Getting older and wiser

I remember back in those days that I was so nervous that I couldn't ask the boy I liked out.

I remember back in those days it was a challenge to hold a boy's hand.

I remember back in those days when I really really really wanted to kiss a boy but I didn't know how to ask or how to put myself out there.

I remember THAT day, and it took sooooooo long before it got there.

Then I remember getting into the world of working, and having to get into the awkward situation where I had to do the whole

"awww, thank you" 

or

"awwww congratulations!!"

with kisses, sometimes on the cheek, sometimes on the lips, and me with awkward smile looking like a grinch, hoping to get out from this moment as quick as possible.

Then it became ok,

I'd verbally say that I love my friends, or use word as a teaser

like

"you're so annoying"


"Oh you know you love me!"

or it became ok to wear mini skirt into public, and then the heels, and the tops became tighter, and push up bras here and there.

But when did it became ok??

And when did it become ok to kiss those boys that you just met that night but you were flirting with, and when did become ok to do so even in public??

People say older ladies are shameless, but I guess I'm starting to go into that track.

Priorities

Priorities and family.

The two you think it doesn't blend in together.

But I find out today that it does....

Borrowing my mother's cell phone to call my father, she tells me


"use the short cut, long press on the 2"


You wonder why it's "2" considering it's someone you call on a relatively frequent basis, you'd think it'll be stored under "1". So I asked


"Who's on number 1?"


She answers

"Your sister".


Heh, priorities aye?

Cleaning

I seriously wonder, what is with parents wanting to clean the house in the morning.

It seems to be every kid's problem that we get waken up by parents's lovely noise of vacuuming the house.  Specifically on those days all we want to do is SLEEP.

And then I had a brief talk we had my mother this morning as it turns out that there are huge load of bloggers on the website around bout 9.30am.

My mother's question was that

"why are they so free at that time? don't they have stuff to do like cleaning??"

But then why do our mothers just need to clean at morning??

For me, my morning routine goes lazy in bed for extra 30min, get up, eat breakfast, do the dishes and read the news, check the emails, all that jazz, THEN the cleaning.

Now what is the problem in doing the cleaning at say, 3pm?? I understand why you wouldn't do it at night time as you really can't see much at night. But really, what is the difference between cleaning at 10am and 3pm??

That'll be a mystery for me forever....

Saucers

I just realised the importance of a saucer when drinking a cup of tea.
you can put your sugar cubes if you want it sweetened.
you can put your dirty spoon on it if it's not clean.
And the best of all, if you happen to spill the tea, it's there to catch it so you won't make the table dirty.

Then I thought it's a bit like my life

I mean, there is the saying from Forrest Gump


"Life is like a box of chocolate, you don't know what you get until you open it"




That, in fact, is also true.
But saucer is more like my ideal man actually


Anyway, I'm not trying to talk about a man today.


I'm currently kind of stuck on "what's the best next move" thing right now.
I'm not young enough to play the "young and stupid card" anymore (and it's not that I want to either...)
But then it's about time I get my career settled, and life settled, and I'd like that too.


I thought I was the only one who was having this dilemma.

And it turns out that it's not.

It seems like many people around me is having the same problem.



We know something is not right, but we don't know what is not right.



But then saying that, there is a saying in japan that means

Sticking to 1 thing for 3 years will solve the troubles



why does the life has to get so complicated year by year?

The Land By the Mountain...

My mother always told me,

"when the time is right, things will be ok"

And that was always a magical word for me.

I knew that some times, life can be crap. COMPLETELY crap in fact.

Just last week, I just went for a visit to my home town, where I was born and raised til my family immigrated to NZ at age 9.

The whole time in Japan, I didn't know what I wanted. I just knew i had to go back to NZ at some point, I still call NZ my home, and I wanted to see my friends. But I didn't get that glitter of excitement or that burst in me, telling me

"it's time to go lady!!"

At the same time, I was not even 1% motivated to settle back into Japan or find new work here in Japan. Despite the fact that I did love living with my parents again. So day by day, I just let the days go by.

But then when I went to my home town, I was SUPER excited for being there. Seeing everything that I once knew, and was so familiar with.

I didn't care about the fact that my old friends didn't understand what's so fabulous about that old crusty country side, It was all the beauty that I wanted to see for so long.

Right at that moment, as I looked right across from Yatsugatake ranges, through to southern Alps, and straight at Mt Fuji, I got that feeling again.

I knew I've done everything I needed to do in Japan, and it's time for me to go home.

When I came back to Saitama again, I started looking for a job. And every single time, when I'm looking for a job, there is always at least 1 job that pops into my brain telling me to apply.

And I got something like that again. So the CV's are sent, and now it's just the waiting game.

I don't know when my next chapter will begin, but I'm hoping it will be soon!!

Erase.

There is a saying in Japanese

"Things with shape is meant to be broken".

In another words, anything in this life, nothing is stable.

I definitely agree with that.

The other day, I accidentally dropped my external HD and permanently disabled it's function. Only then I have found out how they work!!! I always knew that when the HD is running, it sounded like a CD spinning but I just presumed that it's a fan running inside.

So from my understanding, it's a multiple double sided CD's inside, that's storing information for me.

And anyway, by dropping this, t bent the reading thing and started scratching my disk and now it won't load on my computer.

So what was inside??

Well, the unwatched multiple movies, some ebooks, some back in the days uni work back up, and also my photos. 2.5 years worth from when I was dating EuroTraining.

The funny story is that the photos stored on there pretty much starts from straight after I started dating him, and then up to the year we broke up.

I uploaded a lot of photos on facebook so I do have a few of my fav up there in low quality. But after we broke up, I deleted the ones of us looking like a couple. I didn't like the thought of my future partner looking at them.

But now, EVERYTHING is deleted.

I was originally going to get the data recovered as it also had my graduation photos. Definitely 1 of the life time event that I don't want to miss. But that one I had a back up for.

Then the road trips x2 with my high school friends: 2 of my friends were the main cameraman, so they both have the back up of those photos.

Then there is the photos from when I went of my holiday up north to visit my oldest friend, which she has the copies off as I put them on her computer when I left their place.

And another photo I didn't want to lose was the photo of my favourite chef friend, before he got ill, and the cafe was still vibrant. But those photos I had the back up for as after I took them, I made a web album so the Chef and other colleagues back then can see it.

And parties and birthdays I didn't care so much as majority of my fav photos are up on fb. Not at the full quality, but it's good enough to watch and see the old memories every now and then.

So it turns out that the only photos that I've lost completely and have no back up photos for, is the photo of me and Euro Training. The xmas we spent together, the only trip to Queenstown, wee date out to the peninsula, 2 balls. But you know what, it took me 3 days to actually figure out what photos I was missing. And when I finally did, it didn't hurt anymore. I would have never have deleted those photos if I had to do them myself. But then there was no point in keeping them.

There was no "us" anymore, and my heart doesn't get that jabbing pain hearing his name. The good memories are kept in my heart, and that's enough for me. I don't need to see a physical evidence that I was in love. I want to make a room for my future partner whoever that will be. He might fill up part of my heart every now and then, but I'm ok now, I'm moving on.

Good bye my photos, good my memories, and say hello to my new future.

Still Lost.

It's amazing how much time in your life you can waste.

I've been jobless for almost 3 months. And I'm still here unsure of what I want to do.

I think sometimes in life, it's easier to not think, and just move the body, and let things flow the way it flows.

For once, I like being a stupid dumb girl who has no plans.

I don't have anything stable under my feet, but maybe that's just the way it's supposed to be.

I feel like throwing everything that I have, so I only have a bag to carry with me.

I'm not interested in looking pretty that much anymore

I like cultures, I like people.

I feel as though I want to be a hobo, just travel around for all my life, taking pictures of what I see so I can share with the people I love.

I wish the world would not revolve around money, but I know that's not possible.

My friend told me to write a book, along with the pictures that I took in the past.

Everything sound so sweet but I know reality is not that sweet.

Or am I making excuses so I don't have to do it all?

Am I closing the paths so I don't have to look at it?

I don't know...

My heart tells me that I need to go back home, where everything I love is.

But I'm scared that my home can't provide me things I need to live.

I love being surrounded by people but sometimes I just want to escape

Or have a friend I can be silent with.

I feel like I'm being a spoilt little brat, year by year

Maybe I am.

Maybe I'm not as strong as I thought I was.

Some part of me tells me I want to get back into that career path leading top of the line products.

But knowing the hell I have to go through, I don't want to do it again.

Sometimes I think girls have it easy, when it comes to worse, we can run away from reality in the name of "making a family".

Even having a family is not that easy, I know, but when you want to run away from life, it's the best place to be.

I still don't know what I want....