1 year

1 year a  go today, I lost a dear lady.

It went from a fun holiday in Melbourne, to a hardest trip back to nz.

It's still hard to believe that something like that can happen just like that. Because of some idiot, who probably still don't think it was a big deal.

I still wish you were here. I still wish I got to know you better.

But most importantly, I hope you are in peace.

Sending my love up the ladder to where you are.

Xx

A bet

I made a bet today.

I made 1 call.

I don't know what will happen yet but I will find out sooner or later.

If he wants to talk to me still, he will call.

If he got a new girl, he will probably call in a few days. But if he does, and doesn't leave any message. That will be the end of the road for me.

I'm not trying to play games. There is a huge part of me that want to say thanks, put a closure and move on.

And I finally feel that seeing he might be the way to do so.

But it is a gamble.

There is a high possibility that he doesn't want to talk to me again.

But for now. I'm just counting down the clock til the morning.

Modern Dhilemma

Growing up, cell phones were not as common. We had emails, which only replaced snail mails, but you weren't expected to reply within a short frame of time like the cell phone messages do. 

If you needed to call someone, you called their home line. You don't get an answer if they are not home. And that's the way things were.

But now there is email, social media, cell phone txt, and multiple internet communication devices. When you break up with someone, it's so hard to completely cut communication now. And to think that deleting a number is hard enough, you have to do the process more than few times. 

The last moment of our good bye still flashes in my mind so often. 

I told him I'm not staying.

Yet he decided to stay in his denial,

That there is a problem, that cannot be solved.

He told me to come over tonight, and spend the last night together. 

I cried and told him that's not going to happen anymore.

This is the end, and let me go, we shouldn't carry on like this. 

But still, he left the house for a run with the words of

"We can talk about it tonight, and cuddle til the morning. I want to wake up next to you".

I still can remember the look in his eyes.

The sweet soft kisses that made me feel like a girl. 

But this was it. 

I walked off. 

From his life. 

806

Oh how many times did I press that number.

Even after you gave me your keys , I always loved pressing the number. The anticipation went up as the elevator rose up 1 level at a time.

Looking down the corridor, passing each of the white doors at a time, I see you waiting. At the doorway, with the sweetest smile on your face. And you always gave me a hug and a kiss, before asking me how my day was.

But last night, it felt more like a death row. I've battled my fear of wanting to see you, against how much of a bad idea it is. I wanted to turn around and walk away to the exit, because I didn't want to know what was waiting for me.

Your arms are not the same. You are not the same anymore.

You said you miss me.

But I know you don't love me anymore. You don't even need to tell me, I can tell.

You just confirmed me that everything I thought, I expected, were right.

Oh how much I wish I could be happy again.

To be happy with you again.

The words of your friends hurt me. I didn't realise you still haven't told them. I wanted to shout out

"we are not we anymore, it's him and I"

I love you. But I know, it is time to let go.

Just living it

A day passes so quickly these days.

I wake up, go to work, come back home, exercise and sleep.

1 day at a time, it just ticks away.

And just like that, it has been a month ready.

A year with him went so quickly. Week by week, I could not wait for the days to end, so we can spend the weekend together. 

And now, it's just a counter to tell me how much I miss him. And to tell me that the chance of him coming back is becoming less and less.

In my head, I know he's not coming back. But I cannot help the feeling in my heart, that wants to go and hug him,  kiss him, and tell him how much I love him.

The solution to this problem is so simple. And he could easily take me back, any day he wanted to.

"But it's not what I want"

I know that's what he will tell me instead.

In few days he's coming home. But not into my arms.

I should have seen the signs, when even a holiday plans never had me in it. He never disagreed to me tagging along. But he never asked me to come along. 

I knew this would be how it ends.

I know the feeling of "He's the only man" will eventually go away.

I just wish that was now.

Pain

As we get older,  sometimes we get used to things we never wanted to get used to. 

like pain.

A pain of losing someone you love.

After 1 year and 14 days, he told me he loves me, but words weren't enough to show how he felt. And finally, we became official.

And that's how it ended.

I wanted this happiness to last longer. but for him, it was only good because he knows it's only temporary.

So I made a choice, to let go of that boy that I love so much, and love me back, just so I don't have to be in more pain, a year later when he leaves the country.

We left the house in the morning like nothing has ever happened. I took a few things with me that I wanted back, rest just sits there like any other day.

He kissed me goodbye like how he always does on the way to work. But only I knew that it will be the last kiss.

He said he's happy the way it is until the day comes. But I'm not.

I just love him that much.

I wish now that he never told me he loves me me. When he knows it's not forever.

little happiness of life

There are many ways to appreciate life and feel blessed to be in this life.

And today, I feel the warmth in my heart for having someone in my life to share my happiness.

I sit here wrapping one gift at a time, for my special boy that makes me smile.

It's not about what he does or does not do for me.

Little words he say, time he share with me, how he lies next to me, his being itself makes me smile.

I imagine his smile of when he open these gift, and I feel so happy.

Tonight, I'm the happiest girl on this life for having someone to make happy.