I'm okay

Ever since break up with Dr.D, I've been okay.

I slept, ate, socialised, danced.

I didn't even have anything to even bitch about him, coz nothing was wrong.

Yes,  I do wish he didn't have a commitment phobia, but the fact is, he treated me so fairly. Even more so than anyone I've ever dated in my life.

All my friends said

I hate to say, but you knew this was gonna happen right?

Like if nobody thought his importance to me had any meaning to it.

He told me he loves me.

And although that word has so little meaning after we have ended, it means so much to know that he did. That the time we spent together meant something to him.

I broke down last night.  only friend that understood that I'm losing someone that I love, and loves me back. We were happy with everything about each other,  but it wasn't meant to last forever. 

A treasure of my life

There are many times in my life I'm so thankful and grateful to my friends.

People can be an introvert at times, when we feel like nobody loves us, or we feel like anything in this life is no more than noise and destruction.

But true good friends are one thing that can steps right inside my introverted boarder line.

Back in the days, I would have gone for a rebound out of loneliness, just for the sake of filling this emptiness. But I don't feel like I need to anymore.

They don't need to tell me that they love me, because I already know they do. I don't need an re-assurance to know where I stand.

When my American boy left me, everyone kept away from me, didn't ramage through my front door demanding to know what was happening. But they were just there.

10 years and more, I've known some of these amazing human beings, and I can't think of a life without any one of them.

Boys and relationship come and go, and I learnt to deal with my emotions, to keep a float and be a boat, sailing through my life.

But my dear friends, I love you all so much tonight.

Value of friends

It's a sad truth, but sometimes you just need to accept the fact that some people just don't share the same value of the person as much as yourself do to them.

It doesn't matter how long I have know them for. If they have no desire to see me, talk to me, then are we actually friends?

I fear the things I will lose.

By actually looking at the truth, and making the decision based on facts, it's very easy for a person to be left with very little things.

Maybe that is why in Buddhism say that to part with this life, to loose all the greed and desire. To live and appreciate the full life.

I'm still learning to live a life to be happy on my on. To rely less on others. But I can't help to get more and more selfish as I know a person for longer and better.

Countdown

Half a year sounds like a long time.

But when you count the number of weeks, weekends, especially the weeeks of summer, it's not that much.

But I want to write here, all the good memories we will have in this remaining time.

I know there will be a lot of tears when the time comes, but I know I won't regret loving you.

Yesterday, we went on a trail run in West coast of Auckland, by the beautiful beach of Bethells. I was definitely overly optimistic thinking I'll be able to run most of it....

Going up hills has never been my strength, and I definitely have beaten myself really well thank to Mags who pull me up along the whole way. Although seeing her skipping away did almost made me wan to kill her here and there.

But coming up the hills and looking down to the beach, I saw the trees where me and Dr.D went out in one of our earlier days of dating. And then over the lakes, where we cuddled and kissed. And now running on this trail together (well not precisely together if he ran it about 4 hours ahead), it's becoming a treasure of memories for him and I.

with a huge amazement,rwe managed to finsh just under 2 hours, and just sat and chilled, waiting for Dr.D to cross the finish line.

But an hour later..... i started to get worried... It was already 6 hours since he started his race. I originally thought he would be breezing through, like he always do. 6.10, 6.20, 6.30.... I started to wonder around the base, making sure he wasn't already back... but not to be seen at all. 

I waited and waited.... looking down at the gate where one by one, people cross the finish line with glowing look of accomplishment. Then fInally.....I looked down at the finish line for the hundredth time, I finally heard the words that I was waiting for....

"Dr.D, finishing at the time of....."

I saw him almost collapsing into the goal, and looking ever so pleased to be landing back on the  base again. I could see his sweat running down his face, and short on air, trying to catch all the breath he can,  and then he gazes over and catches my eyes.....

His eyes brightened up, slowly walked towards  me, and end of his lip lifted up into a bright little smile.

"Hey you"

He said. He cuddled me and kissed me, as if he hasn't seen me in months.

It's the moments like this, I really find him so sweet, and so loving. I almost forgot what it was like to love someone until I met. Even knowing that this is not going to last forever, I know that I made the right choice.

1 year

1 year a  go today, I lost a dear lady.

It went from a fun holiday in Melbourne, to a hardest trip back to nz.

It's still hard to believe that something like that can happen just like that. Because of some idiot, who probably still don't think it was a big deal.

I still wish you were here. I still wish I got to know you better.

But most importantly, I hope you are in peace.

Sending my love up the ladder to where you are.

Xx

A bet

I made a bet today.

I made 1 call.

I don't know what will happen yet but I will find out sooner or later.

If he wants to talk to me still, he will call.

If he got a new girl, he will probably call in a few days. But if he does, and doesn't leave any message. That will be the end of the road for me.

I'm not trying to play games. There is a huge part of me that want to say thanks, put a closure and move on.

And I finally feel that seeing he might be the way to do so.

But it is a gamble.

There is a high possibility that he doesn't want to talk to me again.

But for now. I'm just counting down the clock til the morning.

Modern Dhilemma

Growing up, cell phones were not as common. We had emails, which only replaced snail mails, but you weren't expected to reply within a short frame of time like the cell phone messages do. 

If you needed to call someone, you called their home line. You don't get an answer if they are not home. And that's the way things were.

But now there is email, social media, cell phone txt, and multiple internet communication devices. When you break up with someone, it's so hard to completely cut communication now. And to think that deleting a number is hard enough, you have to do the process more than few times. 

The last moment of our good bye still flashes in my mind so often. 

I told him I'm not staying.

Yet he decided to stay in his denial,

That there is a problem, that cannot be solved.

He told me to come over tonight, and spend the last night together. 

I cried and told him that's not going to happen anymore.

This is the end, and let me go, we shouldn't carry on like this. 

But still, he left the house for a run with the words of

"We can talk about it tonight, and cuddle til the morning. I want to wake up next to you".

I still can remember the look in his eyes.

The sweet soft kisses that made me feel like a girl. 

But this was it. 

I walked off. 

From his life.