Identity crisis

Every now and then, I face with this question


"who am I?"


I once got very upset at a work colleague for told me "you're not a japanese"

Back then, all I wanted to say to him was was

"I don't have to live in the country to be physically Japanese, my heart is Japanese"

But now I'm in this country that is neither NZ or Japan. And the question arise when I am introduced to other people "Her name is Yuko, she is from ....."

When they say I'm Japanese, they always ask me "why is your English so good?" and starts asking me all these question about Japan that I have no idea about.

And when they say I'm from NZ, they ask "are you born in NZ?" or "why is your name Japanese?" so I have to explain the whole story.

The more people I meet over here, the stronger I feel that I don't know amuch about Japan.  I only know the very surface of the country.

But then saying that, that surface is embedded enough in me that I can't say I'm a kiwi.

Sure, I can tell other people that "I'm more of a kiwi than Japanese", but here in Asia, where many country became the battle ground in the WWII, I cannot say "hey, I'm raised in NZ so I have no guilt in what the Japanese soldiers did". I like to respect those places and want to leave them at peace, I carry the guilt of my people.  But then if there was a battleground for NZ vs. Japan somewhere, then which side would I pay the respect to? I cannot answer.

I had a really bad caucasion deprive at one stage, and looked at expat forums, seeing who I could possibly meet up.  Even back in NZ, I felt more at ease with caucasion friends than nz bred asians. I skipped all those profiles that looked Asian, and suddenly I realised.......

No matter how hard I try or feel comfortable with them, their impression of me is always going to be an Asian.  If others are deprived like me too, then there is a likelihood of disappointing the recipient is very high.

But at the same time, where do I belong??

The answer is NOWHERE


I read on this website for Asian Americans, and apparently the children who are 2nd generation and etc gets this symptom of "Identity Crisis" when they first start going to school, and ask the parents the question "what am I?? am I a Chinese (or any other race) or an American??". The guide said to answer to the children.

"You are a Chinese American".

And suddenly it clicked.

Maybe I don't need to identify myself as 1 nationality. After all, both NZ and Japan have made the person called me. I can call myself "Japanese New Zealander" or "New Zealand Japanese" - which I like the sound better.

When I was with EuroTraining, I always wondered why he introduced himself as "NZ Chinese" or "NZ born Chinese" and now understand why.  It does take away the effort of explaining yourself over and over and it does somewhat identify who you are.

I am going to say this one more time,

I AM A NEW ZEALAND JAPANESE.

/end of story/