waiting for the sparkle

The sparkle joy you may ask?

Well it is, but it’s not. It definitely sparkles in my heart, and fills me with joy. That’s for sure.

But I can’t help but to admire the picture of the soon to be my sparkle.

The day which I will finally get to say yes.

The question is - when....?

Thanks covid, for making everything so unsure. 

Dick vs. a real Dick

What makes a person

A real dick

I wonder that to myself.

My very good friend was upset the other day, to think that someone she is close with has the potential to be such a dick. 

But at the same time, I wonder sometimes, whether the situation we ended up in the past, was it really the other person’s fault? Or did I turn that person into a dick?

What I often hear is someone saying 

“But I said that right from the start!”

Or 

“But I was always honest!!”

Even if someone was saying the truth, more than once, any of the following can mislead

• Inconsistent body language 
• Physical touch 
• A potential that someone can change. 

Unless someone wants to be a real dick and every day tell someone who they always talk to - thanks for the call, I reallyed enjoyed that. maybe we could go on a date sometime? But just a reminder I like you, but I don’t love you, and don’t think I ever will”.

In which case, is he a dick because he said the truth? Or is he a good person for being clear? 

And it’s cliche girl’s saying but “he changed!!” Unfortunately it’s not often it actually happens, but it’s a benefit of the doubt.

At the end of the day, i feel like someone is a dick if they are consciously wanting to hurt someone, or take an advantage of another person. But if not, it’s an open book interpretation. 

Tidying up

The book by Marie Kondo “The life changing magic of tidying up” has been a sensation world wide. Especially when Netflix had the mini series with Marie.

I always loved her concept, as the way she respect life is very similar to my family’s roots and Shinto - which is one of the oldest religion in Japan. 

I’m not going to make this entry about religion,  but long story short, it is based on a concept that everything in this world lies a god. It could be a good god like sun, wind, fire. Or it could be from the dark side - like darkness, hunger, illness. Or mystical creature - I remember once my father told me, if you have a family that’s sick with high fever, you serve tofu to the “kami dana” (a house of god which is in the household of Shinto family) and a little girl will come and help you heal. She became a god when she died young wth a fever but now helps reduce the heat, but you gift tofu because that was her favourite food. So it feels more like myth in some parts. 

Going back to Marie, I love how she respects things, and also pays repeat to the house she is about to tidy. I’m not going to say “saying thank you” to clothes have helped me let go of my clothes though. 

What has changed me recently, is since myself and Sargent has brough a house, we have been slowly clearing away our belongings. Accumulation of our life and tidying up so we only take in what we love and want to keep into the new house we will be spending time together. 

In the past, I never gave a second thought about talking about my ex’s and and stuff we did and etc. But either the Sargent, it’s a little different. 

“Do I want to hide my past?”

Nope. 

“Do I regret my past?” 

Nope. Not that either. 

But I definitely feel that it is not necessarily to talk to him about my ex’s or how shit the past ex’s were. Because I feel like it doesn’t matter anymore. Because the Sargent is who I want to be with. 

It has been the thoughest time letting go of the doctor. And I felt like having a part of me torn away, every time I lost traces of him over the years. 

The days I feel free

When I used to dance, I loved te feeling of freedom to express, and not care about the world. 

And somewhere along the line, I lost it all. I just wasn’t enjoying it, and it was a not wf a chore, coz I didn’t know what else to do. 

It’s been almost 2 years since I started circus, and finally feel like I’m getting somewhere. 

I have enough strength to strike a pose, to flow from one move to another. Often it’s so hard to tell the progress because I’m surrounded by many amazing aerialists in my usual classes that are easily couple of levels above me. 

But back in the class where I’m supposed to be, I’m no longer the weakling of the pack. And actually able to flow freely. And almost on a high when I get home for all the excitement. 

The best part - body isn’t screaming in pain! 

It’s just a shame it’s approaching end of the year, because that means I will fine alternative to not drop my fitness level again. 

But this time I will commit to my love!

Pain never passes

I wonder sometimes, if there ever will be a day that I will look back at my past, and don’t feel hurt by my past. 

I only can ever remember being in love once, despite the number of ex’s I have. 

And that love has hurt me in so many ways, and it still does to the day.

A year by year, the pain is getting easier, but it doesn’t take much to open that wound again. 

And it’s not the physical memory of something someone had done that hurts me, it’s remembering how I felt at that particular moment that hurts me. 

It’s like a hole I can never quite fill.

It still makes me almost want to cry. 

And want to grasp onto someone to help me stay afloat. Although I know this is just my issue. And everyone is probably sick of it, or don’t even care about it. 

But the problem is, he and I used to talk about things like this, in a calm manner. And now I feel like I have nobody to talk to, except on a blog. Which sometimes isn’t the best solution, as putting things to words can make me feel even deeper into the hollowness.

Will there be a day when I won’t feel this anymore?

Butterfly in my stomach

It's been about 1 year and 3 weeks since I've been "official" with the Sargent. And I can't control the butterfly in my stomach.

At times, I feel like I want to punch for his childish immature behaviour, but rest of the time. I'm just so happy.

I won't deny that there has been days I had my doubts. But at the moment, it's making it harder by day and night to not tell him I want to have a family with him.

The status of "marriage" means nothing to him, and being in a box scares me from time to time. But if he was to get down on his knees tomorrow, I would sign the paper on the day.

I'm not fussed on the big beautiful wedding, although I do fancy wearing a wedding dress. But I'm more excited to bear his child, and nurture them in my home.

I can see now why men are afraid of "commitment". I suppose girls are less result focused, and tend to tackle on the problem as it comes. Although the Sargent makes me feel the opposite in our role, where I'm the one who's afraid of being in a "box" of unknown. But having a relationship with someone who sees an indefinite future is nothing like being in a relationship based purely on personal preference. Whether it be sexual or hobby.

Family is a unit, it is not about who we are or what similarity we have as a person. It is a commitment to overcome any issues we may face.

The doctor and I had so many similarities in preference, and I can't ask for anyone better to have "fun", and I can't quite describe it any other way, but he makes me happy by always keeping me busy. Whereas the Sargent makes me happy by grounding me.

My butterfly may have taken it's time to come out of it's cocoon, but I can confidently say, that I cannot be happier about my life.

I’m doing what’s right for me

Day by day, I wish stronger for your presence. 

The little voice inside me keeps on telling me 

"Just say it, you will feel better"

Every time I speak with you, I want to say that word.

"I love you"

But I'm not allowed. 

Yet, I'm also afraid of letting the Sargent go. 

I know in back of my mind, I wish to be with the Doctor. Knowing that there is no future. 

I feel like I'm walking on the beam between reality and desire. 

I don't want to let go of Sargent because I want to see whether I can have that deep connection with him. And to be as happy as I was when I was with the Doctor.

Everyone keeps asking me 

"Does he makes you happy? Do you feel happy when you are with him?"

And I never know what to answer. I should be happy. Sargent gives me everything that I need. And there is no reason as to why I shouldn't be happy.

But then, I can't help but to keep looking back on those days with the doctor. And how everything he did felt right. 

But I feel lost. Was I happy because he let me be as selfish as I ever wanted to be? Because he never expected anything from me? Did he look at me the way I look at Sargent now? Or did you ever feel the connection with me? 

The Doctor told me once, that when I left his life,  he felt like there was a big hole in his heart that he couldn't fill. And that's how I feel right now. No matter how much time I spend with Sargent, sometime it even makes it worse, I feel more and more lonely, for the fact that I don't have that connection. 

Yet, I feel like I want to carry on. I want to share more time with Sargent. But then the selfish self in back of my mind keeps on wondering how great it would be to travel and see the world with the Doctor. 

Everything I do with Sargent, I'm keep replacing in my mind with the Doctor. Wondering what it would be like if it was him. And I know it's not fair. And I should let it go. But it's been so long since I've been in love with anyone but the Doctor, that I don't know what is right or wrong anymore.