Pain never passes

I wonder sometimes, if there ever will be a day that I will look back at my past, and don’t feel hurt by my past. 

I only can ever remember being in love once, despite the number of ex’s I have. 

And that love has hurt me in so many ways, and it still does to the day.

A year by year, the pain is getting easier, but it doesn’t take much to open that wound again. 

And it’s not the physical memory of something someone had done that hurts me, it’s remembering how I felt at that particular moment that hurts me. 

It’s like a hole I can never quite fill.

It still makes me almost want to cry. 

And want to grasp onto someone to help me stay afloat. Although I know this is just my issue. And everyone is probably sick of it, or don’t even care about it. 

But the problem is, he and I used to talk about things like this, in a calm manner. And now I feel like I have nobody to talk to, except on a blog. Which sometimes isn’t the best solution, as putting things to words can make me feel even deeper into the hollowness.

Will there be a day when I won’t feel this anymore?

Butterfly in my stomach

It's been about 1 year and 3 weeks since I've been "official" with the Sargent. And I can't control the butterfly in my stomach.

At times, I feel like I want to punch for his childish immature behaviour, but rest of the time. I'm just so happy.

I won't deny that there has been days I had my doubts. But at the moment, it's making it harder by day and night to not tell him I want to have a family with him.

The status of "marriage" means nothing to him, and being in a box scares me from time to time. But if he was to get down on his knees tomorrow, I would sign the paper on the day.

I'm not fussed on the big beautiful wedding, although I do fancy wearing a wedding dress. But I'm more excited to bear his child, and nurture them in my home.

I can see now why men are afraid of "commitment". I suppose girls are less result focused, and tend to tackle on the problem as it comes. Although the Sargent makes me feel the opposite in our role, where I'm the one who's afraid of being in a "box" of unknown. But having a relationship with someone who sees an indefinite future is nothing like being in a relationship based purely on personal preference. Whether it be sexual or hobby.

Family is a unit, it is not about who we are or what similarity we have as a person. It is a commitment to overcome any issues we may face.

The doctor and I had so many similarities in preference, and I can't ask for anyone better to have "fun", and I can't quite describe it any other way, but he makes me happy by always keeping me busy. Whereas the Sargent makes me happy by grounding me.

My butterfly may have taken it's time to come out of it's cocoon, but I can confidently say, that I cannot be happier about my life.

I’m doing what’s right for me

Day by day, I wish stronger for your presence. 

The little voice inside me keeps on telling me 

"Just say it, you will feel better"

Every time I speak with you, I want to say that word.

"I love you"

But I'm not allowed. 

Yet, I'm also afraid of letting the Sargent go. 

I know in back of my mind, I wish to be with the Doctor. Knowing that there is no future. 

I feel like I'm walking on the beam between reality and desire. 

I don't want to let go of Sargent because I want to see whether I can have that deep connection with him. And to be as happy as I was when I was with the Doctor.

Everyone keeps asking me 

"Does he makes you happy? Do you feel happy when you are with him?"

And I never know what to answer. I should be happy. Sargent gives me everything that I need. And there is no reason as to why I shouldn't be happy.

But then, I can't help but to keep looking back on those days with the doctor. And how everything he did felt right. 

But I feel lost. Was I happy because he let me be as selfish as I ever wanted to be? Because he never expected anything from me? Did he look at me the way I look at Sargent now? Or did you ever feel the connection with me? 

The Doctor told me once, that when I left his life,  he felt like there was a big hole in his heart that he couldn't fill. And that's how I feel right now. No matter how much time I spend with Sargent, sometime it even makes it worse, I feel more and more lonely, for the fact that I don't have that connection. 

Yet, I feel like I want to carry on. I want to share more time with Sargent. But then the selfish self in back of my mind keeps on wondering how great it would be to travel and see the world with the Doctor. 

Everything I do with Sargent, I'm keep replacing in my mind with the Doctor. Wondering what it would be like if it was him. And I know it's not fair. And I should let it go. But it's been so long since I've been in love with anyone but the Doctor, that I don't know what is right or wrong anymore. 

Me and my mind

It's been a few months since me and the Sargent got together. 

It is a completely different relationship to anything I have ever had in my life. And I still don't know if it was a good idea or not.

Some days, I feel like we can just marry )have kids, and it will be fine.

I may lack the warm and fuzzy feeling in my heart. That feeling that makes me want to cry. That feeling that makes me feel like we are one person. But we are compatible. 

Some days. I feel like I'm lieing to myself. I feel like I'm trying to convince myself that what's shouldn't be ok is ok. 

There are days I still think about the doctor, and even if I think of happy memories, it makes me want to cry. 

It's not that the Sargent doesn't treat me right. It's not the fact that we don't get along. But I can't help get over that feeling, that feeling like someone held onto my heart, and one kiss made me want to cry. 

I'm far off to say I love Sargent. I adore him to bits as a friend, and have the biggest respect for him. But I can't help that feeling that we will be well off and looked after by someone else. 

Why can't life just be satisfied by simple life. 

Transition

I never understood the words that the Dr. Always said to me.

I never could understand why he wanted to be alone.

I never wanted to understand the way he lived.

Until now, when I was put in a same position.

I never have thought that I would say the same words he never said to me. The only difference is, I still think I would have said something different if I knew that I should never let the person in front of me go.

I wished souch that when I cut you off, that you would think of me more.

I wished that you will appreciate my company.

And that you would come back to me.

And at the end of the day, you did. You went through everything that I wished you would go through.

Yet, nothing changed in the end.

Here I am, away and separate and still in love with you.

And you on the other side, feeling the same. But the distance between us does not change.

Like you told me from day one, you are still the way you are. And now I know that at every step of the way, I had every right to step away from it all, and it was me who let him be the way he was. If I wanted him to change, I had to change too, I shouldn't have just waited for him to change. Coz we know what the result would be for that case.

At the end of the day, I still love you. And I hope you do too.

The truth

He told me he misses me.

He told me he wants to see me.

I'm already full of regrets knowing that you're somewhere under this sky in the same city, yet I'm too stubborn to say yes.

I told you only to come back if you want to change, and I already know the answer to that.

But I can't help this feeling inside me, that even if you didn't want change, if you showed me that you really want to see me rather than just sending vague messages to me for guilt trip, then I would have welcomed you in at instant.

Only if you were passionate enough to stand on my door step with arm full of flowers, just to say hi, I would have accepted you in.

The truth is, I miss you.

I love you.

And all I can think about is you.

And it still hurts.

I'm okay

Ever since break up with Dr.D, I've been okay.

I slept, ate, socialised, danced.

I didn't even have anything to even bitch about him, coz nothing was wrong.

Yes,  I do wish he didn't have a commitment phobia, but the fact is, he treated me so fairly. Even more so than anyone I've ever dated in my life.

All my friends said

I hate to say, but you knew this was gonna happen right?

Like if nobody thought his importance to me had any meaning to it.

He told me he loves me.

And although that word has so little meaning after we have ended, it means so much to know that he did. That the time we spent together meant something to him.

I broke down last night.  only friend that understood that I'm losing someone that I love, and loves me back. We were happy with everything about each other,  but it wasn't meant to last forever.