Sharing is Caring

Having someone you care close by doesn't just mean you get to share every moment with them.

It's not just about the cuddles, it's not just about the kisses,  it's about everything.

I missed you today when I was making the cookies.

I missed you today when I realised I didn't have some to tell how delicious the strawberries are, or the fact that I can't ask you if you want to taste one.

I thought I would be ok with not seeing you so frequent thing, but I guess at times like this, I wish I was never alone.

I definitely need to get a car, and I definitely have to find a way to occupy myself.

I don't want to be a burden to you, whether this works out or not. I still want to be your friend, on your side, when you are in smile or when you are in tears.

I am going to be the strong girl that I'm not.

But right now, I wish you were here to share the strawberries with me....

Phobia and Trauma

I'm keep getting flash back of my working life in Singapore.

As I stand in the lab, a meeting, or on my desk.

I can feel the fear coming onto me.

The fear of failure.

I feel like I can never do a thing right.

I used to be proud of myself, and now I'm just plainly scared.

I used to be happy when people rely on me.

I wonder if everyone goes through this phase.

Right now, I'm just dead scared.

I don't want to be where I was before. I want to hold my head up high.

I pray every night, that tomorrow will be another day, a safe day, without any mistakes.

I've been receiving a constant pressure every day.

ACCURACY is the company policy.

PRECISENESS is a demand, not an option.

Day by day, I pray for an another safe day. I just want to be normal again. I just want to be myself again.

Tied

You think when you get older you learn not to do stupid things anymore.

Yet, my brain still likes to play tricks.

Fall for the wrong guy, and miss the wrong guy.

I always ask myself,

"Why can't I just be satisfied with something "normal""

But I still go for the wrong options.

Knowing, that you were there, only a 10min drive away today, made me miss you a lot.

All I wanted, was just hop in the car and come see you, and come and hug you.

I thought seeing the less of you, talking the less to you, will eventually make me forget you.

But a life isn't simple like that.

Being away from you, made me realise how much I'm falling for you. And say the words you don't want me to hear.

I can't call you my partner, my boy friend, or a date.

Yet, I'm bound to you with an invisible rope.

It's not the red string like a fairy tail, but a rope, that straps me and doesn't want to untie itself....

Another journey, all over again

Time over time, I always re-appreciate how lucky I am.

To be in this beautiful country that I can call home, with beautiful friends that I love.

When I first moved back to auckland, I thought

"Nothing can be worse than living in Singapore"

But then as I walked around literally all over Auckland, looking for flats, I started to think

"Maybe it can be"

I still don't like the amount of cars and people over here, and some areas definitely do not make me feel too great about walking around by myself. And the noise!

But then at some time, a 10 min drive from main centre of Manukau, I am walking across paddocks with sound of sheep and looking all the way down to the Auckland city centre during sunset, and re-assuring me that I am for sure, NOT in Singapore.

I could not breathe when I was in Singapore, and I lost my balance between myself and and my life.

But a moment of peace like that, makes me feel that I can do it again.

Many people think I am a stubborn girl who walks my ways. And I am, probably stronger than many girls I know too, but yet I do feel vulnerable by myself.

A new career is about to start in 3 days, and I don't want to screw it up again. And I am, in fact, scared of failures.

If I can do 1 year at this company, I think I can get my confidence back. I've already been made redundant once, and had to resign the second time. It's been more than 10 years since I've been in a job that I was working more than a year, sometimes it makes me feel like that I am a failure, and there is something wrong with me. Not being able to stick up to what everyone can.

If it was't for my friends that supported me this whole time, I don't think I could have stayed alive. And I mean it. I had great friends that was there for me at the right time, making me stop from giving up on my life. And I owe everything to them, and a lifetime to make up for them if they are ever in need of help.

New life, new journey one again. Hopefully starting with a clean slate.

Thank You Daddy Long Legs....

Some people in my life knows how to jump my heart.

Puts that butterfly in my stomach.

It is not the big presents I look for.

It is not the expensive cars I look for.

It is not the fanciest house I look for.

I look for something simple in my life, as litttle as someone you love saying good morning and good night.

My new life in the big smoke is not as scary now, knowing that you are there to stand by my side, no matter what happens.

I thank you for everything, I thank you for every minute of my life.

Thank you DaddyLongLegs.

Home is Where My Heart is....

I've always loved my home in this Aoteaora land.

Tauranga

My parents left this land a long time a go, and so did many of our friends. Some by choice, some not by choice. But Tauranga is wher my soul lies on any given day.

I drove up last thurs with the MadScientist from the windy Wellington, once again with a bit of drama! (oh why wouldn't there be with my boys anyway....)

The MadScientist drove up from the south, landing in Wellington on Wed night. We planned to drive up together over a week a go. But we just didn't have any set plans. So I asked him when he arrived,

"So, what the plan for tomorrow?"

"Oh, about that.... Well, I can give u a ride up to Auckland or Hamilton, and you'll need to bus from there coz there is going to be no room in my mum's car"

?????

I was confused.

So it turned out that he rented a car from the south island, and the drop off point is in Auckland, and his mother was driving up to pick him up, but the car is too small to fit his luggage and myself in it.... So on this rather last min emergency, I called my BigMama, explaining the situation....

Bingo! He took half a day off to come and pick me up from Cambridge so I don't have to wait for the stupid bus that always takes way too long to travel. Oh do I love him!

The weekend went past splendidly, just like the good old days. Fooling around in "the bus", wasting time with all the junk MadScientist have stashed away, and going to the beach on a ridiculous windy day but still kite boarding (it was strong enough to lift us off the ground!). The toys we have may have gotten slightly more expensive, but nothing else has really changed.

We also helped the MadScientist's mother pack their house. Her and her husband have a new job down in the south decided to rent the place out. When I stepped into the house, I got attacked by random emotions, having flash backs on all the times we spent in this house. And how happy me and MadScientist were together back in the days. Then I realised, this was the first time stepping into this house in 6 years. And I hardly came here after we broke up.

I guess he is my ex after all even after all these years.

It's crazy to think that we finished high school 8 years a go. For me, it still feels like yesterday. And also yesterday that I left this land for Singapore. 

I felt my body catching up with age when I was in Tauranga though. Every time I'm back at that place, we do same thing just because we don't want to admit that things have changed. But this time around, I can feel that my body is not tolerating as well as it used to. Be it for over eating (I never got sick off home made nachos before!) or exercise. But I'll just put that aside and ignore for a while....

I can't thank the MadScientist enough for being a good friend still, and how much I appreciate his company. It makes me sad to think he's no longer going to be on the same land, but I know we will meet again, sooner or later.

See you again my friend, love you loads.

Live a Little, Dance a Little...

It's kind of funny how 2 weeks I worked for a marketing (if they can even call themselves so) company,  the pitch to convince people to join charity was

"we need ongoing support form the community, we can't survive on the one off payments, because with them, we cannot budget".

And it made me laugh each time I say it and then think how ironic that statement was.

Because that job was exactly that. You get paid purely on how much "sale" you get, completely comission. There were days when you can be out for a whole day and earn nothing, and days you can earn a lot.

Well, I never earned that much really.... It's def came to a conclusion that it's not my thing!

But for those that do live on this job, I don't know how they can physically live for so long not knowing what income you are going to have each week. I'd be too scared to plan any trips in case I don't have any income!

It's been almost a month since I've landed in Wellington. Still no fixed job, and def hoping I'll land on it too.

I've loved every minute of my time in Wellington, good company, good friends, maybe not so much of the wind, but I can't really think of a reason why I want to leave this place!! I'm not dancing like crazy like I used to, but then people I met through dancing is always amazing and defeats my expectation about their social levels. Live a little, dance a little is def not something on their dictionary!

An extremely tempting job description popped up with Nestle last week, and I'm now on the waiting list to hear back from the nestle headquarters in Australia. There is a part of me who wants to get this job, and part of me who doesn't want to have it so I can stay in Wellington for a bit longer.

I can't bare to think of a life without the lovely company I have down here!

There are so many things I want to do once I have a job.... but right now, it's all about the waiting game!

X fingers my destination will be set soon....