Dick vs. a real Dick

What makes a person

A real dick

I wonder that to myself.

My very good friend was upset the other day, to think that someone she is close with has the potential to be such a dick. 

But at the same time, I wonder sometimes, whether the situation we ended up in the past, was it really the other person’s fault? Or did I turn that person into a dick?

What I often hear is someone saying 

“But I said that right from the start!”

Or 

“But I was always honest!!”

Even if someone was saying the truth, more than once, any of the following can mislead

• Inconsistent body language 
• Physical touch 
• A potential that someone can change. 

Unless someone wants to be a real dick and every day tell someone who they always talk to - thanks for the call, I reallyed enjoyed that. maybe we could go on a date sometime? But just a reminder I like you, but I don’t love you, and don’t think I ever will”.

In which case, is he a dick because he said the truth? Or is he a good person for being clear? 

And it’s cliche girl’s saying but “he changed!!” Unfortunately it’s not often it actually happens, but it’s a benefit of the doubt.

At the end of the day, i feel like someone is a dick if they are consciously wanting to hurt someone, or take an advantage of another person. But if not, it’s an open book interpretation. 

Tidying up

The book by Marie Kondo “The life changing magic of tidying up” has been a sensation world wide. Especially when Netflix had the mini series with Marie.

I always loved her concept, as the way she respect life is very similar to my family’s roots and Shinto - which is one of the oldest religion in Japan. 

I’m not going to make this entry about religion,  but long story short, it is based on a concept that everything in this world lies a god. It could be a good god like sun, wind, fire. Or it could be from the dark side - like darkness, hunger, illness. Or mystical creature - I remember once my father told me, if you have a family that’s sick with high fever, you serve tofu to the “kami dana” (a house of god which is in the household of Shinto family) and a little girl will come and help you heal. She became a god when she died young wth a fever but now helps reduce the heat, but you gift tofu because that was her favourite food. So it feels more like myth in some parts. 

Going back to Marie, I love how she respects things, and also pays repeat to the house she is about to tidy. I’m not going to say “saying thank you” to clothes have helped me let go of my clothes though. 

What has changed me recently, is since myself and Sargent has brough a house, we have been slowly clearing away our belongings. Accumulation of our life and tidying up so we only take in what we love and want to keep into the new house we will be spending time together. 

In the past, I never gave a second thought about talking about my ex’s and and stuff we did and etc. But either the Sargent, it’s a little different. 

“Do I want to hide my past?”

Nope. 

“Do I regret my past?” 

Nope. Not that either. 

But I definitely feel that it is not necessarily to talk to him about my ex’s or how shit the past ex’s were. Because I feel like it doesn’t matter anymore. Because the Sargent is who I want to be with. 

It has been the thoughest time letting go of the doctor. And I felt like having a part of me torn away, every time I lost traces of him over the years. 

The days I feel free

When I used to dance, I loved te feeling of freedom to express, and not care about the world. 

And somewhere along the line, I lost it all. I just wasn’t enjoying it, and it was a not wf a chore, coz I didn’t know what else to do. 

It’s been almost 2 years since I started circus, and finally feel like I’m getting somewhere. 

I have enough strength to strike a pose, to flow from one move to another. Often it’s so hard to tell the progress because I’m surrounded by many amazing aerialists in my usual classes that are easily couple of levels above me. 

But back in the class where I’m supposed to be, I’m no longer the weakling of the pack. And actually able to flow freely. And almost on a high when I get home for all the excitement. 

The best part - body isn’t screaming in pain! 

It’s just a shame it’s approaching end of the year, because that means I will fine alternative to not drop my fitness level again. 

But this time I will commit to my love!

Pain never passes

I wonder sometimes, if there ever will be a day that I will look back at my past, and don’t feel hurt by my past. 

I only can ever remember being in love once, despite the number of ex’s I have. 

And that love has hurt me in so many ways, and it still does to the day.

A year by year, the pain is getting easier, but it doesn’t take much to open that wound again. 

And it’s not the physical memory of something someone had done that hurts me, it’s remembering how I felt at that particular moment that hurts me. 

It’s like a hole I can never quite fill.

It still makes me almost want to cry. 

And want to grasp onto someone to help me stay afloat. Although I know this is just my issue. And everyone is probably sick of it, or don’t even care about it. 

But the problem is, he and I used to talk about things like this, in a calm manner. And now I feel like I have nobody to talk to, except on a blog. Which sometimes isn’t the best solution, as putting things to words can make me feel even deeper into the hollowness.

Will there be a day when I won’t feel this anymore?