Mum

This word haunts me. It’s what I want to be, but life never smiled at me.

 I just want to be a mum. I just want to have a family. It’s something so small, and something every human should be able to have… and it’s the only thing I can’t have.

I don’t want to be sad anymore. And I just want a closure. To give permission for myself to move on. 

Our life is going to end, with nobody to pass our blood, memories and love on to. But at least it will finally stop making me wonder “what if”.

Tomorrow is d-day. Shall see how much my body has declined in the last 3 years… 

waiting for the sparkle

The sparkle joy you may ask?

Well it is, but it’s not. It definitely sparkles in my heart, and fills me with joy. That’s for sure.

But I can’t help but to admire the picture of the soon to be my sparkle.

The day which I will finally get to say yes.

The question is - when....?

Thanks covid, for making everything so unsure. 

Dick vs. a real Dick

What makes a person

A real dick

I wonder that to myself.

My very good friend was upset the other day, to think that someone she is close with has the potential to be such a dick. 

But at the same time, I wonder sometimes, whether the situation we ended up in the past, was it really the other person’s fault? Or did I turn that person into a dick?

What I often hear is someone saying 

“But I said that right from the start!”

Or 

“But I was always honest!!”

Even if someone was saying the truth, more than once, any of the following can mislead

• Inconsistent body language 
• Physical touch 
• A potential that someone can change. 

Unless someone wants to be a real dick and every day tell someone who they always talk to - thanks for the call, I reallyed enjoyed that. maybe we could go on a date sometime? But just a reminder I like you, but I don’t love you, and don’t think I ever will”.

In which case, is he a dick because he said the truth? Or is he a good person for being clear? 

And it’s cliche girl’s saying but “he changed!!” Unfortunately it’s not often it actually happens, but it’s a benefit of the doubt.

At the end of the day, i feel like someone is a dick if they are consciously wanting to hurt someone, or take an advantage of another person. But if not, it’s an open book interpretation. 

Tidying up

The book by Marie Kondo “The life changing magic of tidying up” has been a sensation world wide. Especially when Netflix had the mini series with Marie.

I always loved her concept, as the way she respect life is very similar to my family’s roots and Shinto - which is one of the oldest religion in Japan. 

I’m not going to make this entry about religion,  but long story short, it is based on a concept that everything in this world lies a god. It could be a good god like sun, wind, fire. Or it could be from the dark side - like darkness, hunger, illness. Or mystical creature - I remember once my father told me, if you have a family that’s sick with high fever, you serve tofu to the “kami dana” (a house of god which is in the household of Shinto family) and a little girl will come and help you heal. She became a god when she died young wth a fever but now helps reduce the heat, but you gift tofu because that was her favourite food. So it feels more like myth in some parts. 

Going back to Marie, I love how she respects things, and also pays repeat to the house she is about to tidy. I’m not going to say “saying thank you” to clothes have helped me let go of my clothes though. 

What has changed me recently, is since myself and Sargent has brough a house, we have been slowly clearing away our belongings. Accumulation of our life and tidying up so we only take in what we love and want to keep into the new house we will be spending time together. 

In the past, I never gave a second thought about talking about my ex’s and and stuff we did and etc. But either the Sargent, it’s a little different. 

“Do I want to hide my past?”

Nope. 

“Do I regret my past?” 

Nope. Not that either. 

But I definitely feel that it is not necessarily to talk to him about my ex’s or how shit the past ex’s were. Because I feel like it doesn’t matter anymore. Because the Sargent is who I want to be with. 

It has been the thoughest time letting go of the doctor. And I felt like having a part of me torn away, every time I lost traces of him over the years. 

The days I feel free

When I used to dance, I loved te feeling of freedom to express, and not care about the world. 

And somewhere along the line, I lost it all. I just wasn’t enjoying it, and it was a not wf a chore, coz I didn’t know what else to do. 

It’s been almost 2 years since I started circus, and finally feel like I’m getting somewhere. 

I have enough strength to strike a pose, to flow from one move to another. Often it’s so hard to tell the progress because I’m surrounded by many amazing aerialists in my usual classes that are easily couple of levels above me. 

But back in the class where I’m supposed to be, I’m no longer the weakling of the pack. And actually able to flow freely. And almost on a high when I get home for all the excitement. 

The best part - body isn’t screaming in pain! 

It’s just a shame it’s approaching end of the year, because that means I will fine alternative to not drop my fitness level again. 

But this time I will commit to my love!

Pain never passes

I wonder sometimes, if there ever will be a day that I will look back at my past, and don’t feel hurt by my past. 

I only can ever remember being in love once, despite the number of ex’s I have. 

And that love has hurt me in so many ways, and it still does to the day.

A year by year, the pain is getting easier, but it doesn’t take much to open that wound again. 

And it’s not the physical memory of something someone had done that hurts me, it’s remembering how I felt at that particular moment that hurts me. 

It’s like a hole I can never quite fill.

It still makes me almost want to cry. 

And want to grasp onto someone to help me stay afloat. Although I know this is just my issue. And everyone is probably sick of it, or don’t even care about it. 

But the problem is, he and I used to talk about things like this, in a calm manner. And now I feel like I have nobody to talk to, except on a blog. Which sometimes isn’t the best solution, as putting things to words can make me feel even deeper into the hollowness.

Will there be a day when I won’t feel this anymore?

Butterfly in my stomach

It's been about 1 year and 3 weeks since I've been "official" with the Sargent. And I can't control the butterfly in my stomach.

At times, I feel like I want to punch for his childish immature behaviour, but rest of the time. I'm just so happy.

I won't deny that there has been days I had my doubts. But at the moment, it's making it harder by day and night to not tell him I want to have a family with him.

The status of "marriage" means nothing to him, and being in a box scares me from time to time. But if he was to get down on his knees tomorrow, I would sign the paper on the day.

I'm not fussed on the big beautiful wedding, although I do fancy wearing a wedding dress. But I'm more excited to bear his child, and nurture them in my home.

I can see now why men are afraid of "commitment". I suppose girls are less result focused, and tend to tackle on the problem as it comes. Although the Sargent makes me feel the opposite in our role, where I'm the one who's afraid of being in a "box" of unknown. But having a relationship with someone who sees an indefinite future is nothing like being in a relationship based purely on personal preference. Whether it be sexual or hobby.

Family is a unit, it is not about who we are or what similarity we have as a person. It is a commitment to overcome any issues we may face.

The doctor and I had so many similarities in preference, and I can't ask for anyone better to have "fun", and I can't quite describe it any other way, but he makes me happy by always keeping me busy. Whereas the Sargent makes me happy by grounding me.

My butterfly may have taken it's time to come out of it's cocoon, but I can confidently say, that I cannot be happier about my life.

I’m doing what’s right for me

Day by day, I wish stronger for your presence. 

The little voice inside me keeps on telling me 

"Just say it, you will feel better"

Every time I speak with you, I want to say that word.

"I love you"

But I'm not allowed. 

Yet, I'm also afraid of letting the Sargent go. 

I know in back of my mind, I wish to be with the Doctor. Knowing that there is no future. 

I feel like I'm walking on the beam between reality and desire. 

I don't want to let go of Sargent because I want to see whether I can have that deep connection with him. And to be as happy as I was when I was with the Doctor.

Everyone keeps asking me 

"Does he makes you happy? Do you feel happy when you are with him?"

And I never know what to answer. I should be happy. Sargent gives me everything that I need. And there is no reason as to why I shouldn't be happy.

But then, I can't help but to keep looking back on those days with the doctor. And how everything he did felt right. 

But I feel lost. Was I happy because he let me be as selfish as I ever wanted to be? Because he never expected anything from me? Did he look at me the way I look at Sargent now? Or did you ever feel the connection with me? 

The Doctor told me once, that when I left his life,  he felt like there was a big hole in his heart that he couldn't fill. And that's how I feel right now. No matter how much time I spend with Sargent, sometime it even makes it worse, I feel more and more lonely, for the fact that I don't have that connection. 

Yet, I feel like I want to carry on. I want to share more time with Sargent. But then the selfish self in back of my mind keeps on wondering how great it would be to travel and see the world with the Doctor. 

Everything I do with Sargent, I'm keep replacing in my mind with the Doctor. Wondering what it would be like if it was him. And I know it's not fair. And I should let it go. But it's been so long since I've been in love with anyone but the Doctor, that I don't know what is right or wrong anymore. 

Me and my mind

It's been a few months since me and the Sargent got together. 

It is a completely different relationship to anything I have ever had in my life. And I still don't know if it was a good idea or not.

Some days, I feel like we can just marry )have kids, and it will be fine.

I may lack the warm and fuzzy feeling in my heart. That feeling that makes me want to cry. That feeling that makes me feel like we are one person. But we are compatible. 

Some days. I feel like I'm lieing to myself. I feel like I'm trying to convince myself that what's shouldn't be ok is ok. 

There are days I still think about the doctor, and even if I think of happy memories, it makes me want to cry. 

It's not that the Sargent doesn't treat me right. It's not the fact that we don't get along. But I can't help get over that feeling, that feeling like someone held onto my heart, and one kiss made me want to cry. 

I'm far off to say I love Sargent. I adore him to bits as a friend, and have the biggest respect for him. But I can't help that feeling that we will be well off and looked after by someone else. 

Why can't life just be satisfied by simple life. 

Transition

I never understood the words that the Dr. Always said to me.

I never could understand why he wanted to be alone.

I never wanted to understand the way he lived.

Until now, when I was put in a same position.

I never have thought that I would say the same words he never said to me. The only difference is, I still think I would have said something different if I knew that I should never let the person in front of me go.

I wished souch that when I cut you off, that you would think of me more.

I wished that you will appreciate my company.

And that you would come back to me.

And at the end of the day, you did. You went through everything that I wished you would go through.

Yet, nothing changed in the end.

Here I am, away and separate and still in love with you.

And you on the other side, feeling the same. But the distance between us does not change.

Like you told me from day one, you are still the way you are. And now I know that at every step of the way, I had every right to step away from it all, and it was me who let him be the way he was. If I wanted him to change, I had to change too, I shouldn't have just waited for him to change. Coz we know what the result would be for that case.

At the end of the day, I still love you. And I hope you do too.

The truth

He told me he misses me.

He told me he wants to see me.

I'm already full of regrets knowing that you're somewhere under this sky in the same city, yet I'm too stubborn to say yes.

I told you only to come back if you want to change, and I already know the answer to that.

But I can't help this feeling inside me, that even if you didn't want change, if you showed me that you really want to see me rather than just sending vague messages to me for guilt trip, then I would have welcomed you in at instant.

Only if you were passionate enough to stand on my door step with arm full of flowers, just to say hi, I would have accepted you in.

The truth is, I miss you.

I love you.

And all I can think about is you.

And it still hurts.

I'm okay

Ever since break up with Dr.D, I've been okay.

I slept, ate, socialised, danced.

I didn't even have anything to even bitch about him, coz nothing was wrong.

Yes,  I do wish he didn't have a commitment phobia, but the fact is, he treated me so fairly. Even more so than anyone I've ever dated in my life.

All my friends said

I hate to say, but you knew this was gonna happen right?

Like if nobody thought his importance to me had any meaning to it.

He told me he loves me.

And although that word has so little meaning after we have ended, it means so much to know that he did. That the time we spent together meant something to him.

I broke down last night.  only friend that understood that I'm losing someone that I love, and loves me back. We were happy with everything about each other,  but it wasn't meant to last forever. 

A treasure of my life

There are many times in my life I'm so thankful and grateful to my friends.

People can be an introvert at times, when we feel like nobody loves us, or we feel like anything in this life is no more than noise and destruction.

But true good friends are one thing that can steps right inside my introverted boarder line.

Back in the days, I would have gone for a rebound out of loneliness, just for the sake of filling this emptiness. But I don't feel like I need to anymore.

They don't need to tell me that they love me, because I already know they do. I don't need an re-assurance to know where I stand.

When my American boy left me, everyone kept away from me, didn't ramage through my front door demanding to know what was happening. But they were just there.

10 years and more, I've known some of these amazing human beings, and I can't think of a life without any one of them.

Boys and relationship come and go, and I learnt to deal with my emotions, to keep a float and be a boat, sailing through my life.

But my dear friends, I love you all so much tonight.

Value of friends

It's a sad truth, but sometimes you just need to accept the fact that some people just don't share the same value of the person as much as yourself do to them.

It doesn't matter how long I have know them for. If they have no desire to see me, talk to me, then are we actually friends?

I fear the things I will lose.

By actually looking at the truth, and making the decision based on facts, it's very easy for a person to be left with very little things.

Maybe that is why in Buddhism say that to part with this life, to loose all the greed and desire. To live and appreciate the full life.

I'm still learning to live a life to be happy on my on. To rely less on others. But I can't help to get more and more selfish as I know a person for longer and better.

Countdown

Half a year sounds like a long time.

But when you count the number of weeks, weekends, especially the weeeks of summer, it's not that much.

But I want to write here, all the good memories we will have in this remaining time.

I know there will be a lot of tears when the time comes, but I know I won't regret loving you.

Yesterday, we went on a trail run in West coast of Auckland, by the beautiful beach of Bethells. I was definitely overly optimistic thinking I'll be able to run most of it....

Going up hills has never been my strength, and I definitely have beaten myself really well thank to Mags who pull me up along the whole way. Although seeing her skipping away did almost made me wan to kill her here and there.

But coming up the hills and looking down to the beach, I saw the trees where me and Dr.D went out in one of our earlier days of dating. And then over the lakes, where we cuddled and kissed. And now running on this trail together (well not precisely together if he ran it about 4 hours ahead), it's becoming a treasure of memories for him and I.

with a huge amazement,rwe managed to finsh just under 2 hours, and just sat and chilled, waiting for Dr.D to cross the finish line.

But an hour later..... i started to get worried... It was already 6 hours since he started his race. I originally thought he would be breezing through, like he always do. 6.10, 6.20, 6.30.... I started to wonder around the base, making sure he wasn't already back... but not to be seen at all. 

I waited and waited.... looking down at the gate where one by one, people cross the finish line with glowing look of accomplishment. Then fInally.....I looked down at the finish line for the hundredth time, I finally heard the words that I was waiting for....

"Dr.D, finishing at the time of....."

I saw him almost collapsing into the goal, and looking ever so pleased to be landing back on the  base again. I could see his sweat running down his face, and short on air, trying to catch all the breath he can,  and then he gazes over and catches my eyes.....

His eyes brightened up, slowly walked towards  me, and end of his lip lifted up into a bright little smile.

"Hey you"

He said. He cuddled me and kissed me, as if he hasn't seen me in months.

It's the moments like this, I really find him so sweet, and so loving. I almost forgot what it was like to love someone until I met. Even knowing that this is not going to last forever, I know that I made the right choice.

1 year

1 year a  go today, I lost a dear lady.

It went from a fun holiday in Melbourne, to a hardest trip back to nz.

It's still hard to believe that something like that can happen just like that. Because of some idiot, who probably still don't think it was a big deal.

I still wish you were here. I still wish I got to know you better.

But most importantly, I hope you are in peace.

Sending my love up the ladder to where you are.

Xx

A bet

I made a bet today.

I made 1 call.

I don't know what will happen yet but I will find out sooner or later.

If he wants to talk to me still, he will call.

If he got a new girl, he will probably call in a few days. But if he does, and doesn't leave any message. That will be the end of the road for me.

I'm not trying to play games. There is a huge part of me that want to say thanks, put a closure and move on.

And I finally feel that seeing he might be the way to do so.

But it is a gamble.

There is a high possibility that he doesn't want to talk to me again.

But for now. I'm just counting down the clock til the morning.

Modern Dhilemma

Growing up, cell phones were not as common. We had emails, which only replaced snail mails, but you weren't expected to reply within a short frame of time like the cell phone messages do. 

If you needed to call someone, you called their home line. You don't get an answer if they are not home. And that's the way things were.

But now there is email, social media, cell phone txt, and multiple internet communication devices. When you break up with someone, it's so hard to completely cut communication now. And to think that deleting a number is hard enough, you have to do the process more than few times. 

The last moment of our good bye still flashes in my mind so often. 

I told him I'm not staying.

Yet he decided to stay in his denial,

That there is a problem, that cannot be solved.

He told me to come over tonight, and spend the last night together. 

I cried and told him that's not going to happen anymore.

This is the end, and let me go, we shouldn't carry on like this. 

But still, he left the house for a run with the words of

"We can talk about it tonight, and cuddle til the morning. I want to wake up next to you".

I still can remember the look in his eyes.

The sweet soft kisses that made me feel like a girl. 

But this was it. 

I walked off. 

From his life. 

806

Oh how many times did I press that number.

Even after you gave me your keys , I always loved pressing the number. The anticipation went up as the elevator rose up 1 level at a time.

Looking down the corridor, passing each of the white doors at a time, I see you waiting. At the doorway, with the sweetest smile on your face. And you always gave me a hug and a kiss, before asking me how my day was.

But last night, it felt more like a death row. I've battled my fear of wanting to see you, against how much of a bad idea it is. I wanted to turn around and walk away to the exit, because I didn't want to know what was waiting for me.

Your arms are not the same. You are not the same anymore.

You said you miss me.

But I know you don't love me anymore. You don't even need to tell me, I can tell.

You just confirmed me that everything I thought, I expected, were right.

Oh how much I wish I could be happy again.

To be happy with you again.

The words of your friends hurt me. I didn't realise you still haven't told them. I wanted to shout out

"we are not we anymore, it's him and I"

I love you. But I know, it is time to let go.

Just living it

A day passes so quickly these days.

I wake up, go to work, come back home, exercise and sleep.

1 day at a time, it just ticks away.

And just like that, it has been a month ready.

A year with him went so quickly. Week by week, I could not wait for the days to end, so we can spend the weekend together. 

And now, it's just a counter to tell me how much I miss him. And to tell me that the chance of him coming back is becoming less and less.

In my head, I know he's not coming back. But I cannot help the feeling in my heart, that wants to go and hug him,  kiss him, and tell him how much I love him.

The solution to this problem is so simple. And he could easily take me back, any day he wanted to.

"But it's not what I want"

I know that's what he will tell me instead.

In few days he's coming home. But not into my arms.

I should have seen the signs, when even a holiday plans never had me in it. He never disagreed to me tagging along. But he never asked me to come along. 

I knew this would be how it ends.

I know the feeling of "He's the only man" will eventually go away.

I just wish that was now.