Silence

I look at the photo and how I wish it was me who was there.

I look at the photo and how I wish it was mine in your arms.

I look at the photo and can't help feeling the love for you.

Just wishing and wishing and wishing.....

It's been a long 2 weeks of silence. I know you are busy, and I know you have more than a bit on your hand.

But I can't ignore the feeling that gives me a sharp pain in my heart.

Telling me that I miss you too much.

I've learnt to ignore, and pretend I am ok.

But how I wish you noticed that I learnt it coz of you.

Young and Ruthless

I don't know how I survived my teenage years,

Everything was so much easier back then, and doing it now, it's just not the same....

I cannot say I miss the youth, but I definitely feel the age hitting our body once in a while.

The price we pay for a night of fun is a lot more than those glorious days...

Butterflies

I have a butterfly in my stomach telling me everything that I should be fluttering in the air.

Instead, I'm pretending that I'm not.

But secretly, in my dreams, I always am.

Sharing is Caring

Having someone you care close by doesn't just mean you get to share every moment with them.

It's not just about the cuddles, it's not just about the kisses,  it's about everything.

I missed you today when I was making the cookies.

I missed you today when I realised I didn't have some to tell how delicious the strawberries are, or the fact that I can't ask you if you want to taste one.

I thought I would be ok with not seeing you so frequent thing, but I guess at times like this, I wish I was never alone.

I definitely need to get a car, and I definitely have to find a way to occupy myself.

I don't want to be a burden to you, whether this works out or not. I still want to be your friend, on your side, when you are in smile or when you are in tears.

I am going to be the strong girl that I'm not.

But right now, I wish you were here to share the strawberries with me....

Phobia and Trauma

I'm keep getting flash back of my working life in Singapore.

As I stand in the lab, a meeting, or on my desk.

I can feel the fear coming onto me.

The fear of failure.

I feel like I can never do a thing right.

I used to be proud of myself, and now I'm just plainly scared.

I used to be happy when people rely on me.

I wonder if everyone goes through this phase.

Right now, I'm just dead scared.

I don't want to be where I was before. I want to hold my head up high.

I pray every night, that tomorrow will be another day, a safe day, without any mistakes.

I've been receiving a constant pressure every day.

ACCURACY is the company policy.

PRECISENESS is a demand, not an option.

Day by day, I pray for an another safe day. I just want to be normal again. I just want to be myself again.

Tied

You think when you get older you learn not to do stupid things anymore.

Yet, my brain still likes to play tricks.

Fall for the wrong guy, and miss the wrong guy.

I always ask myself,

"Why can't I just be satisfied with something "normal""

But I still go for the wrong options.

Knowing, that you were there, only a 10min drive away today, made me miss you a lot.

All I wanted, was just hop in the car and come see you, and come and hug you.

I thought seeing the less of you, talking the less to you, will eventually make me forget you.

But a life isn't simple like that.

Being away from you, made me realise how much I'm falling for you. And say the words you don't want me to hear.

I can't call you my partner, my boy friend, or a date.

Yet, I'm bound to you with an invisible rope.

It's not the red string like a fairy tail, but a rope, that straps me and doesn't want to untie itself....

Another journey, all over again

Time over time, I always re-appreciate how lucky I am.

To be in this beautiful country that I can call home, with beautiful friends that I love.

When I first moved back to auckland, I thought

"Nothing can be worse than living in Singapore"

But then as I walked around literally all over Auckland, looking for flats, I started to think

"Maybe it can be"

I still don't like the amount of cars and people over here, and some areas definitely do not make me feel too great about walking around by myself. And the noise!

But then at some time, a 10 min drive from main centre of Manukau, I am walking across paddocks with sound of sheep and looking all the way down to the Auckland city centre during sunset, and re-assuring me that I am for sure, NOT in Singapore.

I could not breathe when I was in Singapore, and I lost my balance between myself and and my life.

But a moment of peace like that, makes me feel that I can do it again.

Many people think I am a stubborn girl who walks my ways. And I am, probably stronger than many girls I know too, but yet I do feel vulnerable by myself.

A new career is about to start in 3 days, and I don't want to screw it up again. And I am, in fact, scared of failures.

If I can do 1 year at this company, I think I can get my confidence back. I've already been made redundant once, and had to resign the second time. It's been more than 10 years since I've been in a job that I was working more than a year, sometimes it makes me feel like that I am a failure, and there is something wrong with me. Not being able to stick up to what everyone can.

If it was't for my friends that supported me this whole time, I don't think I could have stayed alive. And I mean it. I had great friends that was there for me at the right time, making me stop from giving up on my life. And I owe everything to them, and a lifetime to make up for them if they are ever in need of help.

New life, new journey one again. Hopefully starting with a clean slate.