. These days I wonder if I'll ever meet a man to spend rest of my life with, but I may also be happy even if I didn't. With all these amazing friends that I have all over the world.

I guess I am a little emotional today, but it doesn't hurt to be trapped in old lost memories once in a while. It is everything that made me the person that I am today.

"It's easy to take off all your clothes and have sex.
People do it all the time.
But opening up your soul to someone,
Letting them into your spirit, thoughts, fears,
future, hopes, dreams ....
That's being naked .... ♥ ~"

By Rumi


My friend shared this quote on facebook today, and I totally loved it, and agreed with it. 


As we grow older, what used to be so important to us no longer become as important anymore.


I still remember the first time I held a hand of my first boyfriend, first time we kissed, first time we spent the morning together.....


I had a time in my past that I can't be proud of myself for doing so, having different partners just coz I wanted some company. I just wanted someone to love me, and tell me that I worth something, and sex just came along with it. 


But I remember when I got back on my own two feet, and met a boy that I could love again, I remember how special it felt, how happy it made me feel, just having that one kiss, and be held in his arms. The back boning moments, and heart off in the stars flying everywhere. Special feeling like that does not come by with having a sex with a person you only know so little about. 


Kissing a person is not that hard, and having sex with someone is not that hard either. But showing who you are, to the people you are 100% comfortable with, can be a rare opportunity. But if you are one of those fortunate people that does have a friend or a partner you could share yourself and be as naked as yourself like that, then keep it. They worth more than anything in your life. 


Some that you truly care about, are the people that you want to share not only the happy moments but sad moments too. People that will cry with you coz you are sad, people that will smile for you just coz you are happy. I don't believe anyone can live by themselves, like is too beautiful to waste like that.


Now the other day, a friend of mine, Bryan posted this on his blog


"Have you ever risked something important to yourself for something that was unimportant to yourself? How did it turn out? Did you enjoy the experience? And if you have never done it, would you ever do it?"


I love having conversations like this with my friends. It's a type of conversations I have with some of my very close friends on a random occasion at any of the day, especially with a cup of hot drink on sunny warm day (so typical of dunedin, hot drinks are always an essential even on a nice day!). 


Now I had to think about this for a while, and I think it's all about what you consider important in this world, like for instance, if importance is dependent on what is required in your life in order for myself to live, then things like dancing, which I love to bottom of my life, can still be unimportant. I think I can stop dancing any day if I wanted to, but I just choose not to coz I like dancing. And my friends will always mean a lot to me, but I'm not going to deny now that I've used dancing as an excuse and ditched a few events before.


My life in NZ was perfect, with friends I loved, in a country that I loved, that is definitely something that is important to my life. But then I left all that behind to go to Singapore, to have a "stable job". It may be important, but then looking back now, having a "good" job is nothing as important as having a happy lifestyle. In that case, is it considered that I made a risk of something important for something not important? But then coming back to Japan now this time around is incredibly much easier than when I came here 2 years ago. I'm more confident with moving myself around, and talking to people. I was even lost to shop around last time, and got lost if I had wanted to try anything at the shop or ask a question, and I'm def more comfortable using Japanese. So at the end of the day, the life in Singapore is an important experience that was necessarily for me to go through despite how crap the time over there was.


And then there is also an occasion, when once again in my rather shame-less year, I risked my friendship over a night of comfort. I deliberately kept away from my friends and told about it to none so they won't let go of me, but at the end of the day, I knew I was doing something I can never tell my parents about,  and will not be too happy to tell my friends either. Yet I still keep on doing it just for the little selfishness of keeping myself a bit happy.


So the question of which Bryan had asked, is all dependent on how you look at thing, my personal opinion is that there is nothing in this time that is "unimportant". It's just that some things are little more meaningful to you than another. What we should be more considerate is what is most important to us and keep that to our hearts, give us daily reminders about how fortunate we are to have something that means so much to us.


Be it friends, families, partners, pets, or little memories.


Nothing in this life is meaningless, everyday should be lived to maximize the opportunities that was given to us. 

On The Jet Plane, A Far Far Away.....

So so, I’ve finally made my escape.  Out of the country that I wanted to leave since the day 1 of being on that country. I guess that’s not TOO true. I was excited once, about being in Singapore, but only for 1 week, and not much longer.

Last 2 weeks in Singapore has been the best time I’ve had over my whole time over there. I had amazing friends that I wanted to hang around with, and pushing everything I needed to do aside so I can! Late night dinners, chats, sheesha, any excuse to keep on hanging around really. It kind of felt like I was back in NZ again, driving around on a car, having dinner at friend’s, just watching a movie or playing games at friend’s are some of the things that was not possible at all other non-local friend’s place. Ah the joy of “no visitors allowed” owners.

I was wondering what it would be like to come back to Japan again. After being in Singapore, I def got used to the city life, whether I like it or not.  And now being in Japan once again, it doesn’t feel any different to being in Singapore. Actually, Singapore might be better in a way that it was safer to walk around and no parents to stop me from taking risks.

Oh do I miss the dancing til 2am and the late night suppers already. I’ve been looking up dancing venues to go to when I can get the opportunity to go to, and it looks like I got 2 choices at the moment

1) No dancing at all

2) Take 2 hours trip per way to go out just for a dance.

Well, 2 hours seems like it’ll worth it at the moment. Considering the fact that my parents will NEVER let me go to the one that I could reach in less than an hour. Damn it.

I already miss the WCS every night. I can’t even dance in the house at the moment oz of how bloody cold it is. I’m struggling to even WALK in the house. And you think Singapore doesn’t have enough land space for houses, but JAPAN? Oh man, the size of the houses over here!!!! I honestly wonder how in the hell the family of 4 can live here permanently. Therefore, dancing space is becoming rather hard to gather. I miss the feeling of the dance floor, the full length mirrors, EVERYTHIGN about dancing. And this is only day 3 in Japan.

Good golly, how am I going to live for the next 4 months?